Michelstaedter
Student
- Feb 25, 2025
- 186
This is another of my stories that I will tell openly, more than anything because I have always been lonely, although I did have "friends" or acquaintances (I don't know how to refer to them) at school, when I was in Facebook or WhatsApp groups, I was always alone or rather, my only friends who have always accompanied me are alone and loneliness, always.
I was never an outgoing guy, in fact I could say that for half my life or more, I always tended to be too shy, to the point where I thought it was a personality problem, since I wanted to make friends, socialize, go out with girls, etc. I consider that my worst period was in high school, because although I suffered bullying, I also had problems hanging out with people who saw me as a friend or who saw me as a confidant. I admit that at some time, in order to avoid being the ridicule of the classroom, I used to make fun of other kids, however I regret it and in fact later I realized that I was stupid, perhaps a defense mechanism that was too childish for that time when I did not know how to hide my shame from others. To make matters worse, there was a time when I tried to hide my complex because of my skin color, since although I live in Mexico, I have African-American roots and that made me more complex, to the extent that I hid my roots (nowadays I am not ashamed, in fact I am indifferent) and all that made my being that of a ridiculous, sad and lonely individual, since I had no friends, only acquaintances, boys with whom I hung out and who turned out to be their mockery to such a degree that I do not forget the time. that there was a type of hazing and a guy said: "to the biggest idiot in the room" and they targeted me... It was the worst stage of my life, however, and as ironic as it may sound, the last days of high school were calmer so I don't remember it completely as hell, since I know that there are other kids who, I regret, have gone through worse things and that it marks them for life... I survived it.
High school was the best I've been, since I began to socialize and to overcome some of my shyness, however, my way of hiding my sadness, my loneliness, the sorrows that I brought from middle school, was to act like a jester. I was always laughing stupidly, trying to hide my sadness, I was almost never serious or at least that was my perfect mask to hide my true essence. At first I remember being surprised how boys my age (14-15 years old) socialized much better than me, to the point that I thought it was some kind of "trick" or something to make it easier for them to talk to other people, it was even worse when I saw them talking to girls, because for me they were like something "special", to the point that if a girl spoke to me, at that time I felt as if I had achieved something wonderful, but obviously it was silly, since they were so similar and had the same problems as us boys, only at that age I did not see it that way. The years went by and I hung out with a group of guys with whom I finally felt like I belonged to a crew, and that way, little by little, I was able to be happy, and although there were depressive moments and the problem I already mentioned in another post about wanting a girlfriend, it was put aside when at least I had "friends" to spend my strange high school days with. In the end, and what helped was that most of them had never had a girlfriend, they didn't have one, and if they did or had one, it was such a brief approach they had with women who were almost on par in that aspect, with most having had their first girlfriend at most, and so at least I felt not so strange compared to guys my age...
College was a pretty weird time, because while I didn't feel too bad, there were still times that confused me, like I was clumsy or autistic (with all due respect to those who are like that). The biggest problem was that since I chose a university course with a 4:1 to 5:1 ratio of women to men, my difficulty speaking to women was more complex than I imagined, but I was still able to overcome it somehow as time went on. Something I haven't mentioned until now, and which I want to clarify, is that I was still self-conscious about my physique, my face, my skin color, so I began to have a kind of "phobia" of looking at myself in the mirror or looking at the reflection of my face. Whenever I did, I felt a kind of fear, startled, or something that made me feel afraid of seeing myself and feeling rejection from myself, just as other people felt they did, especially women. That was "cured" when I went to a psychologist around my second or third semester of college, and it helped me gain more confidence and get along better with women, since it was a long road from there to finishing my university degree. I didn't make many friends, since friendship between men and women can always be ambiguous, somewhat difficult due to the opposing extremes of being someone's partner or not. Even if you're just their friend, they can use you as a handkerchief to shed tears, as consolation to help them not feel so alone, or simply as someone to pass the time with. I don't mean to say that women are bad or that I hate them or anything like that. Rather, it was my perception over more than five years in college, and I don't know if it was the cultural context I was in that influenced me. Regarding the boys, I'll sum it up in that during the time I was in college, there were 3 in particular that I spent time with and 2 of them had relationships, two girls from the crew that I was with most of the time and one of them even had a girlfriend from the same class we were in, so sometimes I tried to avoid the topic of dating and used to make up or when I liked a girl, because I was desperate to have dates and formally be her boyfriend (I know, crazy, stupid) so as not to look like the abnormal one of the crew and well, it was just a facade, since in reality I should have been more myself, as I am now, indifferent to having a girlfriend and focused on things that could have interested me in those years just as I am now obsessed with achieving my CTB.
To summarize, I can say that what characterized my school stage was that I was always alone, since by the time I was during college or when I finished it and saw my old "friends" / acquaintances from high school, most of them already had a girlfriend, had new friends, already had a life plan and although they had problems, they had a future or the hope of living a normal life unlike me, who since high school, felt that I was going to live what I am now and in fact, although no longer so unhappy, since I feel determined and calm about thinking about my CTB and leaving this world forever, the only true friends I had were those two who I could call alone and loneliness, who have accompanied me until now and who I am sure will be close until the end comes, which I feel will be soon. My pets were also companions, and although they weren't human, I suppose that barrier separated us from being companions as such, since they were the closest thing I can call friends. And although they've already died and it hurts me deeply, it's the only motivation that makes me feel the drive to find the courage to die, because for them I would live again, and for them too I will die as I plan to.
