I can't seem to get better. I just feel so stuck in the pain and sadness. I can't tell if I'm depressed or if I am just forcing myself to stay this way. I say that I'm trying to change but am I really? I give up so easily. I have no ability to persevere anymore. Everything feels like an uphill battle. I'm scared to tell my therapist about how I've quit another job. She'd be so disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like such a failure. Nothing will ever get better because I'm standing in my own way all the time. I don't know what to do. I want to recover but I don't think I'll ever be able to. I just hate this life and I want to disappear.
In my experience a lot of us, especially those of us prone to depression, are our worst critics.
I have very critical parents, so I always expect anger when I disappoint people. But I remember these times where I'd have problems at school. And there was this sort of ombudsperson that I had contact with. And I'd send her mails sometimes when something didn't work out or whatever. When I felt I'd screwed up again. And every time I'd send those mails I'd be worried that she'd react angirly or get tired of my shit or stuff like that. But that never happened. Every time she reacted with empathy and helping me.
Often we feel far more disappointed about ourselves and are far more critical about ourselves than other people ever are. If I were thinking what you're thinking right now, I'd probably put myself down and be angry at myself. But as another person reading what you wrote I just feel sad that you have to go through this. And it's sad that you're being so hard on yourself when you are DOING things. They're not always working out, it's true. But you're DOING things. You're TRYING. And that is more than a lot of people with depression can even manage.
And don't forget, when you've got big mental health concerns or depression, that is something you are always carrying with you. It's like some people are climbing a mountain, but you're climbing a mountain with 100 pounds of weight on your back and a broken leg. You're always carrying that heaviness with you and having to fight it. That costs a lot of energy and a lot of time.
I get that you're disappointed in yourself and maybe that's okay. But maybe you should focus on the fact that you are trying despite such heaviness on your back. And that makes you stronger than you think.
I can't predict the future; But sometimes these things require a lot of time and a lot of failure to get to "better." And that's ok too.
