_sinner_
Member
- Jul 25, 2025
- 9
Probably the one good friend I have right now is currently in a similar boat as I am - that being teetering on the edge go just going through w it. He's an online friend, we met on a forum and just, at least I think, we clicked. I wanna preface that I'm not trying to be an asshole and be anti choice or anything like that, I understand that pisses people off. I can care all I want and still not get in the way if that is his choice. I really, really would like if he didn't but considering we're states away I can't do anything about it no matter what.
I had checked in a little bit ago and he in turn simply asked if he scared me. Maybe I should've just said no, but that would be a lie anyway. In my opinion maybe even cruel. I said not in a way he should feel bad about, because I feel as though it's normal for friends to worry about you if you say things like that? Right?... I don't know. But he responded and said he feels like shit thinking of leaving me behind but that he was in no shape to support anyone atm. That obviously makes sense, I told him he doesn't need to support me at all if he can't. Doesn't need to do anything. Not for my sake anyway. I hate that I might be tangled up in whatever guilt he has.
Which just brings me to the 'parasitic' part. I really thought I was better about it. He and other people that know of my pathetic existence say I don't talk about my problems as much as I think I do, but people say false platitudes all the time. All the time. I know they do. Im sure he has. But I'm wondering if I in some ways have burdened his life even further. And that hurts more than a lot of other people. He's helped me a lot. I've tried to help in turn. He's older and already out of college w a masters and I'm just an idiot trying to get through tech school without failing. Maybe all I did was become another thing he has to push through, another thing burdened by, some fool he has to consider while trying to help himself. I hate it. I hate that it always feels like this, and Im very aware im flawed. I've isolated myself as much as I possibly can because of it because I don't want to hurt anyone. He was like... the one exception. And I know that, whether he lives or dies, I can no longer have an exception. Because either way im sucking the life out of whoever im around by just being me, because if im honest I have a very low baseline and nobody wants to hear about that every day. Hell, I know that. I don't bring it up constantly, im not a complete idiot.
I don't know. I just have a feeling if he kills himself I'll be partially to blame somehow and I won't ever forgive myself for that. I can bury every single part of myself and even stop talking to him at all if it means he'll be ok. I don't care. I don't think he or anyone else realizes how close I am myself, but I have no intention of talking about it beyond here any longer.
I feel sick with shame. I shouldn't exist. I'm sorry man
I had checked in a little bit ago and he in turn simply asked if he scared me. Maybe I should've just said no, but that would be a lie anyway. In my opinion maybe even cruel. I said not in a way he should feel bad about, because I feel as though it's normal for friends to worry about you if you say things like that? Right?... I don't know. But he responded and said he feels like shit thinking of leaving me behind but that he was in no shape to support anyone atm. That obviously makes sense, I told him he doesn't need to support me at all if he can't. Doesn't need to do anything. Not for my sake anyway. I hate that I might be tangled up in whatever guilt he has.
Which just brings me to the 'parasitic' part. I really thought I was better about it. He and other people that know of my pathetic existence say I don't talk about my problems as much as I think I do, but people say false platitudes all the time. All the time. I know they do. Im sure he has. But I'm wondering if I in some ways have burdened his life even further. And that hurts more than a lot of other people. He's helped me a lot. I've tried to help in turn. He's older and already out of college w a masters and I'm just an idiot trying to get through tech school without failing. Maybe all I did was become another thing he has to push through, another thing burdened by, some fool he has to consider while trying to help himself. I hate it. I hate that it always feels like this, and Im very aware im flawed. I've isolated myself as much as I possibly can because of it because I don't want to hurt anyone. He was like... the one exception. And I know that, whether he lives or dies, I can no longer have an exception. Because either way im sucking the life out of whoever im around by just being me, because if im honest I have a very low baseline and nobody wants to hear about that every day. Hell, I know that. I don't bring it up constantly, im not a complete idiot.
I don't know. I just have a feeling if he kills himself I'll be partially to blame somehow and I won't ever forgive myself for that. I can bury every single part of myself and even stop talking to him at all if it means he'll be ok. I don't care. I don't think he or anyone else realizes how close I am myself, but I have no intention of talking about it beyond here any longer.
I feel sick with shame. I shouldn't exist. I'm sorry man
