Help my mom told me she will kill herself too if I do

[4Das]

I feel so guilty.
my mom has suffered all her life, from the start at her abusive home, horrible parents and she has experienced sexual assault many many times.
she has ptsd, anxiety disorders and so much more the list is long, to this day she is struggling.
she raised me so well, did everything right a mother could potentially do right.
I just can't go on, I'm sick and it only gets worse I know exactly that I can't do this to myself forever.
especially considering that my girlfriend will most Likely commit suicide herself at the end of this month, idk how to go on with that.
I just want to sleep and never wake up but I don't know how how to do this to my mom.
I can't keep going, life has nothing to offer for a guy like me and I don't want to even keep trying, even if I was perfectly fine and wasn't depressed there would still be nothing in life I really desire
I just want to go, I really want to go and I can't take this anymore but my mom says she will feel like it's her fault forever because she didn't force me in a mental hospital.
I can't go to the hospital, she constantly tries to talk me into it but I really cannot do that and won't do it again under any circumstances.
I will leave her behind with huge unbearable pain, she loves me so much I really doubt there's a human in the world that can love as much as my mother does.
I know she will never in her life recover from my death, even if she does end up staying.
I was thinking to try to write the best letter, trying to explain to her detailed that it really isn't her fault and writing one to my sister, saying goodbye and telling her about how much I enjoyed my childhood with her and I wanted to ask her to be support for my mom as my sister doesn't suffer from mental problems.
I know this is like my 100000 thread on this topic but I have to talk about it, I can't keep it to myself and I have no one but you guys to talk about this.
please someone give me advice, how to deal with the guilt? how can I kill myself while knowing what I'm gonna do to my mom? and please don't tell me something along the lines of staying for her, I did that since I was 12, I really can't take it anymore, I can't sacrifice myself forever.
I'm sick, I'm deeply sick and all I want is peace, all I want is to sleep forever.

 

[Pulse9477]

1Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
-Pulse9477

---

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Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
- -Pulse9477
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[4Das]

1Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
-Pulse9477

---

Spoiler: PGP Signed Message

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
Hash: SHA512

Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
- -Pulse9477
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thank you so much

 

[goodbad&ugly777]

I'm in the same boat, I'm telling myself that if I do ctb, that nothing's gonna matter after I do. It's selfish I know but it helps me get myself in the mindset needed to take my life. Or at least I think it helps.

Also I like to believe that if someone truly loves you, they wouldn't want you to suffer your whole life and that they would let you ctb If you really wanted to.

 

[4Das]

I'm in the same boat, I'm telling myself that if I do ctb, that nothing's gonna matter after I do. It's selfish I know but it helps me get myself in the mindset needed to take my life. Or at least I think it helps.

Also I like to believe that if someone truly loves you, they wouldn't want you to suffer your whole life and that they would let you ctb If you really wanted to.

shes really scared but I feel like she's trying to make me feel horrible for it.
she knows I'm not Christian but she also knows I'm a bit scared of what will happen after my death and she has said things such as "when you're up there you will see me suffer forever" or similar things.
I feel guilty enough without things like that already, she also told me shes gonna kill herself if I do and that I have responsibility for the entire family.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I'm in a similar spot
I adore my mother, as much as she's made some mistakes and done some things that have hurt me permanently, I truly adore her, she has been through so much and she's so brave for trying to continue on.. She has mental health issues but doesn't want treatment or diagnoses but I know cptsd is at least one of them
She often says that my birth and my existence was the only thing to bring her life, that's why she chose my irl name, because I was a blessing that gave everyone around me a new chance at a better life, had she not had me she would've died
The only thing keeping her alive is my existence.. Even when I moved out from where we lived together to be with my other family she had so many breakdowns, she cut herself and relapsed in so many things and drowned her loneliness in random men.. And I feel so guilty for it all, knowing that when I die I'll be leaving behind a sinkhole that she'll fall into herself and that I'm responsible for two lives
It's exhausting, I try to keep it away from my mind, I try to just ignore it because I DO want to die, unless by some miracle my only small hope for life becomes true, I do truly want to end it all, I want to die when I'm still decently okay physically and before my mental issues develop further which with time they will..
Sorry for getting into a rant.. I just wanted to say I understand and I'm in a similar spot

 

[4Das]

I'm in a similar spot
I adore my mother, as much as she's made some mistakes and done some things that have hurt me permanently, I truly adore her, she has been through so much and she's so brave for trying to continue on.. She has mental health issues but doesn't want treatment or diagnoses but I know cptsd is at least one of them
She often says that my birth and my existence was the only thing to bring her life, that's why she chose my irl name, because I was a blessing that gave everyone around me a new chance at a better life, had she not had me she would've died
The only thing keeping her alive is my existence.. Even when I moved out from where we lived together to be with my other family she had so many breakdowns, she cut herself and relapsed in so many things and drowned her loneliness in random men.. And I feel so guilty for it all, knowing that when I die I'll be leaving behind a sinkhole that she'll fall into herself and that I'm responsible for two lives
It's exhausting, I try to keep it away from my mind, I try to just ignore it because I DO want to die, unless by some miracle my only small hope for life becomes true, I do truly want to end it all, I want to die when I'm still decently okay physically and before my mental issues develop further which with time they will..
Sorry for getting into a rant.. I just wanted to say I understand and I'm in a similar spot

I'm deeply sorry you have to go through that too
it feels kinda comforting to see someone be in a similar position, thanks for telling