Lonerzepam
O'lord! I Have My Doubts
- Sep 2, 2022
- 620
So I don't know how to write something like this but I have to let some things out before I'm leaving. I think by doing this I'll also be able to accept that it's my time cuz although my whole fucking life is a fucking science expirement and completely not worth it at this point I still have a hard time accepting that which I know the reasons why but still it's so fucking haunting.
I've been on this forum for only just a few days now but I really love all the people here how kind they are to each other and making me realize I'm not alone with my current situation of being so desperate that CTB is the only thing I'm considering to be the only solution to my problems.
As I tell u my story please try not to judge me. Also english isn't my mother tongue so yeah viewers discreation advised or whatever.
So abit about my life. Idk where to start first. I think I'll start when things weren't that fucked up. I might put a fucked up scala to some quotes in this story from 1 - 100 so you guys can understand and relate to my pain and what I went through / still going through a bit more.
So a few basics about me. Im 21/m. I was born in Austria in the year 2000. At 6:18 pm. Here in Europe it's basically 18:18 on the clock cuz another time system u get it. This wouldn't be important in any way but I wanted to mention it cuz my mom always said I was a lucky child being born at that time. 18:18. I'm 21 now and I think I'm the unluckiest dude ever existed on this planet depending on the way you see it from my past but in my current life situation I'm just another very unlucky bastard. Suffering scale 99%
I don't wanna go over my childhood to much so I'll make it quick. I was a quite happy kid, shy, played alot with my friends.
My dad was phisically and verbally abusive. But more verbally but to an extreme point. He always yellwed and shouted at me like I fucking burned down the whole house for no reason at all. Like spilling a glass of water unintentionally or not putting thinks in a right position and order. So I at some point developed extreme ocd. My grandma has it my dad got it and is probly bipolar too and they passed it all over too me.
I got the worst form cuz I got it so early as a kid and was tortured with violent thoughts like killing my loved ones in brutal ways, being a pedophile just really fucked up shit I think everyone with harm ocd here can relate to this.
My father also has a physical handycap called pectus excavatum which can very from very mild to extreme. He has it mild to moderate and didn't needed surgery. Yeah. Being the lucky 18:18 child I ofcourse inherited the worst version of it someone could get which is like a 1 in 10000 chance.
It didn't bother me much when I was a kid but things got progressivly worse as I aged and I was alot bullied because of it in school.
When I was 18 it looked like this.
I had to undergo surgery at some point cuz it completely affected my heart and lungs function. Such a surgery isn't just a walk through the park. It is one of the most painfull surgerys there is. You can watch a video if ur really interested but I really don't want to go into details.
At this time with my OCD and handycap and progressively developing depression and substance abusing problems I thought I was already in hell but I've had no clue how far the rabbit hole could go...
Concerning the substance abuse my grandma was also heavily depressed and addicted to opiods, benzos, alcohol, smoked 2 packs of marlboro a day yeah pretty sure I also inherited a slightly bit of that guess im the "lucky child"
My siblings have no problems regarding all this whatsoever except my sister has depression but cmon who hasn't at this point
If u read this far thank u and I promise the more u read the more fucked up it get's to the point where u just wtf how is this dude still alive
So I reached out for my mom for help and we went to a psychiatrist who prescribed me prozac for my OCD. This was before I had my surgery.
It worked but I also started drinking and smoking cigarettes at some point to cope with my problems at home and in school bullying etc. I didn't took in account that smoking with my handycap was a really bad idea cuz I already lacked oxygen from the condition itself which got 100x times worse when I started smoking but I was an addict and dumbass and just couldn't stop. Because of alcohol abuse, smoking, lack of oxygen my mental conditions also started getting worse and worse.
At some point I developed bipolar disorder cuz I started smoking weed, taking ecstasy, psychedelics, benzos. I was confronted with the darknet when I was very young and didn't really thought of the consequences of drug use and telling people about it.
I made orders for like 1000 XTC or 500g of weed to my parents house and I somehow thought I had a special superpower being able to do all that cuz I was already pretty delusional at that point cuz I'm predisposed to schizophrenia.
Well at some point my parents found out of what i was doing and I moved out at the age of 18 to another city and got a job as a programmer. I still had severe ocd and wanted to try prozac again cuz my brain knew it also helped with my condition at some point. I went to another psychiatrist and he prescriped me Zoloft and Prozac in very high dosages. I asked him if I could also smoke weed while on it and he said yes as long as I don't do coke or anything in addition and I dumbass trusted him.
