Help my mom told me she will kill herself too if I do

[4Das]

I feel so guilty.
my mom has suffered all her life, from the start at her abusive home, horrible parents and she has experienced sexual assault many many times.
she has ptsd, anxiety disorders and so much more the list is long, to this day she is struggling.
she raised me so well, did everything right a mother could potentially do right.
I just can't go on, I'm sick and it only gets worse I know exactly that I can't do this to myself forever.
especially considering that my girlfriend will most Likely commit suicide herself at the end of this month, idk how to go on with that.
I just want to sleep and never wake up but I don't know how how to do this to my mom.
I can't keep going, life has nothing to offer for a guy like me and I don't want to even keep trying, even if I was perfectly fine and wasn't depressed there would still be nothing in life I really desire
I just want to go, I really want to go and I can't take this anymore but my mom says she will feel like it's her fault forever because she didn't force me in a mental hospital.
I can't go to the hospital, she constantly tries to talk me into it but I really cannot do that and won't do it again under any circumstances.
I will leave her behind with huge unbearable pain, she loves me so much I really doubt there's a human in the world that can love as much as my mother does.
I know she will never in her life recover from my death, even if she does end up staying.
I was thinking to try to write the best letter, trying to explain to her detailed that it really isn't her fault and writing one to my sister, saying goodbye and telling her about how much I enjoyed my childhood with her and I wanted to ask her to be support for my mom as my sister doesn't suffer from mental problems.
I know this is like my 100000 thread on this topic but I have to talk about it, I can't keep it to myself and I have no one but you guys to talk about this.
please someone give me advice, how to deal with the guilt? how can I kill myself while knowing what I'm gonna do to my mom? and please don't tell me something along the lines of staying for her, I did that since I was 12, I really can't take it anymore, I can't sacrifice myself forever.
I'm sick, I'm deeply sick and all I want is peace, all I want is to sleep forever.

 

[Pulse9477]

1Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
-Pulse9477

---

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Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
- -Pulse9477
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[4Das]

1Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
-Pulse9477

---

Spoiler: PGP Signed Message

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
Hash: SHA512

Hey.
I understand your pain. One thing that stuck with me is that while you won't be able to change her reaction to your death, you can focus on making good memories (as bad as they may actually be) with her before you CTB.

Also, this resource might be of use to you. The section on leaving support resources (9. CRISIS HELP FOR SURVIVORS) is something that I think is overlooked, often by the Government. I am going to leave a list of support resources that I think might be good (rather than just 988), like a local grief support group's information and insurance-covered counseling.
- -Pulse9477
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thank you so much

 

[goodbad&ugly777]

I'm in the same boat, I'm telling myself that if I do ctb, that nothing's gonna matter after I do. It's selfish I know but it helps me get myself in the mindset needed to take my life. Or at least I think it helps.

Also I like to believe that if someone truly loves you, they wouldn't want you to suffer your whole life and that they would let you ctb If you really wanted to.

 

[4Das]

I'm in the same boat, I'm telling myself that if I do ctb, that nothing's gonna matter after I do. It's selfish I know but it helps me get myself in the mindset needed to take my life. Or at least I think it helps.

Also I like to believe that if someone truly loves you, they wouldn't want you to suffer your whole life and that they would let you ctb If you really wanted to.

shes really scared but I feel like she's trying to make me feel horrible for it.
she knows I'm not Christian but she also knows I'm a bit scared of what will happen after my death and she has said things such as "when you're up there you will see me suffer forever" or similar things.
I feel guilty enough without things like that already, she also told me shes gonna kill herself if I do and that I have responsibility for the entire family.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I'm in a similar spot
I adore my mother, as much as she's made some mistakes and done some things that have hurt me permanently, I truly adore her, she has been through so much and she's so brave for trying to continue on.. She has mental health issues but doesn't want treatment or diagnoses but I know cptsd is at least one of them
She often says that my birth and my existence was the only thing to bring her life, that's why she chose my irl name, because I was a blessing that gave everyone around me a new chance at a better life, had she not had me she would've died
The only thing keeping her alive is my existence.. Even when I moved out from where we lived together to be with my other family she had so many breakdowns, she cut herself and relapsed in so many things and drowned her loneliness in random men.. And I feel so guilty for it all, knowing that when I die I'll be leaving behind a sinkhole that she'll fall into herself and that I'm responsible for two lives
It's exhausting, I try to keep it away from my mind, I try to just ignore it because I DO want to die, unless by some miracle my only small hope for life becomes true, I do truly want to end it all, I want to die when I'm still decently okay physically and before my mental issues develop further which with time they will..
Sorry for getting into a rant.. I just wanted to say I understand and I'm in a similar spot

