My own recovery diary

[wantingdignity]

April 23

I found out recently that on the day that I was at the top of a seven story hospital garage looking down, my grandma was having a procedure done one building away. Her ride (my aunt) likely had her car below me. My younger brother's girlfriend was also working in the ER, about to graduate with her nursing degree.

I feel grossed out by this. I feel repulsed and angry. I just wanted to die! My time felt like it had run out. Everything was too painful. A big part of me wishes that I had just done it. I don't think I have the stomach to do that now. Suicidal thoughts scare me now, but I am also equally (or more, at times) afraid of recovering.

I can't afford my rent this month. I'm in an outpatient program, but they are now recommending me for residential treatment since my recovery is so slow. I had been getting better before having to go inpatient because my partner decided that me being suicidal was too much. Inpatient made my anxiety so much worse. I would still recommend it if you're in an emergency situation, but this particular location was awful. I went to the roof of the garage shortly after discharging. I've been committed to showing up to day treatment, but it is very slow.

I'm resentful that I "have to" get better. I'm told that I need to gradually change that to "get to" get better. For now, I'm resentful that I have to get better only to deal with the loss, the grief, the trauma, the hopelessness, and the responsibility to get better. I'm angry that I have to live so I don't hurt people. I'm angry that my partner, one of the people I didn't want to hurt, doesn't even want me anymore. I'm angry that I'm now looking back at that relationship and recognizing the abuse and the fact that didn't really love me for a while now.

I don't know who I am anymore. I clearly have not respected myself for a while. I want my pride and dignity back. I'm wrestling with how I made excuses for him violating my sexual boundaries. I'm wrestling with PTSD and not being able to work at the moment and not being able to take care of others or myself.

Any kind words would be appreciated I'm going to update this occasionally.

 

[wantingdignity]

April 24

I'm really anxious today. I have no idea what my new normal will be. This is not the life I wanted. I'm still staying alive for other people, but there's more acceptance than resentment for that today.

I'm really nervous with my discharge date from outpatient coming up. I do not feel ready. I feel fragile. I don't feel like me. I feel like I might revert right back when my days are empty again. I don't like feeling this fragile. I'm normally strong, highly independent, adventurous, and not this resentful and bitter person. I feel like a newborn - violently pushed out of my relationship, my job, and my relationships with people that have passed this year - and born again into the tiny baby blue walls of a psych ward. I did not ask for this rebirth. I did not want it.

How do I build a new life out of all of these broken pieces? What the fuck am I supposed to do with all of the blank time that I'm about to have?

 

[getoutgirl]

I'm really sorry you are feeling that way today. You have gone through a lot, and you know you have a lot more ahead. I'm sure it feels like an emotional avalanche and overwhelming. It's only normal really. I'm also sorry you were put through that and that you have to deal with it now. It's a lot of effort you are putting in. I hope you can slowly realize that, that you can get back to the person you were and, though it won't be easy, that the path to that will start to clear on the way. Until then I'm glad you are making these if it helps you just a little. Lots of hugs <333