Venting my main reason for wanting to ctb

[heroine]

I want to live. I want a fun, enjoyable life full of memories I spend with friend groups and always have something nice to look back on when I'm sad. memories full of love and fun. a stable support system and friends to hang out with whenever. who truly love me. people who I'm the #1 of. people who arent fake, won't switch up, don't hurt me.

but I cannot have that. ever since I was born, it's missed opportunity after missed opportunity, wasted potential after wasted potential, something i thought was going well wasn't at all, NOTHING I get excited for happens. ever. everyone hurts me, betrays me, or just has me as a backup option. just a dumb boring life where I do nothing. nobody talks to me or hangs out with me. I'm always the one watching others have fun together. the last time I felt I belonged in a community it got all fucked up extremely quick. that was four years ago.

I try so hard to fix this. but it always backfires on me. I love the world so much. I love going out and seeing things. I compliment random people I see. I love ice cream. I have dreams and aspirations and things I love. I love my city. I love the state I live in. so many fun things to do, so much to see, but nobody to do it with! I can't enjoy things by myself, ever. every time I go out I see happy friend groups, I've never, ever had something like that. I just want to be the one with the friend group everyone is jealous of for once. I want people to be jealous of me, because I'm always the jealous one. it's not fucking fair. I try so, so, so hard to make friends. I get looked at with disgust because I'm autistic snd nobody wants to fucking talk to me. I even stoop to thinking things like "oh at least I'm not xyz person who got kidnapped and missed out on way more things than me! at least I'm not someone who's NEVER been able to celebrate their birthday! at least I'm not this or that situation worse than mine" but it only numbs the ache such a small percent now. it used to do a good job.

I always used to believe that, I have to go through hell if I want to reach heaven. but it's been too long. far far too long for me to keep pushing on and believing that. I feel like I'm going to ctb very soon. not a permanent solution to a temporary problem if I can't ever get back these boring years of my life full of missed opportunities and wasted potential! never ever ever. ever.

 

[ipmanwc0]

Hey I've experienced this too, have you tried making friends with just autistic people? I think neurotypical just reject ppl with autism

 

[heroine]

Hey I've experienced this too, have you tried making friends with just autistic people? I think neurotypical just reject ppl with autism

I have. doesn't work out much too. I don't even feel accepted around other autistic people. I've never not felt alienated. thanks for replying

I have. doesn't work out much too. I don't even feel accepted around other autistic people. I've never not felt alienated. thanks for replying

things like this happen to me so much and I've been abandoned so much that I truly believe the only way I could possibly feel 100% stable in a relationship would be if I were to literally kidnap the person, tie them tightly to a chair but never hurt them and just take gentle care of them forever and give them all my love that has nowhere to go. I would brush their hair and cook their favorite foods. they'd be tied to a comfortable chair. I would let them out to shower or use the bathroom. I would bring them a TV with a game console, books, and comfortable blankets. I would fall asleep on their lap.



of course, I'm not ever going to literally commit a crime, I could never even reasonably pull this off. but my life has been so awful I truly believe this would be the only way.

 

[ipmanwc0]

Ik how you feel loneliness ruined a lot of my life. What do you think pushes people away?

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I feel the post a lot, most of my life I've felt like I was behind a one way mirror, I could see everyone yet no one could see me, like I was some kind of alien they wouldn't even want to comprehend.. I could observe all they did and hope they'd notice me yet no matter how much I tried I js wasn't seen
I also relate to the feeling of having to kidnap someone to be loved, I would often have fantasies of taking someone I'm interested in and lock them in a room, tied up, feed them care for them, make their bed, hug them, even if they could never hug me back at least I'd know they can't leave.. But people will leave, that's a sad reality of life, things change and people leave or stuff happens and they drift away, I wish it wasn't so very often
I hope it can bring you some comfort to know uu arent alone in this world with those struggles, I'm sure you're a lovely kind hearted person, this place is just too ruined to care for it..
I hope whatever you end up choosing in the end, that you can find relief and peace

 

[heroine]

Ik how you feel loneliness ruined a lot of my life. What do you think pushes people away?

thank you. if I knew I would've fixed it a long time ago

I feel the post a lot, most of my life I've felt like I was behind a one way mirror, I could see everyone yet no one could see me, like I was some kind of alien they wouldn't even want to comprehend.. I could observe all they did and hope they'd notice me yet no matter how much I tried I js wasn't seen
I also relate to the feeling of having to kidnap someone to be loved, I would often have fantasies of taking someone I'm interested in and lock them in a room, tied up, feed them care for them, make their bed, hug them, even if they could never hug me back at least I'd know they can't leave.. But people will leave, that's a sad reality of life, things change and people leave or stuff happens and they drift away, I wish it wasn't so very often
I hope it can bring you some comfort to know uu arent alone in this world with those struggles, I'm sure you're a lovely kind hearted person, this place is just too ruined to care for it..
I hope whatever you end up choosing in the end, that you can find relief and peace

thank you for your reply ♡ it helps a little knowing I'm not alone. I hope we can both somehow find happiness

 

[ipmanwc0]

I think you should continue trying to meet autistic people, also what context are you meeting them in? I don't know if this applies to you but I think I'm victim to self fulfilling prophecies and confirmation bias because I'm so used to being rejected. Where I'll see rejection/lack of acceptance even if there isn't necessarily and I'll pull away from them. It's definitely hard to escape being lonely once you already are, because you'll naturally act desperate and push people away not mentioning the above factors. I haven't figured it out myself either.