 

[4Das]

I'm in a similar spot
I adore my mother, as much as she's made some mistakes and done some things that have hurt me permanently, I truly adore her, she has been through so much and she's so brave for trying to continue on.. She has mental health issues but doesn't want treatment or diagnoses but I know cptsd is at least one of them
She often says that my birth and my existence was the only thing to bring her life, that's why she chose my irl name, because I was a blessing that gave everyone around me a new chance at a better life, had she not had me she would've died
The only thing keeping her alive is my existence.. Even when I moved out from where we lived together to be with my other family she had so many breakdowns, she cut herself and relapsed in so many things and drowned her loneliness in random men.. And I feel so guilty for it all, knowing that when I die I'll be leaving behind a sinkhole that she'll fall into herself and that I'm responsible for two lives
It's exhausting, I try to keep it away from my mind, I try to just ignore it because I DO want to die, unless by some miracle my only small hope for life becomes true, I do truly want to end it all, I want to die when I'm still decently okay physically and before my mental issues develop further which with time they will..
Sorry for getting into a rant.. I just wanted to say I understand and I'm in a similar spot

I'm deeply sorry you have to go through that too
it feels kinda comforting to see someone be in a similar position, thanks for telling

 

[orchidguy98761]

shes really scared but I feel like she's trying to make me feel horrible for it.
she knows I'm not Christian but she also knows I'm a bit scared of what will happen after my death and she has said things such as "when you're up there you will see me suffer forever" or similar things.
I feel guilty enough without things like that already, she also told me shes gonna kill herself if I do and that I have responsibility for the entire family.

I am sorry for feel like you have no other option. But your mom sounds like an amazing, amazing person. Whether or not she is serious about ending her life after you, it seems like she is just desperate to find a way for you to stay alive. I think it is coming from the right place. I think that it is worth going online and just browsing endlessly and looking up all sorts of stuff that you have been curious about. Black holes, true crime, marine life, or anything. You might find something that you are interested in and it is never too late to find something to be passionate about in life. It could lead to a fulfilling career and life. It seems like you still have an open pasture ahead of you and I would try to find a future worth living for yourself before considering a premature end like that. If you get to a point where you are in a corner with no way out or no path forward (idk like being hunted down by police fora bunch or murders lol) I would probably give yourself some time. This is coming from someone who is at the end himself but trust me, I have gotten to a point of no return and have wasted years of my life for nothing. I do not think that is the case for you and your mom seems to agree. Happy to talk it over, life sucks but there are things that make it suck a little less.

 

[4Das]

I am sorry for feel like you have no other option. But your mom sounds like an amazing, amazing person. Whether or not she is serious about ending her life after you, it seems like she is just desperate to find a way for you to stay alive. I think it is coming from the right place. I think that it is worth going online and just browsing endlessly and looking up all sorts of stuff that you have been curious about. Black holes, true crime, marine life, or anything. You might find something that you are interested in and it is never too late to find something to be passionate about in life. It could lead to a fulfilling career and life. It seems like you still have an open pasture ahead of you and I would try to find a future worth living for yourself before considering a premature end like that. If you get to a point where you are in a corner with no way out or no path forward (idk like being hunted down by police fora bunch or murders lol) I would probably give yourself some time. This is coming from someone who is at the end himself but trust me, I have gotten to a point of no return and have wasted years of my life for nothing. I do not think that is the case for you and your mom seems to agree. Happy to talk it over, life sucks but there are things that make it suck a little less.

I just don't think I can, I'm so tired and exhausted
I don't want a successful life either, I just want to sleep forever
but thank you tho

 

[MrMegalomaniac]

This feels heartbreaking to read, too many people are unjustly suffering in this stupid world.

 

[Chabrychek]

I'm in the same situation. I have no one and nothing in my life except my mom. We have a difficult relationship, and she's indirectly responsible for some of my problems, but she's the only one in this world who loves me and cares about me. I know my death will break her heart. I'm trying to prepare her for it, by isolating myself, etc, so she can live without me. But I'm afraid I'll completely destroy her, because she's already had a hard life.

