My near suicide experience (N2, exit bag)

[DeusVult]

I bought a Nitrogen tank and prepared it for use. I was feeling suicidal for a while, the depression getting worse, as I was being abused by my neighbors and a random stranger. Abusive people have always been attracted towards me since childhood. I've always just wanted to be left alone, never did anything to be seen by others, never annoyed anyone, but people never left me alone, they enjoy making others suffer. No attempt to deescalate the harm has ever worked, the violence just goes on for years without them stopping. Eventually I felt ready to end things, I couldn't take it anymore.

I never had anything that would make me happy, but so many things to make me feel pain daily. I started to cry, deciding for the last time whether I am going to die tonight, my soul completely crushed, I see no way out. I was crying to much, like there's no tomorrow. But in this state of hopelessness, I did what I never could before, I decided to ask for help for the first time, and I called my family and cried, telling them I can't take it anymore. They came to pick me up and drove me to a psych ward, where I spent a few months, and came back again almost immediately after being released, now to a different psych ward, for another few months.

I never had much of a connection to my family, we spoke briefly once a year, I always told them things were fine, and that's it. My experience at psych wards was mostly positive, it was a bit like prison and a kindergarten in one. I talked to a lot of psychiatrists, tried a bunch of pills, and met loads of people in similar situations. It was nice to openly discuss my pain and receive care for the first time ever. It can also be rough there, some people in there are pretty crazy, and might share a room with them. I don't know if the pills help or not, I feel similar as before, still empty and sad, but my view on life has changed, and I try to live with myself. I no longer have my Nitrogen tank, when suicidal thoughts come I think I'd use a rope these days, if it came to it. I moved away from my previous abusive apartment, to a somewhat calm location, still annoyed with my neighbors though.

If you're feeling suicidal, consider doing the unthinkable and asking the closest person in your family for help. Give psych wards a try, it's nice to just chill there for a few months, away from regular stressful life. Think of it as a vacation. Don't expect much from pills. But try to make friends there, talk with other patients, play some board games, etc. I even met a girl there, who I still talk to and sometimes visit her. She's much worse on it than me, she's anorexic, and will take potentially years to get better. But we help each other get through it.

 

[adoptedpain]

I bought a Nitrogen tank and prepared it for use. I was feeling suicidal for a while, the depression getting worse, as I was being abused by my neighbors and a random stranger. Abusive people have always been attracted towards me since childhood. I've always just wanted to be left alone, never did anything to be seen by others, never annoyed anyone, but people never left me alone, they enjoy making others suffer. No attempt to deescalate the harm has ever worked, the violence just goes on for years without them stopping. Eventually I felt ready to end things, I couldn't take it anymore.

I never had anything that would make me happy, but so many things to make me feel pain daily. I started to cry, deciding for the last time whether I am going to die tonight, my soul completely crushed, I see no way out. I was crying to much, like there's no tomorrow. But in this state of hopelessness, I did what I never could before, I decided to ask for help for the first time, and I called my family and cried, telling them I can't take it anymore. They came to pick me up and drove me to a psych ward, where I spent a few months, and came back again almost immediately after being released, now to a different psych ward, for another few months.

I never had much of a connection to my family, we spoke briefly once a year, I always told them things were fine, and that's it. My experience at psych wards was mostly positive, it was a bit like prison and a kindergarten in one. I talked to a lot of psychiatrists, tried a bunch of pills, and met loads of people in similar situations. It was nice to openly discuss my pain and receive care for the first time ever. It can also be rough there, some people in there are pretty crazy, and might share a room with them. I don't know if the pills help or not, I feel similar as before, still empty and sad, but my view on life has changed, and I try to live with myself. I no longer have my Nitrogen tank, when suicidal thoughts come I think I'd use a rope these days, if it came to it. I moved away from my previous abusive apartment, to a somewhat calm location, still annoyed with my neighbors though.

If you're feeling suicidal, consider doing the unthinkable and asking the closest person in your family for help. Give psych wards a try, it's nice to just chill there for a few months, away from regular stressful life. Think of it as a vacation. Don't expect much from pills. But try to make friends there, talk with other patients, play some board games, etc. I even met a girl there, who I still talk to and sometimes visit her. She's much worse on it than me, she's anorexic, and will take potentially years to get better. But we help each other get through it.

What if you don't have that as a luxury option? No family - debt - nowhere to go - just started a job that I hate and barely able to refill medications

 

[Darkover]

Give psych wards a try, it's nice to just chill there for a few months, away from regular stressful life. Think of it as a vacation.

i would say psych wards are mad house for the nutty not safe place to just go chill for a few months
the idea that it's a place to "chill" is often far from the truth—many wards focus more on stabilization and medication than genuine healing or connection.

 

[seekingpeace88]

What if you don't have that as a luxury option? No family - debt - nowhere to go - just started a job that I hate and barely able to refill medications

That is so tough I'm so sorry that is your situation

 

[looking4partner]

i would say psych wards are mad house for the nutty not safe place to just go chill for a few months
the idea that it's a place to "chill" is often far from the truth—many wards focus more on stabilization and medication than genuine healing or connection.

Some people have also had extremely negative reactions to psych meds and not been believed by psychiatrists or doctors who thought it was a relapse of their condition and didn't believe patients who said it was way different than any of their initial mental illness symptoms had ever been.

A psych ward is my worst nightmare because most psychiatrists just make people take more meds when they are having an adverse reaction that the psychiatrist keeps saying is a worsening of their illness instead of listening to the patient. And adding on more meds when someone is having an adverse reaction can make the adverse side effects even worse and add even more additional adverse effects on top of the ones they already have.

There are also disabilities, mental illnesses & disorders that most psych wards have no education of or understanding about such as chronic fatigue syndrome, dissociative disorders, autism, ADHD, & trauma (including medical & psychiatric trauma)