Cauliflour
The one who doodles.
- Mar 24, 2025
- 142
The more I continue to exist like this, the more I realise just how bullshit everything is. I didn't used to see other people as stupid beings but something changed within me and at the rate I'm going, I wouldn't be surprised if I became a sociopath within the next 5 years because I can already feel my perception of the average person shifting slightly so I imagine it wouldn't take much for me to lose all faith in humanity and my empathy towards anyone I don't already know well. I don't know the condition of Antisocial Personality Disorder too well though so maybe I'm just edgy but hopefully you all can see where I'm coming from by the end of this post (most likely not though as I'm terrible at wording my thoughts, especially about myself).
Intelligence is hard to measure and I'm not gonna act like I'm so much smarter than everyone else because I'm probably not, but I see so many stupid people making stupid decisions, the government, internet, conversations I've had irl, and it makes me wonder. I've been told I'm smart throughout my life but I think they're mostly trying to be nice as I've done some really fucking stupid things that won't leave my consciousness. Not to mention IQ tests would be a bit pointless because I can just tell it won't be high and really it's hard to be bias-less as it would be intelligence based on the view of whoever is running the test. There's like 7 intelligence measurements actually. Anyway there's something I've noticed somewhat recently with how I act and how others act and I don't know if it's just autism or what but it's making me feel like the average person doesn't have much common sense. I don't want to come off as r/iamverysmart though and I'm quite tone deaf so I'm probably already coming off like a redditor with a superiority complex. I can't really explain it as it's more just a vibe I have, which basically means I'm talking out of my ass, but it's something about the way the world nowadays is structured and how I don't fit into it's patterns as well as other people I've seen. I think college is the best example of this. I'm that person who constantly puts my hand up. Sometimes to answer a question, a lot of times to ask a question about something I can guarantee nobody else in that classroom would care about. Either way I must look like a nerd to the other people. I'm not even that good at school. The best grades I got on my GCSEs were 2 6s (on a scale from U-9 so in the middle) and I was in a private school at that time where you needed at least 5 7s to go to that school's 6th form. Then again the exam boards are sadists and it's mostly aboout just trying to tick boxes on an exam marking sheet but the beurocracy can only go so far with that I think. I feel like saying that the majority of people nowadays are idiots is probably incorrect and that I'm just egotistical but I get that sort of vibe. Some sort of dissconect on how I would answer a question in comparion to the average person. Then there's Parliment who seems to be made up of Earth's brightest plankton which really isn't helping. From what I've gathered from great online sources (ie some Reddit and Quora posts) is that intelligence is being able to view everything with the lens of "alright I don't know that and I'm not gonna pretend that I do know it so I'm gonna research it", skepticalism and being able to think outside the box, which I guess can fit but that would be patting myself on the back there.
I guess it's because most people spend a lot of time on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok etc and I don't really. I use YouTube a lot, and I sometimes go on Bluesky and Tumblr and Newgrounds but that's it really if you don't count Discord and Whatsapp. The average person doesn't spend their free time watching video essays on consoles made in the 80s, they just scroll on whatever and watch the latest Netflix show. There's nothing really to relate to so trying to be in group conversations with most people doesn't end up being interesting. They talk about designer clothes and pop musicians and the annoying thing is that this sounds like a classic r/notliketheothergirls but I'm not like the supposed "other girl" either so I don't even know where I am on this fucking scale. I'm not even a normal nerd because I have like 4 hobbies that I like to focus on (allbeit in different intensities) and they're all creative and in each of them, I have this style that I can't really pinpoint what it is or what got my inspiration but I can't do anything more "normal" so I just go with it. I made a song recently that consisted of 2 synths, drums, an organ, a bass guitar and an accordian. It was structured in the building block methord somewhat but wasn't EDM and was too fast to be ambient despite all the reverb. That's just 1 example. Whenever I see people like me online they tend to only be focused on 1, maybe 2 things. Social media is so ingrained into society nowadays that I know I'm living under a rock because I don't understand what the met gala hat meme is supposed to be but I don't care yet I feel like to fit into society I have to care about every little pointless thing on the main social medias.
