brain has been getting more and more unstable with every day. i'm burning out of doing the things i love. it really feels like i'm dying, my mind keeping me stuck effectively bedridden for hours at a time scrolling on my phone to try and keep myself going any way i can. i try to talk to my friends and i get this feeling of wondering if it's even worth burdening them with my conversations if i'm just going to die anyway. i can try to play games but it's just a band aid solution, it doesn't fix the core problem. i can keep up the facade that i'm cheery and crack jokes which i think honestly helps — fake it til you make it or whatever — but i need to make it all stop at some point.
so. i feel like i'm probably going to ctb sooner than later. kinda made my mental plan, but now all i need is to go look for a source for sn or work up the courage for either firearm or hanging as a backup. i'm not necessarily asking for sources yet (though i mean i wouldn't be opposed either ;3) since i still have one more thing i want to try doing before i'm fully ready, but… damn. it's scary to truly admit to myself and accept that i'm going to die and probably soon. this feeling is fucking terrifying… but also strangely i'm feeling more peaceful as i feel it approach? it's a weird feeling for sure. i have felt it before when i went to OD but not to this extent. it feels like the eye of the storm. everything is not going to be okay, but at least there will be peace.
i'm still stuck on a few logistical things though like if i should signal to my music followers that i'm not going to be posting anymore / that i'm gone or if i should just (literally
) ghost them. that and also how i should go about scheduling messages to online friends, but i think i can sort that out myself. i also have some anti emetics i took from my mom a while back when i was horribly ill and vomiting profusely, but im not sure if i feel comfortable using those because i can't even imagine the guilt of knowing you unintentionally contributed to your kids ctb and want to spare as much trauma as i can.
any thoughts?
so. i feel like i'm probably going to ctb sooner than later. kinda made my mental plan, but now all i need is to go look for a source for sn or work up the courage for either firearm or hanging as a backup. i'm not necessarily asking for sources yet (though i mean i wouldn't be opposed either ;3) since i still have one more thing i want to try doing before i'm fully ready, but… damn. it's scary to truly admit to myself and accept that i'm going to die and probably soon. this feeling is fucking terrifying… but also strangely i'm feeling more peaceful as i feel it approach? it's a weird feeling for sure. i have felt it before when i went to OD but not to this extent. it feels like the eye of the storm. everything is not going to be okay, but at least there will be peace.
i'm still stuck on a few logistical things though like if i should signal to my music followers that i'm not going to be posting anymore / that i'm gone or if i should just (literally
) ghost them. that and also how i should go about scheduling messages to online friends, but i think i can sort that out myself. i also have some anti emetics i took from my mom a while back when i was horribly ill and vomiting profusely, but im not sure if i feel comfortable using those because i can't even imagine the guilt of knowing you unintentionally contributed to your kids ctb and want to spare as much trauma as i can.any thoughts?
