6,5. That is the rating of my suicidal thoughts. This post was initially a post in the rate your suicidal thoughts thread.
I have strong psychotic symptoms but I am never suicidal because of psychotic symptoms. It is rather the aftermath and the consequences of a crash. I plan to kill myself in case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. It will be pretty difficult to manage it - though I think the pain will be unbearable so I don't really have choice. I think I might can prevent a psychosis but here is the plan if I fuck it up. I soon have a meeting with professionals. A psychologist (who knows I was very suicidal) and a psychiatrist (who basically forgot my obsession with suicide). In case the extreme pain returns I want to act quickly. As soon as this pain-period begins I want to do it as quickly as possible. I know how to get SN and I hope I can get it. I don't have it at home but I think there is a real opportunity to get it. I think I won't test it if my family found the test at home they would wonder. I think the source is trustworthy. (I won't share it for some reasons for example legal ones etc.)
I always was scared about the legal consequences but this pain makes it necessary. I am extremely suicidal when I have this extreme pain. I know in the first weeks I think I might can manage to get through with it. Though it gets progressively worse. I plan to order it as soon as the major depression starts. I am kind of anxious it is Russian roulette with the recent events though jumping in front of a train is way more risky. I try to hide my pain in front of my family. My two closest friends promised me not to intervene in case I decide to ctb. But I think it might be better to hide the details in case I will reach these days. I don't want that they get into trouble for not interfering.
I won't make my suicidality transparent in front of the therapists. Though at least the psychologist probably assumes it is pretty damn serious.
The health of my mom is very fragile. She recently had a stroke. And the following is my nightmare scenario. It is only a matter of time this happens. I will have a relapse - the extreme pain returns - and we will have arguments due to the fact she abused me as a child. I think her health is way too fragile for arguments. But when I am in extreme pain I barely can hide my anger. She shouted at me (first) today and I shouted back. It was minor thing and she seems to struggle a lot because of it. I think she won't stay healthy in case I relapse. So the scenario is nightmarish. And it is only a matter of time it happens. I don't see any way out of it.
So my plan is: Hide my suicidality and pain which is extremely difficult but maybe it is possible within the first weeks. My therapists would probably want me to go into a clinic. But I think as I said I think my psychiatrist forgot all my plans about suicide which I explained her 2 years ago. I would hope the order would be delivered fast. I live in the same house as my mom and her boyfriend. But they sometimes travel at weekends 1-2 days. I would plan to do it these days. They only tell me that spontaneously so it will be hard to prepare for. I really want to increase the likelihood to die as much as possible. So that I won't survive the attempt. I think it is not unlikely she gets a stroke as soon as she learns about the suicide (attempt). She abused me over a decade and if I could prevent her stroke I would do it. Though I won't endure that pain for her. It will need a lot of determination to kill myself. I gazed into the abyss some years ago and it was pretty frightening. But I know which insane pain awaits me for like 2 years in case I don't do it. I mean I don't really have a choice. I cannot stomach that pain once again - my hopelessness is too strong and my future prospects are horrible.
My prefered method is SN. The second method would be the Amitriptyline. I had enough here to kill myself. I read information on that method. It takes a very long time. Moreover the Ami which I have tastes like poison. I think they added emetics to prevent ODs. I know how to circumvent that. But it would still feel pretty fucked up. I could throw up when I take one. How would it feel when I had to take 150 of them? I think I would still do it in case no other method was available. But I am scared I would call an ambulance when I slowly fade away. So another method I thought a lot about is train. I think about that every time I see a train. So quite frequently. I think I could not do that. I think I would try to jump away from this insane fast train which would result in permanent damage for the rest of my life. I think I would rather try to obtain SN by any means.
I hope I can stilll postpone the breakdown. But I was quite paranoid today and it is pretty scary. My life is pretty fucked up and I cannot run away from my fate forever.
I have strong psychotic symptoms but I am never suicidal because of psychotic symptoms. It is rather the aftermath and the consequences of a crash. I plan to kill myself in case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. It will be pretty difficult to manage it - though I think the pain will be unbearable so I don't really have choice. I think I might can prevent a psychosis but here is the plan if I fuck it up. I soon have a meeting with professionals. A psychologist (who knows I was very suicidal) and a psychiatrist (who basically forgot my obsession with suicide). In case the extreme pain returns I want to act quickly. As soon as this pain-period begins I want to do it as quickly as possible. I know how to get SN and I hope I can get it. I don't have it at home but I think there is a real opportunity to get it. I think I won't test it if my family found the test at home they would wonder. I think the source is trustworthy. (I won't share it for some reasons for example legal ones etc.)
I always was scared about the legal consequences but this pain makes it necessary. I am extremely suicidal when I have this extreme pain. I know in the first weeks I think I might can manage to get through with it. Though it gets progressively worse. I plan to order it as soon as the major depression starts. I am kind of anxious it is Russian roulette with the recent events though jumping in front of a train is way more risky. I try to hide my pain in front of my family. My two closest friends promised me not to intervene in case I decide to ctb. But I think it might be better to hide the details in case I will reach these days. I don't want that they get into trouble for not interfering.
I won't make my suicidality transparent in front of the therapists. Though at least the psychologist probably assumes it is pretty damn serious.
The health of my mom is very fragile. She recently had a stroke. And the following is my nightmare scenario. It is only a matter of time this happens. I will have a relapse - the extreme pain returns - and we will have arguments due to the fact she abused me as a child. I think her health is way too fragile for arguments. But when I am in extreme pain I barely can hide my anger. She shouted at me (first) today and I shouted back. It was minor thing and she seems to struggle a lot because of it. I think she won't stay healthy in case I relapse. So the scenario is nightmarish. And it is only a matter of time it happens. I don't see any way out of it.
So my plan is: Hide my suicidality and pain which is extremely difficult but maybe it is possible within the first weeks. My therapists would probably want me to go into a clinic. But I think as I said I think my psychiatrist forgot all my plans about suicide which I explained her 2 years ago. I would hope the order would be delivered fast. I live in the same house as my mom and her boyfriend. But they sometimes travel at weekends 1-2 days. I would plan to do it these days. They only tell me that spontaneously so it will be hard to prepare for. I really want to increase the likelihood to die as much as possible. So that I won't survive the attempt. I think it is not unlikely she gets a stroke as soon as she learns about the suicide (attempt). She abused me over a decade and if I could prevent her stroke I would do it. Though I won't endure that pain for her. It will need a lot of determination to kill myself. I gazed into the abyss some years ago and it was pretty frightening. But I know which insane pain awaits me for like 2 years in case I don't do it. I mean I don't really have a choice. I cannot stomach that pain once again - my hopelessness is too strong and my future prospects are horrible.
My prefered method is SN. The second method would be the Amitriptyline. I had enough here to kill myself. I read information on that method. It takes a very long time. Moreover the Ami which I have tastes like poison. I think they added emetics to prevent ODs. I know how to circumvent that. But it would still feel pretty fucked up. I could throw up when I take one. How would it feel when I had to take 150 of them? I think I would still do it in case no other method was available. But I am scared I would call an ambulance when I slowly fade away. So another method I thought a lot about is train. I think about that every time I see a train. So quite frequently. I think I could not do that. I think I would try to jump away from this insane fast train which would result in permanent damage for the rest of my life. I think I would rather try to obtain SN by any means.
I hope I can stilll postpone the breakdown. But I was quite paranoid today and it is pretty scary. My life is pretty fucked up and I cannot run away from my fate forever.
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