Venting My mom found me taking HRT meds

[Scacie]

She found me preparing half a pill to be taken outside, as I wanted to spend the afternoon with a close friend of mine. I had to bring her something, and its probably the last time I will meet f2f before I CTB.
But anyways, she freaked out, begged me not to take the medications, and followed me downstairs like a semi lunatic.
Its just, fuck How do I tell her that this is the only thing that kept me semi sane in my darkest days? I just want to shout about how I would have jumped off the house balcony a long time ago if not for these meds. Fuck.
I'm not sure if she found my stash, I really really hope not. I hid them in a locked box, stored in secret somewhere. A part of me don't want to go back, and check if they had been seized...schrodinger's meds?
I don't know if I can maintain my sanity if they had been found. I'm CTBing regardless when the chemicals arrive, but oh my gosh I just want my final weeks in this cruel place to even be somewhat peaceful, and yet even I give up, this cruel world still throws me a curveball, just to make sure I'm staying down. I don't even recognize the 'person' I see in the mirror, never did. I just want even a single feature to call mine when i look at the face in the mirror.
I can't wait for my SN to arrive. I can't wait to get out of this prison, I want to be free, I want to be at peace

 

[CandyK__]

I don't think your prison is life, it seems to me that your prison are people who do not recognize who you are, but rather focus on things that are artificial, as assigned sex at birth. But you do you. I'm just suggesting that you're not escaping what really bothers you.

 

[Scacie]

Sadly I don't have the means to, not for a long time. The path is too long and winded, I'm just, I dont know.. too tired?
Also my problems go way beyond just being trans. Yes, it is a big part of me, but I'm also plagued by various mental illnesses brought about by my upbringing. Many are chronic, I don't think I want to carry on.

 

[body_snatcher]

I'm so sorry, transphobia is truly disgusting and they never think about the very real people they are destroying by acting this way. Trapped in their own self aggrandizing delusions. So sick. You deserve some peace and happiness.

 

[Scacie]

Thank you everyone for the support. I mean it, truly.
I should update, that I came back and she gave me a long lecture about illegal medication, she threatened to call the cops, and wanted to know why I opened a PO box months ago. (To receive HRT and SN)
I'm not telling them of course, and I'm fairly sure she was bluffing about calling the cops, since she did not inform my father. I don't want to think of the consequences if she does though, but it won't be pretty. I just need the PO box until my SN arrives, then I'm free.
She didn't find my main stash of medications, I hid them pretty well.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

im sorry your mom is so unsupportive of you. transphobic parents suck. threatening to call the cops on you is beyond fucked up. im glad you still have your hrt, and i hope she never finds it. best of luck to you

 

[shinohara]

hate how parents think they have a say in your decisions, like they own you or something just because they happened to push you out. I relate to your struggle, I also do HRT and can't imagine having to deal with that stress daily
I hope things go smoothly for you

 

[thelookingontheway]

It is really horrible to get your own things found out and criticized, i feel the same with you many times. And my mom is too pathetic to realize how irresponsible and non-supportive it really is. I'm sorry for your experience. I hope you good. We all deserve the real free.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel and there really does seem to be no peace from suffering here. It's just so awful how other people just make things worse and cause more problems, there could never be anything fair about this but anyway I wish you the best.