lovelulu
with stars in my eyes, crying as I wheel.
- Jan 3, 2026
- 236
Like the title says, my life pretty much consists of feeling really high or really low. And when its neither and im just in between, I feel pretty much empty. Because I get more longer depressive episodes rather than highs, usually when im neither, it leads into a depressive episode shortly after, which then lasts for at least a week or 2. All the happiness and confidence and anything remotely good i felt when I was in my high just dissappears, like it was never there in the first place. I mourn it so much. I miss feeling pretty when I was happy. I miss feeling like I was better than anyone else. I miss actually being consistent and productive. When im in a low, I border on almost losing my friends because of how inconsistent I'll be with them. Another thing is that the smallest things ever will send me sobbing in a low. Currently, im in a low right now, or about to beāim not fully sure. But last night, my parents were talking about me, saying that I act like I dont like them sometimes and things of that sort. Of course, this isnt really a big deal, but that sent me into a little spiral. I sobbed in bed and beat my head against the wall for a good 10 minutes before going to sleep. Now when im in a high, im way more prone to irritation and get pissed off easily, but I dont get sent into spirals like that compared to when im in a low. But also again, my mood is very sparattic and I get set off easily depending on the situation. Whether in in a high or low, I do always burst out like that, similar to a split (Im not saying i have bpd, im just comparing it to that. I dont want to self diagnose.) but once again it does depend on the situation. This whole post is kind of a mess and im just kinda ranting, so im sorry about that and im sorry if its difficult to understand. My thoughts are a mess.
