Ethernatuskoi
Life is a very bad joke
- Oct 24, 2023
- 105
Hi, I'm not very good at presentations so I think I'll skip that part, but in short, my life is becoming increasingly empty and meaningless and I'm thinking about CTB later this year.
After I finished high school, I felt a great relief knowing that I would be away from my classmates because I was already tormented a lot and was the target of jokes and bullying constantly, that is, no one there took me seriously, but luckily I managed bear this situation because I had a small group of friends who could understand me and who also went through the same problems, but didn't care much. I was never able to properly enjoy my school life and I had few friends. I was never able to socialize properly, I was quiet and reclusive and this was the perfect combo for bullying, which I suffered for a long time. And thanks to this bullying I suffered, I started to develop self-destructive thoughts, anxiety and eventually depression.
Thanks to anxiety, I feel completely unable to find a stable job and earn money, and that would be a shame for both me and my family who have always done everything for me. I would like to be able to give back one day and give a better life to my family, especially to my mother who has always been by my side, but I don't think I will be able to do any of that and I will have to abandon all my dreams and expectations. I would like to work as a designer and illustrator, but I'm so useless that I can't even do anything decent compared to other artists out there, and I don't have the ability to do anything else even if I wanted to because anxiety won't let me. I never got to talk openly about how I really felt to other people because I didn't want to fill them with my problems, which is why my family never knew about my depression. My real-life friends are suspicious, but one of them is "pro-life" and says that CTB is an unjustifiable act and with all due respect, I want you to fuck off. They say that CTB is a selfish act, but it is also selfish and torturous to keep alive a person who is in constant pain with themselves and the world around them. CTB is not a selfish act but an escape route for those who are in constant pain, and I feel comfortable knowing that when everything is going wrong I can CTB and sleep forever in nonexistence, just like before when we were not born, but this act can unfortunately have consequences on the lives of others around and other people can be unfortunately affected, and I would not want my family to feel affected by my death, especially my mother. But it's like they say, every act has a consequence, and this time it won't be any different, even though I wish it were.
Anyway, I'm living with a lot of frustrations inside me and CTB would be the easiest way to get rid of them. Even if I wanted to undergo treatment, it certainly wouldn't help because my mind only thinks about CTB and life is becoming more and more colorless, and the only things that can still entertain me a little are the stories I create with my friends on the internet, RPG's, drawings (which aren't the best), watching series, anime, etc... All these things still manage to entertain me, at least for now...
My mind is in a great duality and I don't know what I should do. I've been thinking about CTB this year, but a part of me wants to live, but with all the bad thoughts and frustrations, living would be very difficult...
I don't know what I should do, but I hope to find an answer soon. And I would like to thank you for this site existing to welcome other people like me. I feel comfortable here and I know I can vent without being harshly criticized by others saying that I am selfish for thinking about CTB.
After I finished high school, I felt a great relief knowing that I would be away from my classmates because I was already tormented a lot and was the target of jokes and bullying constantly, that is, no one there took me seriously, but luckily I managed bear this situation because I had a small group of friends who could understand me and who also went through the same problems, but didn't care much. I was never able to properly enjoy my school life and I had few friends. I was never able to socialize properly, I was quiet and reclusive and this was the perfect combo for bullying, which I suffered for a long time. And thanks to this bullying I suffered, I started to develop self-destructive thoughts, anxiety and eventually depression.
Thanks to anxiety, I feel completely unable to find a stable job and earn money, and that would be a shame for both me and my family who have always done everything for me. I would like to be able to give back one day and give a better life to my family, especially to my mother who has always been by my side, but I don't think I will be able to do any of that and I will have to abandon all my dreams and expectations. I would like to work as a designer and illustrator, but I'm so useless that I can't even do anything decent compared to other artists out there, and I don't have the ability to do anything else even if I wanted to because anxiety won't let me. I never got to talk openly about how I really felt to other people because I didn't want to fill them with my problems, which is why my family never knew about my depression. My real-life friends are suspicious, but one of them is "pro-life" and says that CTB is an unjustifiable act and with all due respect, I want you to fuck off. They say that CTB is a selfish act, but it is also selfish and torturous to keep alive a person who is in constant pain with themselves and the world around them. CTB is not a selfish act but an escape route for those who are in constant pain, and I feel comfortable knowing that when everything is going wrong I can CTB and sleep forever in nonexistence, just like before when we were not born, but this act can unfortunately have consequences on the lives of others around and other people can be unfortunately affected, and I would not want my family to feel affected by my death, especially my mother. But it's like they say, every act has a consequence, and this time it won't be any different, even though I wish it were.
Anyway, I'm living with a lot of frustrations inside me and CTB would be the easiest way to get rid of them. Even if I wanted to undergo treatment, it certainly wouldn't help because my mind only thinks about CTB and life is becoming more and more colorless, and the only things that can still entertain me a little are the stories I create with my friends on the internet, RPG's, drawings (which aren't the best), watching series, anime, etc... All these things still manage to entertain me, at least for now...
My mind is in a great duality and I don't know what I should do. I've been thinking about CTB this year, but a part of me wants to live, but with all the bad thoughts and frustrations, living would be very difficult...
I don't know what I should do, but I hope to find an answer soon. And I would like to thank you for this site existing to welcome other people like me. I feel comfortable here and I know I can vent without being harshly criticized by others saying that I am selfish for thinking about CTB.