So I started with the medication and smoked weed like always but I started realizing very weird pseudo hallucinations like visual snow, objects spinng and moving around really weird fucked up shit. I realized i just developed a condition called hppd which is the worst fucking illness in the world I'd rather have cancer for real (no offense for anyone reading this with cancer).
Anyways I tried every medication there was but nothing worked so I got addicted to benzos and heroin & oxys & morphine as they atleast calmed my symptoms for the moment.
I got all the stuff from the DN which also always made me paranoid as fuck and at some point I often had no benzos or heroin left and had to go cold turkey almost dying.
I was in the psychy ward for atleast 10 times cuz of my condition but they always just gave me antipsychotics which made my condition extremely worse but they didn't listen I was just another mental freak in their eyes.
Then at some point a friend of mine asked me if I could order some ketamine for him. I had no clue what ketamine was but I agreed. When it arrived I was curious cuz I never tried it before and thought fuck it my condition can't get much worse. It didn't. Ketamine completely cured my hppd just from 1 line. The condition I suffered 3 years and made me wanna kill myself so often was gone from 1 fucking line. That and also the extreme antidepressive and psychedelic effects of ketamine made me extremely manic. It became my miracle drug and I abused the shit out of it. I was lifing with my gf and we where both addicts and I started doing other drugs again which I hate myself so much for till this day. And eventually my hppd at some point got worse from all the drugs but I still continued doing ket cuz I thought it worked before it can work again. I spent like I think atleast 5k on this drug. Also I started developing extreme bladder damage. Like I was almost pissing blood at some point.
I hated still hate myself so much for it that i ruined the chance of my life. I could have had a normal live again I just had to stay sober not completely I would still be able to do ket and shrooms etc. but the worst was weed. But i dumbass did it anyways cuz it was always there .
So eventually I switched back to heroin but it just helped temporarly. After I took ket the first time and my hppd was completely gone I've sworn myself to never go back to the psych ward again. I was wrong. But anyways I started hanging around with more junkies then ever before and my condition got much much worse everyday to the point where I thougt fuck it it doesnt matter anymore and took everything I could get my hands on had multiple overdoses which made my hppd (which is btw a neurologic illness not mental) 1000x times worse everytime but i couldnt stop anyway and didn't wanna go to the psyche ward again.
Suffering scala 100%
At somepoint my hppd became so bad that It felt like someone was bumping against my head during i make a handstand with a hammer and I became extremely delusional (im also diagnosed paranoid scizophrenic) and I just didn't interpreted the whole world as real anymore which I know now was a protective mechanism of my brain in a fucked up way
I was so fucking desperate that I almost jumped off a bridge, attempted to overdose & drown myself but I just couldn't do it right.
Eventually a doctor put me on a med called lamotrigin which saved my life and without it I wouldn't type this and be here anymore.
Nevertheless it's by far too late know. I knew about this medication for about 3 years and was convinced that it would help me with my condition but for whatever reason no doctor wanted to prescribe it to me cuz they always misdiagnosed me with some other bullshit like drug induced psychosis which no doubt was also true but they never understood my condition was much more then that mainly hppd.
But I got the medication now. The max dosage is 400mg and I'm already on 500 but I have very shitty quality of life. I also take 5mg of ativan a day. Atleast benzos are not a problem for me should I do SN lol.
The only reasons I'm still here is cuz I have a damn strong SI I've seen people killing themselves for far less which doesn't change that they killed themselves but still, my sister, brother, grannie and dog are the only things holding me back from doing it really.
I often thought I was jesus and that I had to suffer like him but now I'm clean and I realize I was just conpletely psychotic all the time.
And that's also why it's so hard to CTB for me despite my condition cuz i still can't accept that I could have had my life back 1 year ago when I cured my illness through a completely random coincidence but at that time I thought it was a sign of god cuz the ket also made me delusional lol.
So I'll try to increase my dosage of lamotrigine and maybe maybe will try to recover from all this shit to some point.
But even if I recover to some degree my life is just not worth it anymore. I lost my complete life to this condition and everything I once enjoyed is gone. I still try to hold on. But I'm just tired of this life and I think it's time to close the book. I know my sister needs me and I'm giving it a few more days/weeks before I ctb but at some point I have to be egoistic and also think about myself and if I wanna continue this existence. And I really don't Tbh.
Holy shit I didn't realize how long this text was until now so if u made it that far thanks for reading my fucked up life story.
I'm 3 Months sober now but a friend of mine has some ket and I'm gonna do some with him tommorow cuz tbh all that suicide shit scares me out af and I'm still having a hard time accepting it for me as a pretty logical good choice.
