Story My Journey

[Danby]

Hello . . . new member (though I've been lurking for a while). I am in my mid-fifties, autistic, and suffering from depression for many years now. I've gone through a whole string of therapists and a psychiatrist without much success. I'm also on various happy pills prescribed by my GP and said psychiatrist, but they don't seem to help much either. I've only been suicidal for a year or so, due primarily to financial issues; now my wife of nearly thirty years is divorcing me, which hasn't helped matters at all. If I had a gun I'd have ctbed by now, but as I live in California guns are hard to get. I feel alone, sad, unloved, unlovable. Nothing seems to make me happy anymore, not even my hobbies, which used to bring me joy; now they seem like work. I sit in my mancave/dungeon under the house and wallow mostly (and also try to work--I work from home).

I do have a plan to ctb; I tried to hang myself without success, then tried the night-night method but that didn't work either (I think the bags were too small--I got out some socks to try it with but haven't gotten the nerve/hit rock bottom yet). I also looked into the inert gas method with nitrogen; I have the exit bag ready and just need to order the N2 tank, tubing, and flowmeter. But lately, after reading the threads on this site, I think a shotgun is the way to go. I have one in my shopping cart on a gun store website; if/when I purchase it that will be the go signal, as I have to go pick it up at a gun store nearby and once I do that I won't bring it home--I'll get some ammo, go to a secluded spot, and boom. But I haven't yet gotten to that point. I think only my daughters (especially my youngest) are keeping me from doing it.

I have found this site very helpful for a) research and b) knowing I'm not alone in these thoughts. I think more than anything I need someone to talk to. Thank you for listening.

 

[Arahant]

All right, maybe we can talk if you feel up for it.

If I had a genie in a lamp, with infinite wishes, and wanted to gift you a few to sort your life out, what would you wish for to become happy and not want to CTB?

 

[Danby]

That's a good question. To start, pay off all my debts, get the divorce over with, and find someone else who loves and appreciates me and tolerates my flaws and eccentricities (and vice versa). That would probably cure the urge to CTB, but not the depression.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer so much in this cruel existence, I understand feeling so tired of it all. But anyway best wishes.