I'm also autistic which I don't even know how deep this is but statistically I'm in the minority because of this and I'm perfectly fine just going about my day by myself. I have no friends nowadays really and I don't even bother anymore. I'm paranoid and I know damn well these people think I'm weird and I have no idea how socialising actually works or how to enter/start conversations, how to leave them, how to do basically anything appropriatly so I'm kinda shy but not really idk. I know I should make friends but I just don't feel a connection beyond "aquatinence" with these people. It very much feels like me vs them. I've never bothered masking as I know damn well my mental health would be even more fucked if I tried to figure out how these people act, and still fail because I'm not good at anything. I guess it's like a superpower being able to see through peoples' bullshit. All these people speak via telepathy and expect me to do the same. Hell it makes me feel disconnected from my own damn body. Is that feeling in my stomach a signal that I'm hungry or that I'm full? God knows. I'm mostly numb to my own emotions because I have no idea how to label them, and haven't for years. I can't even label my own personality well and I should be the best at doing so considering it's MY personality ie my damn brain. There was a task when I was in year 3 and we had to fill in a sheet that went like "I feel happy when... I feel sad when... I feel scared when..." and I genuinely had no idea how to fill this out to the point the teacher had to come over because everyone else already filled their sheets out and I was still sitting there looking at a blank page. I remember the happy one was rephrased to "other people feel happy when..." and I picked the generic answer "it's their birthday".
Because I'm lesbian it means I see gender in a different lens to the straight people and I feel like that's done something to my perspective because straight people see their gender as well, their gender where their friends are, and the other gender as the one they date and stuff. Meanwhile I'm juggling between 2 perceptions on women, leaving the guys to have a different perception that's left solely to my life experiences to decide because society doesn't have a backup really. It may seem a bit pointless to mention if you're straight but it affects more than you think because of that perception difference. At least to me, when you don't have that view of the other gender as the datable one, it makes you realise how similar guys and girls actually are. I guess the non-binary aroaces are the only ones who have the true perception of what gender actually is as they have no innate biases I assume. But if you're talking with a group of girls who are straight then they're gonna be talking about celebrity crushes and boyfriends and hell even things like the concept of mamograms are gonna have a different perception even though that's just medical. Then there's how you dress, how you act, how you speak etc. Idk if lesbians have a gay accent like the guys sometimes do when they're subconsiously trying to enable gaydars but I probably speak in it. I don't mean stereotypically with all this but there's little details that indicate queerness if you're in "the know". I'm not though my gaydar is shit.
Oh and I guess all the supposed "mental health issues" which I don't really see as issues, more just an extension of me at this point. I keep so much secret that it feels like I'm carrying a massive weight whenever I have any access to talk (so pretty much almost all the time) which I used to see as a bad thing but that weight has sorta just morphed into my secretive personality and I don't think about it much anymore, well, at least as a seperate thing. I know damn well I'm mentally unwell by professional standards, I'm on fucking Sanctioned Suicide, but I have no interest in getting "fixed". In fact, I try very hard to not get caught so I don't have to be "fixed". Nobody will understand my view point because I'm a whole lot of not normal and I can keep going further with this. I spent reception to year 11 in a private school so my view on lower class people is mostly from the internet and they know a lot more stuff than I do about society, I'm alt but not the right kind of alt to fit into alt sub cultures and i'm not the normal kind of suicidal so even on a website like this I still feel seperate.
