Venting my mom had sex with my dad and what she was the most scared about was making another me

[melancholyxx]

my father abandoned us before i was born. my mother was in her early twenties and alone. never had a good relationship with the woman but the recent few weeks have been pretty good.

so good that i even stopped coming on here for a while. our dynamic was never gonna be mother and daughterly, the closest we have was a bff type scenario where wed argue here and there.

so yesterday night, we were just chatting. she's been open to me about everything relating to her sex life. she's very active now which i really don't judge. it's not like im not sexually active here and there.

then she just drops it like it meant nothing. she had sex with my dad when she was staying with her bf, the man who she abandoned me for at 17. im 20 now.

she hurt me and betrayed her bf. cool. what the fuck. she wasnt emotional or ashamed, but she started to tear up when she said and i quote "im not ready to be in a turning point of my life again. i dont want to repeat the same mistake of having..." she trails off because shes looking dead straight at me.

i thought we were cool.

i forgave her for abandoning me at 17 to live life on my own no matter how hard i pleaded. i forgave her for choosing alcohol over me over and over again. but my dad..?

after everything we went through with that bald headed piece of shit. him?

she even told him the shit i told her about. how he's abusive to his other family, my siblings. how he got accused of rape and how not a single one of his kids had faith that he didn't do it.

all it took was for him to come in for everything to be ruined again.

just like that, my mom best friend girl turned into the same alcoholic piece of shit that raised me all that time ago.

i feel numb now. last night, my mind was going 1000000mph. it wouldnt shut up of just constant thoughts of not being good enough. of being the bastard child again, "why am i not good enough for my parents ahhh" that whole thing looped and looped. i didnt think it could hurt me as much anymore now that im grown. now that ive been independent for so long but

who doesnt want at least one parent that chooses them right?

i went into debt for that bitch
it was draining being her therapist and honestly in some ways, her mom. i could never ask her for advice. she always told me that life is a hell and people arent worth it and happiness is a lie blablabla

im the opposite

but do you know how exhausting and draining that is? i wouldnt even have the energy to talk to my friends and i gave it up for her

just to be tossed aside for someone else AGAIN.

my dad, my friends, my exes, my mom
everyone's the same

i hate it here

fuck you mom go to hell
im home alone now, probably gonna relapse. typing this on my handy dandy towel as we speak. i just wanted to let my thoughts out somewhere before i go ham on myself till im numb enough to just breathe and lay down

 

[iamnotadinosaur:(]

Dude that really sucks I'm so sorry
You deserve better family and you deserve to not have to be so strong in life
I hope that somehow someday things will work out for you

 

[Manfrotto99]

We all want our parents to love us - but the reality is many don't. My parents pretended to love and want me but they was only so long as I pleased them and did what they wanted. They really just wanted someone they could control. At least with your mum you know what she is like now, your better than she is and it sounds like she does not deserve you., so don't believe that your not good enough when the reality is she wasn't and isn't good enough to have you!

 

[iwillsucceed]

Your mom seems like a really traumatized wounded soul. But to expect your child to "parent" you and counsel you when it should be the other way around, is ofc too much for you. I have a friend that had a similar experience and she cut out her mom in her 20s once she started her own career and path. I deleted the words "financial independence" because her mom was never able to provide for her daughter except keep her from dying. She left because it was overwhelming.
and your Dad is even more toxic I guess.

As for what she said about "same mistake of having..." could be interpreted many ways, but I feel that when you look back later, you'll understand the meaning more clearly. I'm not sure what she meant either here, but I sense her regretting not being able to be a good parent for a child she had, rather than regretting having you. I don't think any parent regrets having the child, but given I've never been a parent of a human baby myself, I'm only empathizing from a pet parent's perspective.

I myself left my single dad after he abused his wives, had 3 divorces and 2 marriagss with the same woman, and sadistically physically tortured me all my childhood. It was the single best move I've made despite all the homelessness and financial issues I've had for yrs before finding my ground.

I'm sorry you have no one in your life trustworthy or genuinely caring. I've been there. It's hell. I hope you meet somebody anybody that eases this agony.