 

[iwanttodie019]

I felt very bad reading this

 

[never mind me]

shes really scared but I feel like she's trying to make me feel horrible for it.
she knows I'm not Christian but she also knows I'm a bit scared of what will happen after my death and she has said things such as "when you're up there you will see me suffer forever" or similar things.
I feel guilty enough without things like that already, she also told me shes gonna kill herself if I do and that I have responsibility for the entire family.

I adore my mother, as much as she's made some mistakes and done some things that have hurt me permanently, I truly adore her, she has been through so much and she's so brave for trying to continue on.. She has mental health issues but doesn't want treatment or diagnoses but I know cptsd is at least one of them
She often says that my birth and my existence was the only thing to bring her life, that's why she chose my irl name, because I was a blessing that gave everyone around me a new chance at a better life, had she not had me she would've died
The only thing keeping her alive is my existence.. Even when I moved out from where we lived together to be with my other family she had so many breakdowns, she cut herself and relapsed in so many things and drowned her loneliness in random men.. And I feel so guilty for it all, knowing that when I die I'll be leaving behind a sinkhole that she'll fall into herself and that I'm responsible for two lives

Although I understand that you don't want to cause your mothers grieve I don't think you are responsible for your mothers. It's the resonsibility of a parent to care for their child and it shouldn't feel that as a child you are responsible for the happiness and well-being of your mother. Even once you grow up, I don't think you can or should carry the responsibility for your parents well-being and mental health issues. After all they are grown women and should get the support they need and not rely only on you. I wouldn't consider a relationship of a mother who tells her child that he or she is the only thing keeping her alive to be very healthy. It really puts too much pressure on you.

That doesn't mean I think you should necessarily ctb. If you still have hope that things could improve, try to hold on and see, if you can turn your life around. I only think that nobody owes it to a parent to stick around, if he or she really doesn't want to. It is your life, you didn't choose to be born.

 

[4Das]

Although I understand that you don't want to cause your mothers grieve I don't think you are responsible for your mothers. It's the resonsibility of a parent to care for their child and it shouldn't feel that as a child you are responsible for the happiness and well-being of your mother. Even once you grow up, I don't think you can or should carry the responsibility for your parents well-being and mental health issues. After all they are grown women and should get the support they need and not rely only on you. I wouldn't consider a relationship of a mother who tells her child that he or she is the only thing keeping her alive to be very healthy. It really puts too much pressure on you.

That doesn't mean I think you should necessarily ctb. If you still have hope that things could improve, try to hold on and see, if you can turn your life around. I only think that nobody owes it to a parent to stick around, if he or she really doesn't want to. It is your life, you didn't choose to be born.

thanks a lot man this is really helpful
and she meant like she would kill herself if I killed myself because she couldn't bear the pain of losing me, not that I'm the only thing keeping her alive, if I never existed in first place she would never consider suicide, she never did she has a really strong will to live

 

[Apology]

That sounds similar to me except my mom absolutely was not great. I had the fucking shit beat out of me almost every day.

She would sleep all day long for years leaving me and my sister to essentially take care of ourselves, only to wake up to scream and beat on us (usually me) whenever she would occasionally wake up during the daytime.

There wasn't a single day I wouldn't cry for years of my childhood

The sexist ass misandrist court system granted us in her custody (as they ALWAYS do for mothers) instead of my father. But in all honesty, my dad wasn't even 20% as abusive as my mom was. He shouldve obtained custody, not my cunt ass mom.
To her credit she (mostly) hasn't been this way for a while in her best efforts, but I am forever fucking scared and internally mentally destroyed from the horrendous torture I endured as a child. I will never forget a thing

 

[goodbad&ugly777]

shes really scared but I feel like she's trying to make me feel horrible for it.
she knows I'm not Christian but she also knows I'm a bit scared of what will happen after my death and she has said things such as "when you're up there you will see me suffer forever" or similar things.
I feel guilty enough without things like that already, she also told me shes gonna kill herself if I do and that I have responsibility for the entire family.

I mean, it's your choice, but I would distance myself away from her if I were you. She can't force you to do anything if you barely talk to her. She also totally sounds like she is trying to manipulate you, I would maybe go to therapy and just talk about this to someone more experienced. But yeah, she doesn't seem like the best person to listen to right now.