I call myself a "passive suicidal person" and a masochist (not the sexual kind) and I quite like those terms but I'm not supposed to be content with finding enjoyment out of my own pain. Hell even with those terms I feel like I don't fit in. Suicidal people are supposed to be sad and hating their lives and wanting it all to end (basically any post here, I don't know why I'm explaining it) but I don't feel like most people on here. I just let it linger in my head and have been like this for so long that I've become desensitied to my violent thoughts of killing myself. Besides, I refuse to rest in peace until I've made all the games and stuff that I want to make. I don't think normal suicidal people think like that, I think they just go for it whenever they feel really terrible. That's why I chucked on the "passive" part because technically I've been suicidal since I was like 13 I think. Somewhere around that time, maybe 14. The point is that I've been like this for years. Masochists are supposed to be into BDSM and do it as a sexual thing. I have no interest in BDSM and personally think roleplaying as a rape victim is distasteful at best but by definition I am a masocist because I get "the enjoyment of experiencing pain" when I cut my arms, that's why I do it. Annoyingly, the sexual definition is the most common one on Google so it's a term I can't really explain to anyone else because they just won't be able to view it as I do. Speaking of which, I'm yet to find someone who self harms like I do. It's not the method that's unique, it's the motive. It's flip flopped around the place over the years and I do different things for different purpouses, but I mostly cut my lower arms like a normie because I love the feeling when there's the sting and the blood starts to trickle out in bright red, turning into a shiny little puddle and then the next day the scar is pink and still stings a bit and mmmmmmm not to mention the taste of blood. It's like my drug, cutting. Everything I've seen on self harm has always been about "managing emotions", "self punishment" and "feeling something" (which to be fair, I do use it to do that too, but not nearly as much and I use other methods so it doesn't count) and the only time I've seen someone cut for the fun of it, was in DDLC, and even then Yuri was all glitched and stuff so it's hard to tell what her regular motive was. It also makes it impossible to talk about or find meaningful information as it's all about quitting and coping mechanisms that I could use, but I won't because I don't want to. Hell even on here where I expected at least someone to understand, I haven't found anyone who sees it the way I do. All the self harmers on here do it because of the things I mentioned earlier and I'm not saying that it's a good thing ripping cuts into your vessels and that you shouldn't try to heal yourself if you don't like it and want to stop, but I'm not like that so it doesn't apply to me.
Those 2 paragraphs are why I've never bothered with therapy and avoid it like the plague. You want me to do the dishes? Just threaten me with finding a therapist and I'll get straight to work. Helplines are bullshit. PSAs are bullshit. Anything about mental health is bullshit because they just don't care. The only authenticity I've felt from mental health talks was on this website of all places because the people here understand something that the neatly dressed, happy faced individuals at Acronym Organisation don't because they're just paid to tell us to spread the same shallow messages on social media time and time again. Nobody cared, nobody cares and nobody will care and I've just accepted that. Cynical I know. Probably gonna go insane in some way shape or form in the future but I still won't consider a therapist. All they'll do is make me tell really personal shit and say it's confidential (I know damn well they're gonna make a tweet about it or something) and I don't like talking about myself personally: it makes me uncomfortable and it's also quite hard because I don't really know myself due to it mostly being locked behind a door and autism has the key, go "how does that make you feel?" when I have no damn idea how I feel about most things, make me stop cutting, make me think positvely about myself like those posters you sometimes find on the insides of toilet stalls for helplines when I really don't deserve praise at all and would just become a narcisist, tell me "no they're not talking behind you're back, you're just paranoid" when I know damn well they are (have no evidence but I have the vibes) and then get annoyed when it inevitably doesn't work and then make me live off pills with names that I can't pronounce and have my whole personality fucked up and probably feel worse afterwards. Psych wards sound like hell to me. Can't do anything but waste my life while people watch me do everything, can't cut, cheap ass food, no privacy, no Wi-Fi, have to talk about really personal things all the damn time, basically prison that I will never leave but I'm scared of going because I saw a TikTok complation where someone was sent there for a failed suicide attempt and I have a fairly recent failed suicide attempt lingering so if anyone finds out then they're probably going to pack me off to one of those underfunded hell holes that the only benefit would be the potential to find a girl who's just as fucked in the head as I am who also watches gore videos out of morbid curiousity and will probably also become obsessed if any romanticness arises.
