Venting My mama deserves a way better child

[cupcakesandmilk]

I don't know where to begin this; I don't wanna break my mum's heart; I know she wouldn't be able to handle it if I were gone; heck, she even teared up when I talked to her about moving out yesterday. Really, I should've no buisness being here, yet here I'm wallowing in my misrey, cutting myself, trying to lose weight, forcing myself to hate my peers just to get my stuff done, and trying to bail out of this life that I'm not interested in the slightest in a world I so really hate.

I really don't understand why my brain works the way it does. I guess being on the internet since the young age of 7 irreversibly fucked up my brain if I wasn't already wired that way...

I wish I was anyone but me. My mum deserves a way better child—someone who isn't so screwed up in their head and someone who can actually make her proud. I really don't deserve all this love that I get. Oh, how I wish that imaginary button was real...

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think you deserve all the love your mum is giving to you. This is really a tough situation. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I understand you completely. It's something I can't get out of my head. One reason that prevents me from CTB is my mother.

She has always loved me more than my siblings, as they are somewhat distant with her. I could say that my mother has always loved me more than anyone else because she says I resemble her mother (my grandmother), who passed away precisely a year before I was born. My mother often tells me that I resemble my grandmother because to her, my grandmother was very important in her life, and she even confessed to me that thanks to my grandmother, she didn't want to SH.

My mother always trusts me and praises me more than my siblings, but I really feel like I don't deserve to be loved.
Sometimes I hate being in the situation I'm in; currently, it seems like I disappoint my mother because I simply can't move forward. It hurts me to think about what would happen if I left this world because all that goes through my head is her. Sometimes I get so desperate that I feel like crying. I feel like I'm not capable of improving my life no matter how hard I try. I hate being neurodivergent. I have to endure my anxiety attacks, my attention problems, and my inability to adapt to society.

Why did I have to exist? To make my mother feel much worse than she was after my grandmother passed away?

I hate the human mind; it just makes us feel pain all the time.

 

[Lucid.44]

I find it hard to kill myself too because i dont want to destroy my mom. She deserves someone better. She deserves a better life

 

[Final_Choice]

I feel the same way about my mom. My mom is the only thing holding me back, I'll only do it when I can guarantee that it looks like an accident, or as much as possible at least. I should have died at birth like I was supposed to, it would have been better that way.