Ever since age 11/12ish I was a little oddball who wanted to dance with death. To no one's surprise, every single person I knew told me the trite old cliché that life was going to get better. Of course, a developmentally stagnant child who is neglected, abused, and bullied will most certainly turn out okay!
Each year that passed brought along with it more misfortune. I couldn't understand, because I'd been fed the lie that hope was on it's way- I just had to keep trying. I wasn't diagnosed with autism until later in my teenage years, so I was forced to struggle for ages without even the slightest clue as to what was wrong with me and why the other children ostracised me so much.
I didn't give up, but in hindsight I wish I would have when the first thoughts of ctb crept into my head. I went from a "gifted genius" to the kid that teachers rolled their eyes at, because my memory and attention span were so poor
I'd constantly forget the deadlines for homework and assignments, which resulted in me repeatedly getting yelled at by the faculty at my school.
I had to deal with being molested during my first month of high school as well as the fallout that festered the fact. No one ever let me live it down, and I was always treated like a lying whore after that. People saw me differently.
The most striking example of this was how certain teachers held a grudge against me for besmirching one of their favorite students (I grew up in a small religious town/village so everybody knows each other.) Despite being shut up in my home and not enrolled in school for 2 years following the molestation case, the discrimination continued when I returned.
I had endured bullying for my entire school life thus far due to my weird interests, speech impediments, lack of eye contact, dyspraxia that prevented me from participating in athletics, odd gait, and strange mannerisms that came about from stimming. It only got worse after the incident.
One of my only friends was barred from doing anything with me, in her mother's words, because I had been abused in the home as a child. People would turn their heads at me and whisper in hushed voices, parents would usher their children away from me.
Teachers would either give me pitiful looks, ignore me/pretend they didn't know about my situation, compare me to my foster sister, or scold me constantly for making small mistakes in my schoolwork.
Combine all this with the fact that NO ONE in my area knew what autism was, much less how to educate children with developmental disabilities, and you had a recipe for disaster.
I truly tried my best in school and signed up for every advanced class there was, but no one gave me the nurture I needed to grow and succeed. No one believed in me. I'd come home in tears some days at the nasty comments teachers would write on my papers after I fell ill with chronic fatigue syndrome in my final year.
My father's parents would go back and forth between telling me I was so brilliant (and just needed to apply myself) and wagging their fingers in my face to assert that I was a "lazy good for nothing brat." They only reinforced the insults I had to hear at school. Even the head/principal told me that he would not allow me to take a class in my intended degree subject, because I was incapable of learning the subject matter and they weren't going to make special exceptions for someone like me.
When I ran away from my foster home and subsequently became ill, my school gave me 0 support. All I received was chastising for being so lazy and having poor attendance, when I was a 17 year old sleeping on a couch belonging to someone I'd met on the internet only a month prior to this mess.
On top of this, I had to work after school nearly every day in fast food, being yelled at by customers and called a retard by my coworkers. Everyone assured me that hard work would pay off, but it felt more like the opposite-the harder I worked, the more people would assert my inadequacy, then take advantage of me and force me to do their tasks for them, promptly throwing me under the bus when I didn't do whatever they demanded.
I worked my ass off and still didn't achieve a fraction of what my peers did- most of whom rarely ever had to study and had their parents chauffeuring them to school everyday and supporting them, mind you. I was forced to choose a university I hated, as my lack of stellar, standout achievements/extracurricular activities and lower 'class rank' left me with fewer options at my disposal.
I had to drop out of university because I didn't have sufficient preparation for the material, my physical illnesses were devastating me, I received no support whatsoever from staff, and would have lost all funding if I allowed my grades to slip.
During the period when I knew I would have to leave and apply to another university, I busted my ass studying for exams, crossing my fingers that my efforts would manage to turn my situation around in spite of the diseases causing me immense physical suffering everyday.
I got into one of the top universities in the world and had to turn my offer down because my illnesses would not have allowed me to thrive there. To this day I still have people telling me what a fool and an idiot I am for declining the opportunity to go to an Ivy League institution. They will never understand the stress and pressure I was under to function, regardless of the strain resulting from my disabilities.
My partner essentially said he didn't want to be with me if I could not finish a degree, so that's why I was forced to keep applying to universities. I knew I had very few options, and with my cognitive abilities slipping further and further, I had to keep going before I reached a point of no return. So I enrolled in another degree programme.
Despite trying over 20 treatments, absolutely nothing has helped my CFS, IBS, chronic pain, or ptsd. It is nearly impossible for me to do my coursework in the state I am in, yet I have to sacrifice everything else to pass. My classmates get higher marks than me with about half as much effort. I can never compare.
I will never achieve anything substantial in life, as I am unable to work full time. I attempted full time work and internships in the past, only to quickly crash and burn. I can't get disability benefits either. My life is fading before my eyes, unable to keep up with the constant motion that existence requires.
Being at my internship humbled me to my glaring limitations. I was unable to fulfill the duties required for the position, yet somehow I managed not to get sacked. Everyday I'd have to go home early, as I'd start falling asleep at my desk, succumbing to incompetence once more.
Aside from the practical aspects of life (having a career and professional aspirations) I am woefully behind socially as well. It feels like everyone around me carries around a treasure trove of meaningful and valuable memories, while I'm lugging around a past I wish I wasn't cognizant of.
Other people have loving families, a multitude of school friends, professional acquaintances, talents and skills that have been curated over time, aptitudes, safety nets, and fortitude allowing them to adapt to varieties of situations.
I have none of that. I'm socially stunted and no one is coming to help me. Autistic, disabled, abused adults are essentially left for dead. I don't fit in with my cohort at all, I barely have any friends, I fundamentally don't connect with anyone my age, as my experiences are so vastly different from the norm.
Tortured souls like me are just news articles and storybook characters in the minds of our peers who developed normally.