In conclusion to this post that I didn't intend to be over 2500 words: I can't fit in anywhere and I feel disconnected from everyone including myself and will never get friends or a girlfriend or anything other than paranoia. I am destined to remain in mental health problems for the rest of my life because the world was never designed for me so nobody can fix me so why bother. I just hope I don't turn into an asshat that gets someone hurt/in danger. If so then politely murder out my fucking brains and smear it across the pavement for the whole neighbourhood to see.
Intelligence is hard to measure and I'm not gonna act like I'm so much smarter than everyone else because I'm probably not, but I see so many stupid people making stupid decisions, the government, internet, conversations I've had irl, and it makes me wonder. I've been told I'm smart throughout my life but I think they're mostly trying to be nice as I've done some really fucking stupid things that won't leave my consciousness. Not to mention IQ tests would be a bit pointless because I can just tell it won't be high and really it's hard to be bias-less as it would be intelligence based on the view of whoever is running the test. There's like 7 intelligence measurements actually. Anyway there's something I've noticed somewhat recently with how I act and how others act and I don't know if it's just autism or what but it's making me feel like the average person doesn't have much common sense. I don't want to come off as r/iamverysmart though and I'm quite tone deaf so I'm probably already coming off like a redditor with a superiority complex. I can't really explain it as it's more just a vibe I have, which basically means I'm talking out of my ass, but it's something about the way the world nowadays is structured and how I don't fit into it's patterns as well as other people I've seen. I think college is the best example of this. I'm that person who constantly puts my hand up. Sometimes to answer a question, a lot of times to ask a question about something I can guarantee nobody else in that classroom would care about. Either way I must look like a nerd to the other people. I'm not even that good at school. The best grades I got on my GCSEs were 2 6s (on a scale from U-9 so in the middle) and I was in a private school at that time where you needed at least 5 7s to go to that school's 6th form. Then again the exam boards are sadists and it's mostly aboout just trying to tick boxes on an exam marking sheet but the beurocracy can only go so far with that I think. I feel like saying that the majority of people nowadays are idiots is probably incorrect and that I'm just egotistical but I get that sort of vibe. Some sort of dissconect on how I would answer a question in comparion to the average person. Then there's Parliment who seems to be made up of Earth's brightest plankton which really isn't helping. From what I've gathered from great online sources (ie some Reddit and Quora posts) is that intelligence is being able to view everything with the lens of "alright I don't know that and I'm not gonna pretend that I do know it so I'm gonna research it", skepticalism and being able to think outside the box, which I guess can fit but that would be patting myself on the back there.
I guess it's because most people spend a lot of time on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok etc and I don't really. I use YouTube a lot, and I sometimes go on Bluesky and Tumblr and Newgrounds but that's it really if you don't count Discord and Whatsapp. The average person doesn't spend their free time watching video essays on consoles made in the 80s, they just scroll on whatever and watch the latest Netflix show. There's nothing really to relate to so trying to be in group conversations with most people doesn't end up being interesting. They talk about designer clothes and pop musicians and the annoying thing is that this sounds like a classic r/notliketheothergirls but I'm not like the supposed "other girl" either so I don't even know where I am on this fucking scale. I'm not even a normal nerd because I have like 4 hobbies that I like to focus on (allbeit in different intensities) and they're all creative and in each of them, I have this style that I can't really pinpoint what it is or what got my inspiration but I can't do anything more "normal" so I just go with it. I made a song recently that consisted of 2 synths, drums, an organ, a bass guitar and an accordian. It was structured in the building block methord somewhat but wasn't EDM and was too fast to be ambient despite all the reverb. That's just 1 example. Whenever I see people like me online they tend to only be focused on 1, maybe 2 things. Social media is so ingrained into society nowadays that I know I'm living under a rock because I don't understand what the met gala hat meme is supposed to be but I don't care yet I feel like to fit into society I have to care about every little pointless thing on the main social medias.
