I know they're doing it from a place of love but the constant checking up on me, the unwillingness to understand things from my point of view it's so annoying. I understand it, they're my parents of course this is how they're going to act but it's ANNOYING!!!! I thought being open and honest with my situation would be a good thing, one of the main questions any parent would surely ask themselves for the rest of their lives if they found their child dead from suicide would be "why?", I was trying to answer this question beforehand because I want to cause as little confusion as possible whenever I go. I just feel trapped now since I started being honest, they're constantly monitoring me and even if I want to leave the house I get interrogated I feel so trapped. I don't have access to the means I would need to ctb in my ideal way, which would be full suspension hanging but there's no way I could sneak a rope inside, nor is there anything inside that I'm confident would support my 90kg body weight. I feel so trapped and it's killing me, it's like I'm a prisoner in a bullshit life that I never signed up for. It's getting to the point where I've genuinely been considering just going up to the top floor balcony and jumping head first. It's a stupid idea, it's only three stories, probably like 30-35 feet max. It *might* work because I would be landing on solid concrete but there's a good chance it doesn't work either and I end up in severe pain and multiple bone breaks and fractures. This would obviously not be ideal but I'm getting to the point where I feel like I have to attempt SOMETHING because I don't know how much more I can take of this. I'm turning into such an angry and bitter person and I hate it so much. This is not me I hate myself like this and I can't keep going on feeling like this it's emotionally killing me. I don't know what to do
