Venting My kidneys are currently failing and I have a bad bacterial infection. I am not seeking medical treatment

[Terminallyill11]

This will just be a short vent and possibly my only post on here. I know this "method"(?) will be slow and most likely very painful for me, but I have no energy nor reason to fight this. I've been sick for a long time now, my health has declined more rapidly these past few months and I'm very ready to leave this world. The bacterial infection started from a cracked tooth, I have dental caries caused by malnutrition. The kidney failure has been caused by AKI that's been left untreated on purpose, the AKI caused by what I can only assume is constant dehydration and electrolyte imbalances due to my long term eating disorder, I've had severe anorexia nervosa for 4 years now. I'm too weak and overall unwell to do much anymore, my mental health has prevented me from making friends, and family is nonexistent to me. I have cats. When I have the energy I visit animal shelters for company. Cats are such peaceful creatures and are only malicious within good reason. Cats don't harm me. I'll miss cats when I CTB, if you can call this that even. Is giving up on your life the same as actively taking it away? I enjoy life for what peaceful beauty it has to offer, spring time is nice, cats are nice, tea is nice. That's about it. Overall though I am often cold, in physical pain, and cannot heal the mental wounds that got me in this condition. My entire life I've had therapy, medications, and many hospitalizations. I spent most of my childhood in psychiatric care facilities. I couldn't be helped. I was and still am in a poisonous environment. It's been in and out of hospitals, whenever they stabilize me I nag them to let me back home, where I become unstable again and inevitably have a medical emergency. I am tired. I don't care for the back and forth. The running around. It's hard for me to stay awake anymore. I rest my eyes a lot. I don't talk. I've forgotten how to socialize really. I stay in bed or hunched over a radiator. It's fine because my cat is with me. I just hope that the pain the abscess is causing me is the worst pain I'll feel during this. I'm used to the heart pains, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, muscle pains and seizures, the passing out, the aches, the constant nausea. I'm used to all that. I cannot imagine the pain getting worse, I cannot imagine death is as scary as people make it seem. I am just ready to leave. There is nothing for me here. I do not leave my house. I do not speak. I feed my cats. I pet my cats. And I will miss them terribly but I just do not have the energy to keep fighting these battles only for new ones to arise. I do not want to die in a hospital. I want to die in bed with my cat near my radiator. I'm a bit rambly, I speak to voids, but I want to leave a small mark and I apologize for not being active. I hope all of you find peace, whether that's after CTB, or whether that's when you find a purpose to stay here. You are all loved by something or someone. I don't know if my situation truly is CTB, but I consider it that since I do have insurance and can easily check myself back into the hospital. However I feel like that is only prolonging my death since doctors have told me I will not get better long term. So really I don't know. But I do know I find my illness to be comforting since now I won't have to take actual action in CTB, instead I can wither away and it can be blamed on complications from illness. I've also never truly been able to try and CTB, I've considered OD with Xanax but I know I'd only most likely just feel more ill than usual, definitely pass out, but definitely wake back up eventually. Not worth the troubles. I have access to firearms but they've always scared me too much. I can't even go near them because of my thoughts and it seems just simply too messy. I don't want to be a mess on the walls afterwards. I don't want my death to be loud or graphic. It sounds silly since I'd be gone but it overwhelms me thinking about the mess. My cats would have to see that. I find that my illness is very convenient and I'm glad it has gotten this bad so early on. I'm counting on either sepsis from the infection or my kidney failure. Perhaps I am just lazy, haha. Thank you if anyone reads this … it's only rambles. I'm new to posting anywheres so I'm sorry if it breaks any rules. It doesn't add much to the site and is only a simple vent but I don't say much anymore, it does make me feel better to vent sometimes, anxious more than anything

 

[sanctionedusage]

when I CTB, if you can call this that even.

it is

i had my worst with anorexia a few years ago when i was in high school, moderate rather than severe, but i agree that it was some of the worst agony i'd ever felt. i've never felt anything like that in my life again. i'm relapsing again now, but responsibly, with harm reduction. i know that doesn't actually change much about the outcome of an eating disorder but i'm hoping it'll postpone the worst symptoms until I ctb too. i hope your condition doesn't get anymore painful, whether you pass or not. i can't imagine the extent to which youve suffered for so long, from ed and otherwise. your cats will forgive you, and hopefully one day in the far future of their long lives, they'll join you too

 

[kouna]

Kinda off topic.

My ex-sister in law almost died from a tooth infection that jumped to her blood stream and then her brain.
We realised how serious it was when she started hallucinating, she was talking with angels and saints.
She was saved at the nick of time by a heavy cocktail of antibiotics. The doctors later admitted they weren't sure if she would make the night and that's why they told us to leave the hospital.

That was 5-6 years ago. She's strong now but will have to take Meds for the rest of her life. She also has 5 children, luckily all are adults now but that wasn't the case 5 years ago.

 

[doomedbynarrative]

It's okay to vent. I'm sorry you've had to go through so much in life even since childhood. I can relate heavily. Being in and out of doctors offices and hospitals since birth took a toll on me that I can never explain well but suffice it to say, I get it.
I wish you peace every step of the way.