I'm also autistic which I don't even know how deep this is but statistically I'm in the minority because of this and I'm perfectly fine just going about my day by myself. I have no friends nowadays really and I don't even bother anymore. I'm paranoid and I know damn well these people think I'm weird and I have no idea how socialising actually works or how to enter/start conversations, how to leave them, how to do basically anything appropriatly so I'm kinda shy but not really idk. I know I should make friends but I just don't feel a connection beyond "aquatinence" with these people. It very much feels like me vs them. I've never bothered masking as I know damn well my mental health would be even more fucked if I tried to figure out how these people act, and still fail because I'm not good at anything. I guess it's like a superpower being able to see through peoples' bullshit. All these people speak via telepathy and expect me to do the same. Hell it makes me feel disconnected from my own damn body. Is that feeling in my stomach a signal that I'm hungry or that I'm full? God knows. I'm mostly numb to my own emotions because I have no idea how to label them, and haven't for years. I can't even label my own personality well and I should be the best at doing so considering it's MY personality ie my damn brain. There was a task when I was in year 3 and we had to fill in a sheet that went like "I feel happy when... I feel sad when... I feel scared when..." and I genuinely had no idea how to fill this out to the point the teacher had to come over because everyone else already filled their sheets out and I was still sitting there looking at a blank page. I remember the happy one was rephrased to "other people feel happy when..." and I picked the generic answer "it's their birthday".
Because I'm lesbian it means I see gender in a different lens to the straight people and I feel like that's done something to my perspective because straight people see their gender as well, their gender where their friends are, and the other gender as the one they date and stuff. Meanwhile I'm juggling between 2 perceptions on women, leaving the guys to have a different perception that's left solely to my life experiences to decide because society doesn't have a backup really. It may seem a bit pointless to mention if you're straight but it affects more than you think because of that perception difference. At least to me, when you don't have that view of the other gender as the datable one, it makes you realise how similar guys and girls actually are. I guess the non-binary aroaces are the only ones who have the true perception of what gender actually is as they have no innate biases I assume. But if you're talking with a group of girls who are straight then they're gonna be talking about celebrity crushes and boyfriends and hell even things like the concept of mamograms are gonna have a different perception even though that's just medical. Then there's how you dress, how you act, how you speak etc. Idk if lesbians have a gay accent like the guys sometimes do when they're subconsiously trying to enable gaydars but I probably speak in it. I don't mean stereotypically with all this but there's little details that indicate queerness if you're in "the know". I'm not though my gaydar is shit.
Oh and I guess all the supposed "mental health issues" which I don't really see as issues, more just an extension of me at this point. I keep so much secret that it feels like I'm carrying a massive weight whenever I have any access to talk (so pretty much almost all the time) which I used to see as a bad thing but that weight has sorta just morphed into my secretive personality and I don't think about it much anymore, well, at least as a seperate thing. I know damn well I'm mentally unwell by professional standards, I'm on fucking Sanctioned Suicide, but I have no interest in getting "fixed". In fact, I try very hard to not get caught so I don't have to be "fixed". Nobody will understand my view point because I'm a whole lot of not normal and I can keep going further with this. I spent reception to year 11 in a private school so my view on lower class people is mostly from the internet and they know a lot more stuff than I do about society, I'm alt but not the right kind of alt to fit into alt sub cultures and i'm not the normal kind of suicidal so even on a website like this I still feel seperate.
