My husband said he likes when I'm scared of him :(

[Mrs. T-800]

"The only way to get through to you is to yell at you anyway"

Get me out...

 

[Hollowman]

Get rid of him if you can.

 

[Forveleth]

As someone alao in an abusive relationship, I feel for you. I hope you can escape your situation.

 

[bruised_reed]

My husband would say the same thing to me... I'm sorry you are going through that.

 

[CC123]

Talk with a battered woman's resource center
Best of luck getting away from him

 

[Mrs. T-800]

My husband would say the same thing to me... I'm sorry you are going through that.

Thank you. I'm sorry for your situation as well. Leaving is not so easy, for love and logistics...

 

[CatLvr]

You will find your mental health will improve quite a bit if you can do one of two things --

1 (and admittedly the best option). Leave him. Or get a restraining order and kick him out of where you guys live.

Or ... And this was the option I took with my late husband ...

2 (this is a dangerous game to play. You HAVE to know your opponent ... And yourself ... Much better than most people. It takes a certain kinda of pragmatism -- that not a lot of people have these days -- to be able to look at yourself and assess what you are capable of, and consequently what you will not be able to do if the time should come when you are dealing with an abusive person. And let's face it -- your husband IS abusive). Call his bluff. Next time he decides it's okay to "scare you" laugh in his face. Explain to him that is getting old and does he "really" think that's all it takes ...

Now ... LISTEN TO ME NOW!!

THIS IS NOT GOOD ADVICE! A LOT OF WOMEN HAVE BEEN KILLED PUTTING UP A FIGHT AGAINST THEIR ABUSER!!

But ... A lot of women have also been killed complying with everything their abuser "asks" of them. Leaving and going completely no contact is always gonna be the safest route when dealing with an abuser.

That said, I knew my opponent better than he knew himself. Bonus points that he was in a career field that would have tossed him out on his ear if I'd ever managed to get in front of a judge. And that was my ace-in-the-hole. I was a paralegal for almost 30 years. He was a cop. He was literally terrified of 2 things in this world -- winding up alone and winding up on a cellblock with someone he had put there.

So, I did all the usual things. I made excuses for him, I let him gaslight me and convince me if I was just a better wife none of this would be happening, on and on, ad nauseum. Until ONE day he made the mistake of putting his hands on me. Now ... As the product of an EXTREMELY abusive childhood I have a predictable progression of coping mechanisms -- ignore, make excuses, make more excuses, get mad and fight back, rinse repeat a few times until it becomes OBVIOUS that being a reasonable, kinda sane person isn't gonna work and then I act out like a fucking cornered cat.

But ... Even in the middle of any altercation I am still watching. I NEVER lose control. Even when it certainly LOOKS like I have completely lost my mind I am still watching you -- not just listening to the words coming out of you mouth, but watching ... Your eyes, your body language, your hands, all of it.

And I saw it in his eyes -- probably before he even realized he had bitten off WAY more than he could chew. He told me years later (when he thought he was safe lol) that he had never, EVER been as scared as he was "that night." And after that night I could tell when we were having a "discussion" the SECOND that he knew he had better dial it back. He would stop, usually mid-sentence, break eye contact with me, look off into space and start rubbing his thumb and the first 2 fingers on his right hand together and just shut down.

And that was it. "Conversation" was over. Did it change anything in our relationship?? Sure it did. Know what it DIDN'T change?? It didn't change that he was a manipulative, narcissistic asshole who thought he ought to be able to snap his fingers to get ANYTHING he wanted from his "loving, appreciative, always compliant wife." I played a very dangerous game with him. And I got VERY lucky and won.

Again -- I AM NOT recommending what I did to anyone. I am THE POSTER CHILD FOR CAUTIONARY TALES ... BUT ... Fairy tales do come true. Occasionally.

Be careful ... No matter what, keep yourself safe. I will light a candle for you this evening, sweetie.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

You will find your mental health will improve quite a bit if you can do one of two things --

1 (and admittedly the best option). Leave him. Or get a restraining order and kick him out of where you guys live.

Or ... And this was the option I took with my late husband ...

2 (this is a dangerous game to play. You HAVE to know your opponent ... And yourself ... Much better than most people. It takes a certain kinda of pragmatism -- that not a lot of people have these days -- to be able to look at yourself and assess what you are capable of, and consequently what you will not be able to do if the time should come when you are dealing with an abusive person. And let's face it -- your husband IS abusive). Call his bluff. Next time he decides it's okay to "scare you" laugh in his face. Explain to him that is getting old and does he "really" think that's all it takes ...

Now ... LISTEN TO ME NOW!!

THIS IS NOT GOOD ADVICE! A LOT OF WOMEN HAVE BEEN KILLED PUTTING UP A FIGHT AGAINST THEIR ABUSER!!

But ... A lot of women have also been killed complying with everything their abuser "asks" of them. Leaving and going completely no contact is always gonna be the safest route when dealing with an abuser.

That said, I knew my opponent better than he knew himself. Bonus points that he was in a career field that would have tossed him out on his ear if I'd ever managed to get in front of a judge. And that was my ace-in-the-hole. I was a paralegal for almost 30 years. He was a cop. He was literally terrified of 2 things in this world -- winding up alone and winding up on a cellblock with someone he had put there.

