Venting my mom scared me into thinking i would die - kinda wish i did

[subwayhcar]

Unsure of how to title this- but this event in my life has been on my mind more than usual recently.

Basically, when I was about 11 I was having issues with my mom. I really wasn't suicidal yet. We had an argument and as I was sobbing I told her, "I wish I was never born." She got really angry with me and called my dad and made me repeat back to him what I said to her. I don't really remember what she and I talked about right after the call ended other than her shouting at me about how rude it was, after she had spent so much time and money raising me. She took my hand and started leading me towards the garage, screaming at me asking if she should just drive off the road and crash her car so we could both die. That's probably the most scared I've ever been in my entire life to be honest, I was kicking and yelling at her and everything. She didn't let me go until we got to her car doors.

I feel crazy for thinking this, but,,,,, if I just died in that moment I wouldn't have to feel this way now, right? My relationship with her only got worse over the years so if I just died right then I wouldn't have to spend so many years feeling so shitty. Like I could have been less of a waste of time and resources. It's difficult.

 

[GenZ-Snowflake]

Something like this happened to me too when I was ~18-19. Not the car part but my mother tried the same tactic of threatening to kill me and herself to scare me at the time. I don't remember the exact details, but it was during a scolding session and I remained largely unresponsive until my parents forced me to talk and I may have expressed some suicidal thoughts...