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

I'm having this problem with my husband. My mom was the only good person in my life, and I couldn't have left until after she died, which was 2.5 years ago. The only reason I have to be angry with my mother is that she forced life on me when I don't want it.

But my husband knows how I feel. He knows I'm planning something, because i just cancelled a big trip and gave all the money to a woman whose electricity had been shut off.

I felt like that would do more good, because I would just fuck up the trip, and I'm planning to ctb before the trip would have happened, so I'm canceling all my reservations and plans, so I had the extra money.

But my husband smells something is off and he is HOUNDING ME! He wants to "talk." All the time. I don't want to talk. I don't have anything to say. He asked if he was going to come to my house and find me dead, and I said no (because I won't do it in the house.)

He's constantly trying to list off everything SUPER about LIFE! And then I throw things at him until he goes AWAY! God, I just dont want to hear it. Unfortunately, he's my only source of income, so it will be much better for him when I'm gone. But he thinks that I'm just great and I should tal and look at all the wonderful things about the Disney-movie in his head. He sounds like a fucking Disney movie.

God, I wish he would SHUT UP and GO AWAY!

 

[iwillsucceed]

I understand the reluctance to go to the hospital. I've spent the majority of my youth going in and out of it, given it is "free" in Canada. The prescription drugs they loaded me up with didn't help, only made me worse. If you die, don't worry, she will recover. She has gone through hell and back, from what I read. She has resilience. The question is, will you recover from suicidality and the debilitating suffering that makes suicide the only way out of it.

I feel so guilty.
my mom has suffered all her life, from the start at her abusive home, horrible parents and she has experienced sexual assault many many times.
she has ptsd, anxiety disorders and so much more the list is long, to this day she is struggling.
she raised me so well, did everything right a mother could potentially do right.
I just can't go on, I'm sick and it only gets worse I know exactly that I can't do this to myself forever.
especially considering that my girlfriend will most Likely commit suicide herself at the end of this month, idk how to go on with that.
I just want to sleep and never wake up but I don't know how how to do this to my mom.
I can't keep going, life has nothing to offer for a guy like me and I don't want to even keep trying, even if I was perfectly fine and wasn't depressed there would still be nothing in life I really desire
I just want to go, I really want to go and I can't take this anymore but my mom says she will feel like it's her fault forever because she didn't force me in a mental hospital.
I can't go to the hospital, she constantly tries to talk me into it but I really cannot do that and won't do it again under any circumstances.
I will leave her behind with huge unbearable pain, she loves me so much I really doubt there's a human in the world that can love as much as my mother does.
I know she will never in her life recover from my death, even if she does end up staying.
I was thinking to try to write the best letter, trying to explain to her detailed that it really isn't her fault and writing one to my sister, saying goodbye and telling her about how much I enjoyed my childhood with her and I wanted to ask her to be support for my mom as my sister doesn't suffer from mental problems.
I know this is like my 100000 thread on this topic but I have to talk about it, I can't keep it to myself and I have no one but you guys to talk about this.
please someone give me advice, how to deal with the guilt? how can I kill myself while knowing what I'm gonna do to my mom? and please don't tell me something along the lines of staying for her, I did that since I was 12, I really can't take it anymore, I can't sacrifice myself forever.
I'm sick, I'm deeply sick and all I want is peace, all I want is to sleep forever.

 

[KatalinaKrimson]

That's her decision.

 

[iw2begone]

shes really scared but I feel like she's trying to make me feel horrible for it.
she knows I'm not Christian but she also knows I'm a bit scared of what will happen after my death and she has said things such as "when you're up there you will see me suffer forever" or similar things.
I feel guilty enough without things like that already, she also told me shes gonna kill herself if I do and that I have responsibility for the entire family.

as hard as it is, you are not responsible for other people's actions. she is completely capable of independent thought and decision making, try not take the responsibility of her life onto your shoulders.

 

[skybox]

My mom has told me the same thing multiple times in her life and I believe her. Sometimes I feel like she will do it before me, she's been abused since early childhood all the way up until she had me. My heart breaks at the idea of her doing it, but I hate how it keeps me tethered. Things have been getting really bad again for the both of us and sometimes I feel like maybe we should both go. I feel like neither of us were meant to be here.