My last Thanksgiving

[tiny_dancer]

Today is Thanksgiving where I live and I know it's my last one. I haven't set a date for CTB yet but it will be fairly soon. I have to attend dinner with my family today and I don't know how I will get through it. There's no way I can enjoy it. Watching my family together and knowing it's one of the last times I will see them all, the grief and sadness over what's happened to my life (my reason for ctb), physical pain, having to pretend that I'm ok, etc.. I've been isolating myself lately to prevent these feelings but today it's unavoidable.

Wondering if anyone else ever feels this way, and how do you deal with days like these?

 

[Hope:-)]

It's very hard to endure the day when you know you are going to try to ctb soon. It's like constantly being in two places at once. I'm especially hit with challenging emotions whenever anything social happens...even if it's just being out and about which I almost never am anymore. I don't have any advice as I'm in the same boat. I guess I try to distract myself but it sure is hard to distract yourself from something like this. Sending you a lot of love at this challenging time xxx

 

[universe]

Hello,
I easily understand this feeling. I don't know when exactly I will CTB but I think my end is near. When the CTB becomes concrete, a lot of things change. We are a little disconnected from the reality of people, from society in general. We know it's the end, that we're going to live our last birthday, last Christmas, last Thanksgiving for you, or even that we won't know the Soccer World Cup, the new film / video game / series successful, that we will never see such a place in the world. Inevitably, it does a little something, especially with regard to those around us who continue to project the future with us, because they think that we are going to live for many years. Inside of us, we think no, we will never be here to live because we will already be gone, but we can't say anything. When we take the decision of CTB, that we are unfortunately forced to lie to everyone : to doctors and pharmacists to get the drugs, to lie to friends by saying that everything is fine, to lie to others by saying that next year, we'll do that together. We feel guilty for that, it makes us a little nostalgic, it's really as if we were terminally ill but nobody knew about it.

My guilt arises when my friends tell me about the future, that they want to do that with me in such and such a year. However, they know that I'm going CTB. They act like it's not real. So I manage the thing by telling myself that I have to think of myself. I can't stay for others. I refocus on what led me to think of the CTB.
I wish you peace.

 

[meganblask22]

I spend Christmas with my parents in Panama. It is the only thing I am hanging on for. As soon as I get back to the states my plan will be ready to execute. I need to set a date. This will be my last Thanksgiving (probably spent alone) and my last Christmas so my parents can have a happy memory of me before I am no longer here.

 

[tiny_dancer]

It's very hard to endure the day when you know you are going to try to ctb soon. It's like constantly being in two places at once. I'm especially hit with challenging emotions whenever anything social happens...even if it's just being out and about which I almost never am anymore. I don't have any advice as I'm in the same boat. I guess I try to distract myself but it sure is hard to distract yourself from something like this. Sending you a lot of love at this challenging time xxx

Thank you. I'm sorry you're in the same boat. For sure, distraction is the hardest thing (and usually doesn't work for me) xo

Hello,
I easily understand this feeling. I don't know when exactly I will CTB but I think my end is near. When the CTB becomes concrete, a lot of things change. We are a little disconnected from the reality of people, from society in general. We know it's the end, that we're going to live our last birthday, last Christmas, last Thanksgiving for you, or even that we won't know the Soccer World Cup, the new film / video game / series successful, that we will never see such a place in the world. Inevitably, it does a little something, especially with regard to those around us who continue to project the future with us, because they think that we are going to live for many years. Inside of us, we think no, we will never be here to live because we will already be gone, but we can't say anything. When we take the decision of CTB, that we are unfortunately forced to lie to everyone : to doctors and pharmacists to get the drugs, to lie to friends by saying that everything is fine, to lie to others by saying that next year, we'll do that together. We feel guilty for that, it makes us a little nostalgic, it's really as if we were terminally ill but nobody knew about it.

My guilt arises when my friends tell me about the future, that they want to do that with me in such and such a year. So that they know I'm going CTB. They act like it's not real. So I manage the thing by telling myself that I have to think of myself. I can't stay for others. I refocus on what led me to think of the CTB.
I wish you peace.

Yes, exactly! All the future projection of stuff we won't be a part of, having to lie to everyone, and then feeling guilty for it all. Thanks for the advice, I'll try that.

I spend Christmas with my parents in Panama. It is the only thing I am hanging on for. As soon as I get back to the states my plan will be ready to execute. I need to set a date. This will be my last Thanksgiving (probably spent alone) and my last Christmas so my parents can have a happy memory of me before I am no longer here.

I hope that Christmas will not be too hard on you. It's so difficult when we are hanging on for that one thing.

 

[Ligottian]

Where do you live, if I may ask? I thought Thanksgiving was an exclusively US holiday celebrated in late November.

 

[outrider567]

Today is Thanksgiving where I live and I know it's my last one. I haven't set a date for CTB yet but it will be fairly soon. I have to attend dinner with my family today and I don't know how I will get through it. There's no way I can enjoy it. Watching my family together and knowing it's one of the last times I will see them all, the grief and sadness over what's happened to my life (my reason for ctb), physical pain, having to pretend that I'm ok, etc.. I've been isolating myself lately to prevent these feelings but today it's unavoidable.

Wondering if anyone else ever feels this way, and how do you deal with days like these?

Isolation, that's how I deal with it but that hardly helps enough--Texting my step-mother on days(like today)when my depression is acute is also how I deal with it, she knows grief herself since she buried two husbands

 

[tiny_dancer]

Where do you live, if I may ask? I thought Thanksgiving was an exclusively US holiday celebrated in late November.

Canada