SchizoPolyGymnast
Paragon
- May 28, 2024
- 930
My life has really sucked lately. I got kicked out of my home. I lived in my car with four cats, which led to me being harassed by police and animal control. I had my finances ruined, got repeatedly bullied by a coworker, had to make major car repairs, and had pneumonia for a month. It was during this period that I actually discovered this site.
Then things rapidly turned around for me. I found a new place to live, near the lake and the mountains, with all my cats. I got my dream job and a raise at my current job. I was asked to host a national event for one of my favorite nonprofits. I'm seeing my friends and family, engaging in hobbies, and I have no reason whatsoever to complain.
So why am I complaining?
There's a certain safely in being the failure I always thought I was. I could skate by in menial jobs, veg out in front of the TV and engage with my voices all day. Easy. No pressure. But people are starting to notice that I'm capable of shit and I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm afraid that I conned my way into these opportunities and it's only a matter of time before I screw them up.
I also believed for years that I was destined to die an early death. And that's how I lived. I had fun and loved my family and friends because I didn't count on surviving for long. First it was 17. Then it was 21. Then it was 25. And so on. Well, I'm about to be 35 and I'm coming to the realization that, so far, I'm projected to live a long life. I now have to think about things like career, family, retirement, etc whereas previously the only future planning I did was for my funeral.
Lastly I'm having new health concerns that could be minor...or possibly something serious. Part of my "live for today" mindset was engaging in self neglect and now I'm concerned I'm paying the price. I'm seeing a doctor soon but right now all I can do is wait.
It's all messing with me.
Then things rapidly turned around for me. I found a new place to live, near the lake and the mountains, with all my cats. I got my dream job and a raise at my current job. I was asked to host a national event for one of my favorite nonprofits. I'm seeing my friends and family, engaging in hobbies, and I have no reason whatsoever to complain.
So why am I complaining?
There's a certain safely in being the failure I always thought I was. I could skate by in menial jobs, veg out in front of the TV and engage with my voices all day. Easy. No pressure. But people are starting to notice that I'm capable of shit and I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm afraid that I conned my way into these opportunities and it's only a matter of time before I screw them up.
I also believed for years that I was destined to die an early death. And that's how I lived. I had fun and loved my family and friends because I didn't count on surviving for long. First it was 17. Then it was 21. Then it was 25. And so on. Well, I'm about to be 35 and I'm coming to the realization that, so far, I'm projected to live a long life. I now have to think about things like career, family, retirement, etc whereas previously the only future planning I did was for my funeral.
Lastly I'm having new health concerns that could be minor...or possibly something serious. Part of my "live for today" mindset was engaging in self neglect and now I'm concerned I'm paying the price. I'm seeing a doctor soon but right now all I can do is wait.
It's all messing with me.
