My life isn’t worth struggling for, idc if I die

[thankyou]

I don't horribly hate life but I don't love it either. Im mentally disabled / autistic / with pmdd and have to rely on other people to live. It sucks. I can only max out my independence so much alone. Sustaining It causes too much stress for my disabilities. I'd love to pursue hobbies, a career, and more loving relationships, but it's so out of reach.

I know humans are communal and we need other humans to live, but I have no support or family. So it falls on my love life. My current partner is taking care of me but I'm falling out of love with them now, but losing them means risking homelessness. I have the ability to work, but face a ton of difficulties due to my disabilities, so it's never stable.

It sucks. Like… there's just not a leg room here for the things that make me happy? I know what makes me happy, but pursuing them is so / has always been…. so out of reach, for reasons completely outside of my control. I love self-improvement and developing my skills, but I do so alone with no real support. All I ask is for loving friends, energy/time to pursue my hobbies, with a stable job. With enough stability for a small place for myself, and my cat. I've learned enough high value skills to live a better life for myself but due to autism / pmdd there are few situations where I can actually apply them. I genuinely enjoy the small things like walks on sunny days but can you truly stay alive for those small things… and nothing else? "I'm homeless but at least it's a nice sunny day?" — said nobody ever.

Like.. the anhedonia in me is real bad. Nothing is worth anything anymore. Why stay alive. I've recently had a major health scare and if my health has gone down hill (it has before) I would not fight to stay alive. I do not care. I cannot be bothered to struggle for the "life" I live.

The SN I keep is relieving to me.
Im so glad I have it, finally
Even if it does nothing
But sit in my closet
I'll always keep a fresh stash
In closet ready for when I check out.

 

[Viranamari]

It's true that life can often be so undesirable at times so I understand why you'd want to consider death. To me, life often brings about struggles and hardships for no particular reason. Life is unfair which is why some people have an advantage or disadvantage over others and it can be very frustrating. Anyways, as cruel as life is, I hope things get better.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a tiring situation to be trapped in, and I understand why you would feel relieved that you have the SN, at least to me none of the suffering that this life brings could never be worth it, and of course life really is so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[leavingsoon99]

It can be tiring to keep trying to hang on to a life that isn't worth much. I'm so sorry you're going through this, as I sympathize with you so much. The more I looked for reasons to live, the less reasons I actually found. I hope you find clarity and peace going forward... whatever you decide.