I call myself a "passive suicidal person" and a masochist (not the sexual kind) and I quite like those terms but I'm not supposed to be content with finding enjoyment out of my own pain. Hell even with those terms I feel like I don't fit in. Suicidal people are supposed to be sad and hating their lives and wanting it all to end (basically any post here, I don't know why I'm explaining it) but I don't feel like most people on here. I just let it linger in my head and have been like this for so long that I've become desensitied to my violent thoughts of killing myself. Besides, I refuse to rest in peace until I've made all the games and stuff that I want to make. I don't think normal suicidal people think like that, I think they just go for it whenever they feel really terrible. That's why I chucked on the "passive" part because technically I've been suicidal since I was like 13 I think. Somewhere around that time, maybe 14. The point is that I've been like this for years. Masochists are supposed to be into BDSM and do it as a sexual thing. I have no interest in BDSM and personally think roleplaying as a rape victim is distasteful at best but by definition I am a masocist because I get "the enjoyment of experiencing pain" when I cut my arms, that's why I do it. Annoyingly, the sexual definition is the most common one on Google so it's a term I can't really explain to anyone else because they just won't be able to view it as I do. Speaking of which, I'm yet to find someone who self harms like I do. It's not the method that's unique, it's the motive. It's flip flopped around the place over the years and I do different things for different purpouses, but I mostly cut my lower arms like a normie because I love the feeling when there's the sting and the blood starts to trickle out in bright red, turning into a shiny little puddle and then the next day the scar is pink and still stings a bit and mmmmmmm not to mention the taste of blood. It's like my drug, cutting. Everything I've seen on self harm has always been about "managing emotions", "self punishment" and "feeling something" (which to be fair, I do use it to do that too, but not nearly as much and I use other methods so it doesn't count) and the only time I've seen someone cut for the fun of it, was in DDLC, and even then Yuri was all glitched and stuff so it's hard to tell what her regular motive was. It also makes it impossible to talk about or find meaningful information as it's all about quitting and coping mechanisms that I could use, but I won't because I don't want to. Hell even on here where I expected at least someone to understand, I haven't found anyone who sees it the way I do. All the self harmers on here do it because of the things I mentioned earlier and I'm not saying that it's a good thing ripping cuts into your vessels and that you shouldn't try to heal yourself if you don't like it and want to stop, but I'm not like that so it doesn't apply to me.
Those 2 paragraphs are why I've never bothered with therapy and avoid it like the plague. You want me to do the dishes? Just threaten me with finding a therapist and I'll get straight to work. Helplines are bullshit. PSAs are bullshit. Anything about mental health is bullshit because they just don't care. The only authenticity I've felt from mental health talks was on this website of all places because the people here understand something that the neatly dressed, happy faced individuals at Acronym Organisation don't because they're just paid to tell us to spread the same shallow messages on social media time and time again. Nobody cared, nobody cares and nobody will care and I've just accepted that. Cynical I know. Probably gonna go insane in some way shape or form in the future but I still won't consider a therapist. All they'll do is make me tell really personal shit and say it's confidential (I know damn well they're gonna make a tweet about it or something) and I don't like talking about myself personally: it makes me uncomfortable and it's also quite hard because I don't really know myself due to it mostly being locked behind a door and autism has the key, go "how does that make you feel?" when I have no damn idea how I feel about most things, make me stop cutting, make me think positvely about myself like those posters you sometimes find on the insides of toilet stalls for helplines when I really don't deserve praise at all and would just become a narcisist, tell me "no they're not talking behind you're back, you're just paranoid" when I know damn well they are (have no evidence but I have the vibes) and then get annoyed when it inevitably doesn't work and then make me live off pills with names that I can't pronounce and have my whole personality fucked up and probably feel worse afterwards. Psych wards sound like hell to me. Can't do anything but waste my life while people watch me do everything, can't cut, cheap ass food, no privacy, no Wi-Fi, have to talk about really personal things all the damn time, basically prison that I will never leave but I'm scared of going because I saw a TikTok complation where someone was sent there for a failed suicide attempt and I have a fairly recent failed suicide attempt lingering so if anyone finds out then they're probably going to pack me off to one of those underfunded hell holes that the only benefit would be the potential to find a girl who's just as fucked in the head as I am who also watches gore videos out of morbid curiousity and will probably also become obsessed if any romanticness arises.
In conclusion to this post that I didn't intend to be over 2500 words: I can't fit in anywhere and I feel disconnected from everyone including myself and will never get friends or a girlfriend or anything other than paranoia. I am destined to remain in mental health problems for the rest of my life because the world was never designed for me so nobody can fix me so why bother. I just hope I don't turn into an asshat that gets someone hurt/in danger. If so then politely murder out my fucking brains and smear it across the pavement for the whole neighbourhood to see.