Even so, all I have left is alone and loneliness, from here to the end.
I was never an outgoing guy, in fact I could say that for half my life or more, I always tended to be too shy, to the point where I thought it was a personality problem, since I wanted to make friends, socialize, go out with girls, etc. I consider that my worst period was in high school, because although I suffered bullying, I also had problems hanging out with people who saw me as a friend or who saw me as a confidant. I admit that at some time, in order to avoid being the ridicule of the classroom, I used to make fun of other kids, however I regret it and in fact later I realized that I was stupid, perhaps a defense mechanism that was too childish for that time when I did not know how to hide my shame from others. To make matters worse, there was a time when I tried to hide my complex because of my skin color, since although I live in Mexico, I have African-American roots and that made me more complex, to the extent that I hid my roots (nowadays I am not ashamed, in fact I am indifferent) and all that made my being that of a ridiculous, sad and lonely individual, since I had no friends, only acquaintances, boys with whom I hung out and who turned out to be their mockery to such a degree that I do not forget the time. that there was a type of hazing and a guy said: "to the biggest idiot in the room" and they targeted me... It was the worst stage of my life, however, and as ironic as it may sound, the last days of high school were calmer so I don't remember it completely as hell, since I know that there are other kids who, I regret, have gone through worse things and that it marks them for life... I survived it.
High school was the best I've been, since I began to socialize and to overcome some of my shyness, however, my way of hiding my sadness, my loneliness, the sorrows that I brought from middle school, was to act like a jester. I was always laughing stupidly, trying to hide my sadness, I was almost never serious or at least that was my perfect mask to hide my true essence. At first I remember being surprised how boys my age (14-15 years old) socialized much better than me, to the point that I thought it was some kind of "trick" or something to make it easier for them to talk to other people, it was even worse when I saw them talking to girls, because for me they were like something "special", to the point that if a girl spoke to me, at that time I felt as if I had achieved something wonderful, but obviously it was silly, since they were so similar and had the same problems as us boys, only at that age I did not see it that way. The years went by and I hung out with a group of guys with whom I finally felt like I belonged to a crew, and that way, little by little, I was able to be happy, and although there were depressive moments and the problem I already mentioned in another post about wanting a girlfriend, it was put aside when at least I had "friends" to spend my strange high school days with. In the end, and what helped was that most of them had never had a girlfriend, they didn't have one, and if they did or had one, it was such a brief approach they had with women who were almost on par in that aspect, with most having had their first girlfriend at most, and so at least I felt not so strange compared to guys my age...
College was a pretty weird time, because while I didn't feel too bad, there were still times that confused me, like I was clumsy or autistic (with all due respect to those who are like that). The biggest problem was that since I chose a university course with a 4:1 to 5:1 ratio of women to men, my difficulty speaking to women was more complex than I imagined, but I was still able to overcome it somehow as time went on. Something I haven't mentioned until now, and which I want to clarify, is that I was still self-conscious about my physique, my face, my skin color, so I began to have a kind of "phobia" of looking at myself in the mirror or looking at the reflection of my face. Whenever I did, I felt a kind of fear, startled, or something that made me feel afraid of seeing myself and feeling rejection from myself, just as other people felt they did, especially women. That was "cured" when I went to a psychologist around my second or third semester of college, and it helped me gain more confidence and get along better with women, since it was a long road from there to finishing my university degree. I didn't make many friends, since friendship between men and women can always be ambiguous, somewhat difficult due to the opposing extremes of being someone's partner or not. Even if you're just their friend, they can use you as a handkerchief to shed tears, as consolation to help them not feel so alone, or simply as someone to pass the time with. I don't mean to say that women are bad or that I hate them or anything like that. Rather, it was my perception over more than five years in college, and I don't know if it was the cultural context I was in that influenced me. Regarding the boys, I'll sum it up in that during the time I was in college, there were 3 in particular that I spent time with and 2 of them had relationships, two girls from the crew that I was with most of the time and one of them even had a girlfriend from the same class we were in, so sometimes I tried to avoid the topic of dating and used to make up or when I liked a girl, because I was desperate to have dates and formally be her boyfriend (I know, crazy, stupid) so as not to look like the abnormal one of the crew and well, it was just a facade, since in reality I should have been more myself, as I am now, indifferent to having a girlfriend and focused on things that could have interested me in those years just as I am now obsessed with achieving my CTB.
To summarize, I can say that what characterized my school stage was that I was always alone, since by the time I was during college or when I finished it and saw my old "friends" / acquaintances from high school, most of them already had a girlfriend, had new friends, already had a life plan and although they had problems, they had a future or the hope of living a normal life unlike me, who since high school, felt that I was going to live what I am now and in fact, although no longer so unhappy, since I feel determined and calm about thinking about my CTB and leaving this world forever, the only true friends I had were those two who I could call alone and loneliness, who have accompanied me until now and who I am sure will be close until the end comes, which I feel will be soon. My pets were also companions, and although they weren't human, I suppose that barrier separated us from being companions as such, since they were the closest thing I can call friends. And although they've already died and it hurts me deeply, it's the only motivation that makes me feel the drive to find the courage to die, because for them I would live again, and for them too I will die as I plan to.
Even so, all I have left is alone and loneliness, from here to the end.
