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Ociv

Ociv

Older On The Inside
Mar 29, 2024
75
Ok so this is my first thread on this site, apologies if I do something wrong..

M22, Oklahoma, USA

Ive dealt with depression (bipolar? idk never got a diagnosis) for six years and suicidal notions for the latter half of that. I don't want to give my whole story and make this into an unreadable wall of text, so if you want to hear more, ask on here or pm me.

The gist of the thing driving me towards suicide (should I be saying ctb instead?) is the idea that the enjoyment I get out of life is not worth the suffering I have to go through to attain it. I wake up and go to work, and while suffering through work, I ask myself "What am I doing this for?" and the answer is always something like "so I can get money to survive and wake up tomorrow to do the same." It is a cycle that I feel no particular attachment to, and when combined with my bouts of depression, I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

A couple years ago I met a girl and we started dating. After helping care for her while she was between jobs and paying for expensive surgeries, I started having a new answer to that question: "I'm doing it for her." I had nothing to spend my time and money on, as there isn't really anything I want in life, but she does want those things, so I started sacrificing my time and money for her. It felt really good to have something beyond me to serve as a purpose for my suffering.

After two years, last month now, she cheated on me with a man we had met on an out of state trip. It is evident now that she didn't appreciate the sacrifices I made for her, but I found that that notion didn't make me feel bad. I didn't feel used or taken for granted, I just felt grateful to have had something that made me feel that life was worth living. I decided that she was worth it, and that was all that mattered to me. That isn't to say that I didn't feel hurt by her betrayal at all, it still pisses me off, but I found something that let me keep on living.

Now, I feel not only profound loneliness at losing the only person I ever loved, but profound hopelessness at losing the only thing that kept me going. If I can capture that feeling again, maybe I won't have to die so soon.

Is this unhealthy?

If I could somehow find someone like that again, someone who makes me happy and feels worth it, I could give my life to them. I would feel the warmth of purpose again. Even if I am setting myself up to be taken advantage of, is that not worth it in the end? By pursuing this, would I end up causing irreparable damage to myself? Is it ethical to ask such a heavy role of a partner? Would it even work again? Is love like this a one time thing? Would this feeling even last?

I feel as though being in a relationship was the only way I have ever successfully beaten back my depression, even if just by a hair. I want to do it again, even though for what some might call the wrong reasons. I want to use another person as a tool to prop up my own will to live, and in return that person gets a partner who will willingly give up his life and everything in it for her.

Please share your opinions on this.. My mind is spinning trying to organize my thoughts and I feel like I can't tell right from wrong right now. Ask me questions, give your take, your experiences, anything to help me figure this out.
 
LocalAngel

LocalAngel

Lost, wanting out.
Feb 7, 2023
205
As a trans girl... i can genuinely relate. Trans people dating other trans people usually means mentally ill, so we often have to prop each other up in order to make ends meet.

But i'm in the same boat. I need someone to take care of, or to take care of me, or else... nothing feels worth doing. There's no more reason. I'm not... actively looking right now? But if someone came looking for a relationship, i'm not sure i could really turn it down. That's kinda how badly i want to be loved, aha.

Is it unhealthy? Probably, if i'm being honest? the usual advice i hear everywhere is to work on yourself first when something like this happens. But that's... never ever worked for me? And if i can feel that happiness again, from having someone i truly love and want to protect... then yeah. I'll take it.

tl;dr it's a very complicated question that depends on your specific circumstances and the person you're with. x3
 
Ociv

Ociv

Older On The Inside
Mar 29, 2024
75
Is it unhealthy? Probably, if i'm being honest? the usual advice i hear everywhere is to work on yourself first when something like this happens. But that's... never ever worked for me? And if i can feel that happiness again, from having someone i truly love and want to protect... then yeah. I'll take it.

tl;dr it's a very complicated question that depends on your specific circumstances and the person you're with. x3
A complicated question it surely is.

I feel though, like this IS a form of working on myself. If having someone provide that need for purpose helps me to live, then would pursuing such a thing not be a tool for self help?
 
LocalAngel

LocalAngel

Lost, wanting out.
Feb 7, 2023
205
A complicated question it surely is.

I feel though, like this IS a form of working on myself. If having someone provide that need for purpose helps me to live, then would pursuing such a thing not be a tool for self help?
In the short term, yeah it can be helpful. It's when you rely on it to an extreme that it becomes a problem. People feel trapped when they feel like if they break up with you, that you're going to die, yk?