Thanks for sharing!
Just had to let this out so it is somewhere when I leave in whichever way.
I've been on this forum for only just a few days now but I really love all the people here how kind they are to each other and making me realize I'm not alone with my current situation of being so desperate that CTB is the only thing I'm considering to be the only solution to my problems.
As I tell u my story please try not to judge me. Also english isn't my mother tongue so yeah viewers discreation advised or whatever.
So abit about my life. Idk where to start first. I think I'll start when things weren't that fucked up. I might put a fucked up scala to some quotes in this story from 1 - 100 so you guys can understand and relate to my pain and what I went through / still going through a bit more.
So a few basics about me. Im 21/m. I was born in Austria in the year 2000. At 6:18 pm. Here in Europe it's basically 18:18 on the clock cuz another time system u get it. This wouldn't be important in any way but I wanted to mention it cuz my mom always said I was a lucky child being born at that time. 18:18. I'm 21 now and I think I'm the unluckiest dude ever existed on this planet depending on the way you see it from my past but in my current life situation I'm just another very unlucky bastard. Suffering scale 99%
I don't wanna go over my childhood to much so I'll make it quick. I was a quite happy kid, shy, played alot with my friends.
My dad was phisically and verbally abusive. But more verbally but to an extreme point. He always yellwed and shouted at me like I fucking burned down the whole house for no reason at all. Like spilling a glass of water unintentionally or not putting thinks in a right position and order. So I at some point developed extreme ocd. My grandma has it my dad got it and is probly bipolar too and they passed it all over too me.
I got the worst form cuz I got it so early as a kid and was tortured with violent thoughts like killing my loved ones in brutal ways, being a pedophile just really fucked up shit I think everyone with harm ocd here can relate to this.
My father also has a physical handycap called pectus excavatum which can very from very mild to extreme. He has it mild to moderate and didn't needed surgery. Yeah. Being the lucky 18:18 child I ofcourse inherited the worst version of it someone could get which is like a 1 in 10000 chance.
It didn't bother me much when I was a kid but things got progressivly worse as I aged and I was alot bullied because of it in school.
When I was 18 it looked like this.
I had to undergo surgery at some point cuz it completely affected my heart and lungs function. Such a surgery isn't just a walk through the park. It is one of the most painfull surgerys there is. You can watch a video if ur really interested but I really don't want to go into details.
At this time with my OCD and handycap and progressively developing depression and substance abusing problems I thought I was already in hell but I've had no clue how far the rabbit hole could go...
Concerning the substance abuse my grandma was also heavily depressed and addicted to opiods, benzos, alcohol, smoked 2 packs of marlboro a day yeah pretty sure I also inherited a slightly bit of that guess im the "lucky child"
My siblings have no problems regarding all this whatsoever except my sister has depression but cmon who hasn't at this point
If u read this far thank u and I promise the more u read the more fucked up it get's to the point where u just wtf how is this dude still alive
So I reached out for my mom for help and we went to a psychiatrist who prescribed me prozac for my OCD. This was before I had my surgery.
It worked but I also started drinking and smoking cigarettes at some point to cope with my problems at home and in school bullying etc. I didn't took in account that smoking with my handycap was a really bad idea cuz I already lacked oxygen from the condition itself which got 100x times worse when I started smoking but I was an addict and dumbass and just couldn't stop. Because of alcohol abuse, smoking, lack of oxygen my mental conditions also started getting worse and worse.
At some point I developed bipolar disorder cuz I started smoking weed, taking ecstasy, psychedelics, benzos. I was confronted with the darknet when I was very young and didn't really thought of the consequences of drug use and telling people about it.
I made orders for like 1000 XTC or 500g of weed to my parents house and I somehow thought I had a special superpower being able to do all that cuz I was already pretty delusional at that point cuz I'm predisposed to schizophrenia.
Well at some point my parents found out of what i was doing and I moved out at the age of 18 to another city and got a job as a programmer. I still had severe ocd and wanted to try prozac again cuz my brain knew it also helped with my condition at some point. I went to another psychiatrist and he prescriped me Zoloft and Prozac in very high dosages. I asked him if I could also smoke weed while on it and he said yes as long as I don't do coke or anything in addition and I dumbass trusted him.
So I started with the medication and smoked weed like always but I started realizing very weird pseudo hallucinations like visual snow, objects spinng and moving around really weird fucked up shit. I realized i just developed a condition called hppd which is the worst fucking illness in the world I'd rather have cancer for real (no offense for anyone reading this with cancer).
