Venting My plan is close to be complete - CTB

[anonymousfoxxo]

I have made several posts on here. I had my ups and downs too. I had tried therapy and meds and drugs. Everything failed me. I failed life in return.

I have finally gotten to a breaking point where panic attacks and breakdowns are constant and every single night. There's not a day without thinking about suicide. I love my family and I have held on for so long for them. 9 years.. or more now... Fighting.. fighting and suffering every single day. From PTSD to overworking to everything else possible.

I have no longer energy. I feel like It is time I prioritized my well being for once truly. My plan is now nearly complete.

I will buy a bunch of strong alcohol, a strong and thick rope, at the end of the month when I have money for them. I will keep it somewhere where nobody can see. I will also soon have my bike back. I will use it as an excuse to go far and while away I will look for a place that could work, far from home, in some forest or some bridge. That's the missing part of the plan, the actual place.

Once I finally have it, I will note it down, and the next time everyone's away and I'm not at work, I will bring the rope, bring the alcohol, tie the rope, drink up until I can barely open my eyes, enter the rope, and drink some more, hoping I pass out, and fall, fall with the rope around my neck.

Hopefully, it should be lethal, and the least pain I can produce. It should be also quick in case it's painful. I tried it out briefly without alcohol, and it's not exactly a great experience. I also threw up, damn SI. . .

Hopefully alcohol will help.
And hopefully I can execute my plan before next year, even if I chicken out now.

I hope I am not here too long. I will make more posts till then, probably many more, so I won't say goodbye yet. But I wanted to let it out and sort of also just use this post as a note to myself on what I planned out.

I am so tired...

 

[Dliena]

I'm feel really sorry for all the traumas and other BS you gone thru out life OP and panic attacks can indeed be the worst thing to experience but I do hope and have faith that eternal peace can be granted for you whenever your time does arrive as well as no more pains/agony never ever again.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, I understand why you'd feel so tired of it all, existence certainly is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.