NSFW My hyper-sexuality makes me wanna die.

[PremiseRunner2049]

Decided to post little by little for now.
I have not yet begun to process what I want to get out the most so I'll rant about one of my more "superficial" issues.

Take them for what you will. I won't fault anyone for taking this with many grains of salt. All I can say is I have tried to be the sweetest, genuine, and attentive lover I could ever be. Especially after I was very possessive/obsessive as an early teen. I never knew how to communicate my romantic/sexual feelings and I have always just wanted to do better. Admittedly I was tired of seeing women wind up in the positions they do after giving so much trust. Now that I finally had an opportunity to prove that however, it's gone. I ruined it. I finally had that chance. My first healthy relationship and I am the toxic one.

i don't even know how to describe my story with it. I feel like another shitty guy for even complaining about it.
I am a 25 year old dude with no car, no job, and I am completely out of confidence. I get suicidal when I get horny. I genuinely do not believe there is any hope for me outside of porn and a lot of how I ruined my last relationship was blowing all my cash on porn. My brain did it to humiliate itself in a life where I wasn't being humiliated anymore.
I feel like such a bullshit option that I feel like I am sexually harassing women when I tell them how I feel. Even if it isn't sexual at all. I feel like compliments from me are toxic, disgusting, and spam.
I had been desperate for 5 years after I first had sex. It started from just being confident to having it but getting weighed down by the loneliness to realizing that I really am alone and "is that my… is that my dorky first move DM… on someone's instagram story?…" yes it was. Everyone knows and they're all laughing at how much of a neuter you are. The fact that you sent that on a Friday night??? She was out with friends bro??? What we're you doing?? Working?? Then having to share a room with your mom?? You cant even drive her anywhere??? Goofy broke ass.
Then I get pity fucked by someone who kinkshamed me the whole time and wouldn't even spend the night with me in the Hilton I got for us. Shortly after I am DMd by my first ex's NEW boyfriend. He is taunting me for flying out to Missouri to see her and still not getting any.

Small fast forward and I meet my current technical partner. We are on a break as I am incredibly unstable.
And boy.
We fuck and I didn't wanna date because I wanted to fuck more!! As if that was happening. We have been together for 3 years.
I vividly remember "it's just very very amazing that I enjoy sex with you and I am not just giving it out to guys for validation anymore" being a conversation piece.
Y'all have been getting laid for validation ?…
Obviously it was brought up much more appropriately, but yes that is in essence how it would go.
To know that the people you have talked to before them would fuck ANYONE but you. They would admit it. They would offer to SHOW you. You would agree because at least you get to watch them! Oh boy.

Now I am single again and why would I be fuckable right? I have nothing left. I always have "more I need to be worrying about than sex"
But god fucking dammit I just want to be fucking wanted. I want to be lusted for. Touched. Admired. And the one person that did, barely thought about sex like you did. So even then you would lose sleep over how fucking horny you are.
"Not even the love of your life wants your dick".
You can feel the world laughing.
You can see her moving on in 2 seconds.
You are a walking dick who cant host or accommodate.
What is there to be attracted to anymore?
You're now a psycho who is now addicted to dreaming about his death.
You dream of the world pointing and laughing like you think they should.
Like you know they do.
In every song, movie, tv show, or gossip story.
People talk about you.
The broke jobless manchild who doesn't drive.
But is always horny.
"You should fr cheat"

Ig that's about how much I can blab for now. I don't know what to do though.
All o have is myself and the internet.
I cant sleep.
Porn makes me jealous now.
It makes me sad to fantasize.
There is nothing to do.
You're fucking gross and nobody wants you.
Nobody cares about your sad fucking dick.
The lack of sex makes you wanna kill yourself? Like fr??? Fuckin baby.

 

[SexyIncél]

Weird that no one even reacted to this!

Anyway, seems you feel a lot of shame... But it's beautiful to desire intense erotic touch!

I observe people who shame erotic touch: most masturbate their tongues with dead animals; lick the cream that should've been children's milk; swallow embryonic babies. Somehow these necrophiles dare judge you for enjoying mutual caress-filled bliss

(Vegans are better, but the slurping & digestion & gasses & messy outputs... eh)

Many think they're superior because prefer blabbing over erotics. But most blab about nothing at all — or worse

Dunno. People are raised to be so pointlessly mean. Hope you won't be mean to yourself

 

[PremiseRunner2049]

Weird that no one even reacted to this!

Anyway, seems you feel a lot of shame... But it's beautiful to desire intense erotic touch!

I observe people who shame erotic touch: most masturbate their tongues with dead animals; lick the cream that should've been children's milk; swallow embryonic babies. Somehow these necrophiles dare judge you for enjoying mutual caress-filled bliss

(Vegans are better, but the slurping & digestion & gasses & messy outputs... eh)

Many think they're superior because prefer blabbing over erotics. But most blab about nothing at all — or worse

Dunno. People are raised to be so pointlessly mean. Hope you won't be mean to yourself

Thanks so much. def just feels audacious of me to expect physical connection when my life is so rocky. I feel like someone people actively avoid so how is it fair to expect anyone to feel attraction for me when I don't validate it. If I'm such a "monster" in my eyes, why would I have a monster pursue someone im interested in?

 

[UKscotty]

Not sure what any of that has to do with a suicide forum.

However, if you want to attract a partner, hitting the gym, getting a job and getting some decent clothes would be a great start.

Maybe you should try the recovery section? This is the suicide methods forum.

 

[UnwindingStar]

But god fucking dammit I just want to be fucking wanted. I want to be lusted for. Touched. Admired. And the one person that did, barely thought about sex like you did. So even then you would lose sleep over how fucking horny you are.
"Not even the love of your life wants your dick".
You can feel the world laughing.

I'm completely there with you. My sexuality and libido have destroyed countless relationships. I'm starting to feel unworthy of love. I will say that it sounds like there's still hope for your relationship. Have you tried telling her what is completely going through your mind?

 

[pole]

Not sure what any of that has to do with a suicide forum.

However, if you want to attract a partner, hitting the gym, getting a job and getting some decent clothes would be a great start.

Maybe you should try the recovery section? This is the suicide methods forum.

the suicide discussion sub forum is not limited to talk of methods. it can also include venting posts that touch on a range of issues that can impact one's mental health and intensify their suicidal thoughts.

in OP's case, struggling with hyper-sexuality exacerbates their mental health, which worsens their suicidal ideation. it is also a post venting their feelings, which can be helpful, allowing them to make sense of their struggles by getting different opinions on the matter.

 

[PremiseRunner2049]

Not sure what any of that has to do with a suicide forum.

However, if you want to attract a partner, hitting the gym, getting a job and getting some decent clothes would be a great start.

Maybe you should try the recovery section? This is the suicide methods forum.

Ngl def out of shape for the first time in my life but let it be known

The one thing I CAN pride myself on is my ability to swag all over the competition.
This drip will drop so I have to mop
I must be the great pyramid of Giza the way im bricked tf up with no explanation.