Anyways I tried every medication there was but nothing worked so I got addicted to benzos and heroin & oxys & morphine as they atleast calmed my symptoms for the moment.
I got all the stuff from the DN which also always made me paranoid as fuck and at some point I often had no benzos or heroin left and had to go cold turkey almost dying.
I was in the psychy ward for atleast 10 times cuz of my condition but they always just gave me antipsychotics which made my condition extremely worse but they didn't listen I was just another mental freak in their eyes.
Then at some point a friend of mine asked me if I could order some ketamine for him. I had no clue what ketamine was but I agreed. When it arrived I was curious cuz I never tried it before and thought fuck it my condition can't get much worse. It didn't. Ketamine completely cured my hppd just from 1 line. The condition I suffered 3 years and made me wanna kill myself so often was gone from 1 fucking line. That and also the extreme antidepressive and psychedelic effects of ketamine made me extremely manic. It became my miracle drug and I abused the shit out of it. I was lifing with my gf and we where both addicts and I started doing other drugs again which I hate myself so much for till this day. And eventually my hppd at some point got worse from all the drugs but I still continued doing ket cuz I thought it worked before it can work again. I spent like I think atleast 5k on this drug. Also I started developing extreme bladder damage. Like I was almost pissing blood at some point.
I hated still hate myself so much for it that i ruined the chance of my life. I could have had a normal live again I just had to stay sober not completely I would still be able to do ket and shrooms etc. but the worst was weed. But i dumbass did it anyways cuz it was always there .
So eventually I switched back to heroin but it just helped temporarly. After I took ket the first time and my hppd was completely gone I've sworn myself to never go back to the psych ward again. I was wrong. But anyways I started hanging around with more junkies then ever before and my condition got much much worse everyday to the point where I thougt fuck it it doesnt matter anymore and took everything I could get my hands on had multiple overdoses which made my hppd (which is btw a neurologic illness not mental) 1000x times worse everytime but i couldnt stop anyway and didn't wanna go to the psyche ward again.
Suffering scala 100%
At somepoint my hppd became so bad that It felt like someone was bumping against my head during i make a handstand with a hammer and I became extremely delusional (im also diagnosed paranoid scizophrenic) and I just didn't interpreted the whole world as real anymore which I know now was a protective mechanism of my brain in a fucked up way
I was so fucking desperate that I almost jumped off a bridge, attempted to overdose & drown myself but I just couldn't do it right.
Eventually a doctor put me on a med called lamotrigin which saved my life and without it I wouldn't type this and be here anymore.
Nevertheless it's by far too late know. I knew about this medication for about 3 years and was convinced that it would help me with my condition but for whatever reason no doctor wanted to prescribe it to me cuz they always misdiagnosed me with some other bullshit like drug induced psychosis which no doubt was also true but they never understood my condition was much more then that mainly hppd.
But I got the medication now. The max dosage is 400mg and I'm already on 500 but I have very shitty quality of life. I also take 5mg of ativan a day. Atleast benzos are not a problem for me should I do SN lol.
The only reasons I'm still here is cuz I have a damn strong SI I've seen people killing themselves for far less which doesn't change that they killed themselves but still, my sister, brother, grannie and dog are the only things holding me back from doing it really.
I often thought I was jesus and that I had to suffer like him but now I'm clean and I realize I was just conpletely psychotic all the time.
And that's also why it's so hard to CTB for me despite my condition cuz i still can't accept that I could have had my life back 1 year ago when I cured my illness through a completely random coincidence but at that time I thought it was a sign of god cuz the ket also made me delusional lol.
So I'll try to increase my dosage of lamotrigine and maybe maybe will try to recover from all this shit to some point.
But even if I recover to some degree my life is just not worth it anymore. I lost my complete life to this condition and everything I once enjoyed is gone. I still try to hold on. But I'm just tired of this life and I think it's time to close the book. I know my sister needs me and I'm giving it a few more days/weeks before I ctb but at some point I have to be egoistic and also think about myself and if I wanna continue this existence. And I really don't Tbh.
Holy shit I didn't realize how long this text was until now so if u made it that far thanks for reading my fucked up life story.
I'm 3 Months sober now but a friend of mine has some ket and I'm gonna do some with him tommorow cuz tbh all that suicide shit scares me out af and I'm still having a hard time accepting it for me as a pretty logical good choice.
Thanks for sharing!
Just had to let this out so it is somewhere when I leave in whichever way.
