Venting my life is a joke

[ctbcat]

every time, for the past month, that i've experienced a hardship, it... rather than the wallowing that used to be there, i get inexplicably raged now. i'm so much more full of hate these days; scorn... i am full of love too. i am a kind person, or whatever. i'm mostly only saying that part to shut up the voice in my head that fears misinterpretation though , as if it matters.

anyway, i get so angry, and i just think... FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. I WAS MEANT TO BE DEAD TWO WEEKS AGO AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW... it's not like i wanted them to, but... if there were any time to be easy on me, it would be right around now. BUT NO! nag nag nag, pull me apart some more, see what my intestines look like, enjoy the way they spill onto your carpet.

haha, i just thought of a comparison of myself to those taxidermied deers... all blank eyed and shit. i feel like that. i feel like nothing but a dead trophy on someone's wall

i'm so fucking TIRED. my only solution to anything is to kill myself, and yet I DON'T... no, i stay another day, and another, and another... i get in these deep states of anger and sorrow and yet still i'm illusioned that there's some magical right day that i'll just know on. no. i have to bite. the fucking. bullet.

... hopefully i get the balls to do it this weekend. life has been putting me through the fucking RINGER and i can't take any of it much fucking longer. i can't even tell anyone that. i can't tell anyone anything that isn't coated in syrupy sugar. sunday will be a nice day, which will make me want to kill myself less, but i think i just need to end this fuckhole of a life on a high note, so best case scenario i really hope i go then.

 

[tryingtoquietdown]

I get what you're going through. I experience a lot of the same. Just this overwhelming rage at absolutely everything. And what fucking sucks even more is that you want things to get better - it's not like you want to die for the sake of dying - but CTB is the only solution you can find. Nothing else works well enough to help. It's absolutely exhausting and no one knows about how torturous it is unless they experience it themselves. Most people don't get it. Most people can't get it.

No matter what you decide to do, I hope you're able to feel proud of yourself for every day that you've managed to stay alive. I hope you're proud of yourself for every decision you made (and make) that benefits you and your happiness. When you're in this much pain, you have to fight and claw for every bit of peace you can get, even if other people think you're wrong, immature, selfish, and whatever other bullshit they call severely mentally ill people. You deserve to feel proud of yourself for getting this far. I hope you're able to, and I hope you're able to eventually find your peace.

 

[ctbcat]

No matter what you decide to do, I hope you're able to feel proud of yourself for every day that you've managed to stay alive. I hope you're proud of yourself for every decision you made (and make) that benefits you and your happiness. When you're in this much pain, you have to fight and claw for every bit of peace you can get, even if other people think you're wrong, immature, selfish, and whatever other bullshit they call severely mentally ill people. You deserve to feel proud of yourself for getting this far. I hope you're able to, and I hope you're able to eventually find your peace.

thank you so much for taking the time to write this reply to me, it means a lot.... i hope the same for you, internet stranger. i hope the wind is gentler to you this spring, and the rain showers wash away a furrowed brow.