My Inevitable Suicide

[Joey]

It sucks that it has to come down to this. That the time will be near one day and the clock will finally set where I will one day leave this life. It's not a matter of if…it's a matter of when.

I never experienced any kind of relationship in my life and what it's like to have someone, or even have normal goals that society deems you worthy to have like a "house" or "want to have kids." My life is okay in a subjective standpoint but deep down, I've always known it's pretty meaningless. Growing older and the ass kicking responsibilities of life that's thrown upon you, making you question of your childhood or teenage years were your best years before it went downhill. There's days where I question myself on why I'm even here in the first place on why I even exist and to participate in the game of life but well I was brought here and here I am!

It's sad to say that since my Mom died by suicide when I was only 8, it's gonna suck real bad to go through another one when I leave by the same type of death and I don't know how my Dad will take it. But he'll cope with it and move on. In the end, we're all forgotten and anything we do in a cosmic scale of things is pretty meaningless.

I've accepted my peace with my upcoming demise. I've accepted that I'll never fix the friendships that I've previously destroyed because of my own faults and drama. I've accepted that I will never have the things I want. I've accepted that it's okay to go out at the time of your choosing. And I've also accepted that death comes for us all one day but to have that control where you can end it so to speak, feels pretty liberating.

I don't know how long I'll stick around on this Earth but all I know is that I will inevitably die by my own hand. And like I said…it's not a matter of if but a matter of when. I will not live till old age.

It's a big sigh of relief that I can ever imagine.

 

[brnggundottxt]

Normal goals are just one thing after another, like a carrot on a stick. Some people only purpose in life is to chase that carrot. Show people who's boss. sad.
Hope you find happiness in where ever you end up.

 

[again_noidea]

it must be very painful to lose your mother in this way, especially when you are eight years old. i'm really sorry that this happened to you, i hope you find a way to engage meaningfully with that pain. I remember the first time i really felt the pain that lied dormant inside my heart... i was so surprised, because i guessed that it will be a lot of pain, but the amount that was encapsulated within my heart was way, way bigger than i ever imagined.

 

[Joey]

it must be very painful to lose your mother in this way, especially when you are eight years old. i'm really sorry that this happened to you, i hope you find a way to engage meaningfully with that pain. I remember the first time i really felt the pain that lied dormant inside my heart... i was so surprised, because i guessed that it will be a lot of pain, but the amount that was encapsulated within my heart was way, way bigger than i ever imagined.

Like it all adds up in the end and hits you. The strange part too was when she first died, I didn't even cry at all and I went to her funeral and everything. Then some years later when I was older, it all just hit me out of nowhere and that's when I started to cry.

 

[lonerclown666]

I want to CTB because i cant cope with being a loser i prefer to go than suffer in life

 

[Ednospatient]

same, I HAVE to kill myself

 

[again_noidea]

Like it all adds up in the end and hits you. The strange part too was when she first died, I didn't even cry at all and I went to her funeral and everything. Then some years later when I was older, it all just hit me out of nowhere and that's when I started to cry.

crying is so important! i cried my childhood tears when i was 35 years old. i cried every day for almost one year. i felt clean since then my emotions seem to dwell in their proper places. the confusion is gone.

 

[Joey]

crying is so important! i cried my childhood tears when i was 35 years old. i cried every day for almost one year. i felt clean since then my emotions seem to dwell in their proper places. the confusion is gone.

Dang 35 years old? Yeah crying is the best thing to ever happen in a way. It just feels like you release all of your tension and the stress is finally gone. It goes to show we're all human. :)

 

[again_noidea]

Dang 35 years old? Yeah crying is the best thing to ever happen in a way. It just feels like you release all of your tension and the stress is finally gone. It goes to show we're all human. :)

yeah, these emotions needed years to finally come out. i learned that pain can dig deep, maybe deeper than you thought. i my case it was more like sobbing, my whole body was shaking, no I just get this burning sensation in my nose and then the tears start to rolling. The intensity has definitely subsided. Lets see what comes next.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. I also see life as being completely meaningless, it is just a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it. I personally see no point to living. I never want to live until old age as well, the thought of being alive that long is horrifying to me. I wish you the best in whatever happens.