I'm saying this as a massive hypocrite, just to be clear. I do the same stuff and attach hard to anyone who admits they want to be in a relationship with me, so...
 
cryone

cryone

Student
Nov 23, 2023
167
i mean the ultimate goal here is probably to live. So, although I do see this as unhealthy b/c you're degrading yourself to being a tool, if it's the only way you can find purpose then I'd say do it. im also under the assumption that w/o purpose you'd ctb + v urgent scenario, but depending on the severity of ur suicide ideation this may not be the best idea. it's also important to note that this isn't reliable long term. considering that u're relatively young, this could help create an interim purpose so you can discover a genuine purpose later.


please note I don't actually know shit abt anything. honestly, your best bet is to consult a therapist now that you have extra $ to spend.
 
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druggedonsurvival

druggedonsurvival

Student
Feb 8, 2024
188
I see my desire for a relationship as a kind of survival mechanism, some kind of hope that my brain holds onto to convince me that I should keep going. It sounds like it might be the same for you. If you haven't given up on it like me then I would say you should lean into that - if you want to live, that is.

However, I will caution that relying on a relationship as your reason to keep going might put unwanted pressure on your partner and could strain a relationship. I've never been in one so I could be completely wrong, but that is my two cents.
 
B

biasedregret

Member
Feb 23, 2024
34
Hey man, I recently went through something like this myself, although I'm a bit older than you (30s, yikes).

I know exactly what you mean by losing your sense of purpose. I really enjoyed having a partner I cared about and who I could devote myself too. Losing that aspect of my life sent me spiraling pretty badly.

I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong about desiring a relationship where you mutually care for each other. Spoiling and taking care of my partner gave my life a sense of structure and purpose, especially given how mundane and stressful work / life / everything is. A durable and healthy relationship is good for you, in my opinion.

Now it all seems pretty meaningless.

And yeah, the platitude is always to love yourself and work on yourself and whatever, but it ain't quite the same as doing it for someone you care about. Like, great, I did a bunch of pushups today, but I'm still just in my empty apartment trying to amuse myself.

I think the key here is to not rush into another relationship just to recapture that feeling of caring for someone, yeah? Maybe try something like volunteering, which might produce a similar happiness without necessarily putting you in a position where you're trying to force a relationship before you're ready. At least that's what I'm trying.

You're young, too, which means you have a lot of time and opportunities to find a partner who will be worth it for the long haul!
 
Yarani

Yarani

the only constant is change.
Mar 29, 2024
92
Is love like this a one time thing?
I think I might be able to comment on this.

In my personal experience, it isn't.

I've had two longterm, deep relationships. I can say for both that I loved/love them VERY much ... when I lost the first one, my first ever partner, I made my first suicide attempt. Today, I still cherish him very much after ~15 years.
When it occured that my current partner might be about to leave me, I made my second attempt. That was about 6-7 years ago. He's still with me, although I never could understand why. When I spiraled into a particularly deep hell hole during the last weeks, I was fully sure that he was going to leave me once I finish my current life task in a few months. So I acquired SN. Turns out that my interpretation of perceptions might have been very wrong.

I'm sorry for talking so much about myself ... I just wanted to demonstrate that deep love can happen again. I personally do not think there are destined soulmates or such things.
Just love.
Individual and complex.

Also, please, be careful. Letting them walk all over you may turn into any form of abuse.
I have felt and learned emotional dependency.
I have felt that the other person is my only rope preventing me from falling completely into that dark hell hole that is always there.
I have let things happen that hurt me, out of fear of losing someone.
I can attest that yes, the need for someone can be so, so strong.
But not being able to get out of a situation of abuse - I'm not, at this point, able to see how it could not hurt and damage you more and more, and eventually lead into another spiral of darkness where the contradictions of love, need and pain might produce a fatal short circuit.

Therefore: yes, love can be possible, and there is a need to look after yourself, setting some boundaries.

Working on yourself before getting into a relationship was mentioned. It is very probably depending on the individual sitiation.
For me - changing, alone? No. Also, where would the finish line be, for being ready to enter a relationship? Could take years, decades.
What I find can be lifesaving is a relationship where you both can encourage changing together to grow stronger.
Might be totally different for someone else.

I would say ... seek it out, get into it, and try to keep learning, adapting, changing. Try to keep away from abuse. Along the way, you might land somewhere where you can evolve the way you want to.

There's always the risk of it breaking somehow.
But, as I personally have experienced so far, love can be found again, even after destroying and shattering you into pieces before. It's not necessarily easy or quick. Or believable.
But possible.

I wish for you finding it again. It can definitely keep the darkness at bay sometimes.
 

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