So, I did all the usual things. I made excuses for him, I let him gaslight me and convince me if I was just a better wife none of this would be happening, on and on, ad nauseum. Until ONE day he made the mistake of putting his hands on me. Now ... As the product of an EXTREMELY abusive childhood I have a predictable progression of coping mechanisms -- ignore, make excuses, make more excuses, get mad and fight back, rinse repeat a few times until it becomes OBVIOUS that being a reasonable, kinda sane person isn't gonna work and then I act out like a fucking cornered cat.

But ... Even in the middle of any altercation I am still watching. I NEVER lose control. Even when it certainly LOOKS like I have completely lost my mind I am still watching you -- not just listening to the words coming out of you mouth, but watching ... Your eyes, your body language, your hands, all of it.

And I saw it in his eyes -- probably before he even realized he had bitten off WAY more than he could chew. He told me years later (when he thought he was safe lol) that he had never, EVER been as scared as he was "that night." And after that night I could tell when we were having a "discussion" the SECOND that he knew he had better dial it back. He would stop, usually mid-sentence, break eye contact with me, look off into space and start rubbing his thumb and the first 2 fingers on his right hand together and just shut down.

And that was it. "Conversation" was over. Did it change anything in our relationship?? Sure it did. Know what it DIDN'T change?? It didn't change that he was a manipulative, narcissistic asshole who thought he ought to be able to snap his fingers to get ANYTHING he wanted from his "loving, appreciative, always compliant wife." I played a very dangerous game with him. And I got VERY lucky and won.

Again -- I AM NOT recommending what I did to anyone. I am THE POSTER CHILD FOR CAUTIONARY TALES ... BUT ... Fairy tales do come true. Occasionally.

Be careful ... No matter what, keep yourself safe. I will light a candle for you this evening, sweetie.

This is really swell, thank you. And thank you for believing in me.
I think I will try this route. I know I am a strong girl, I am still alive, despite everything. I am smart... my self-esteem and self-confidence are in the trenches but at the end of the day I can at least factually say I am a multilingual, elite-schooled lawyer, former model, author, and such. I will try not to be the scared little girl (and he loves to call me a little girl or little bitch) and cry. It is not easy... that is what I escaped, and my inner child is 90% of me...
But I always stay calm, until I cry. I never yell or curse or get physical in any regard, not even punching a pillow.

I don't want him to be scared of me though. I want a healthy and happy love. It was never this way before.
Maybe just being calm, flat, and controlled – confident in myself, that is new. I will try it. I am always a quiet, crybaby, scared soul in this sort of situation.
I will try.

Thank you very much. It felt like a warm hug and a pep talk from a girl friend to read this.

 

[CatLvr]

This is really swell, thank you. And thank you for believing in me.
I think I will try this route. I know I am a strong girl, I am still alive, despite everything. I am smart... my self-esteem and self-confidence are in the trenches but at the end of the day I can at least factually say I am a multilingual, elite-schooled lawyer, former model, author, and such. I will try not to be the scared little girl (and he loves to call me a little girl or little bitch) and cry. It is not easy... that is what I escaped, and my inner child is 90% of me...
But I always stay calm, until I cry. I never yell or curse or get physical in any regard, not even punching a pillow.

I don't want him to be scared of me though. I want a healthy and happy love. It was never this way before.
Maybe just being calm, flat, and controlled – confident in myself, that is new. I will try it. I am always a quiet, crybaby, scared soul in this sort of situation.
I will try.

Thank you very much. It felt like a warm hug and a pep talk from a girl friend to read this.

Ok, if you are determined to try it my way I wish you the best of luck.

But I would be remiss if I didn't point out a couple of things (from one OLD paralegal to one -- I am assuming -- younger, much smarter lawyer I mean this IS how we win the "lawsuit," right?? )

1. He knows your triggers. RIGHT NOW, before you even enter the "courtroom," you have to KNOW that those ARE NOT your triggers any longer. No matter what he says, how he dances around trying to find a new way to make what is not working like it always has in the past, etc. those triggers are inoperable now. It's not that you are ignoring those things.

You HAVE to decide that they DO NOT HAVE THE POWER RO HURT YOU ANY LONGER. You cannot fake it til you make it thru this part. What you CAN do is wait until you are ready. Until you can look at yourself in the mirror and say "Ok, this is not an issue for me any longer" WAIT ...

2. I hate to be the one to tell you this because I feel like it is gonna shatter your vision of what love is (and/or what it could be) but I was the same 2
way as you for most of my life, until I realized that men like my husband (and yours) do not live by the same moral code we do. But ... If he is not afraid of you and what you are capable of DO NOT DO THIS. Because it will just anger him in ways that you DO NOT WANT. He will accuse you of thinking he is stupid (just between you and me he IS stupid) and that will just give him, in his mind, justification for why he treats you like he does and also give him justification to maybe even get more abusive.

Like I have said several times (because it is important) this is a very dangerous game. Which leads me to Number 3.

3. I know you want a healthy, happy love. We ALL do. But here is the hard truth. You NEVER had that with this man. It wasn't this way before because he KNEW that if you saw who he really was)is at the core you would never have given him the time of day, muchless let a relationship develop with him. You, dear, have been played.

He saw what he wanted and he did a consummate sales job on you. There is absolutely no shame in falling in love with the version of himself this man presented you with. The shame is (not that HE would EVER feel any kind of shame) his -- for presenting a version of himself that was a lie. He was NEVER gonna be the man you thought he was. He was just waiting until you were "in too deep" before he showed you who he REALLY is.

You need to know -- and I need for you to REALLY HEAR THIS -- the ONLY time in the almost 30 years my husband and I were together that our relationship was "good" was when he was "courting" me. I was not even dating back then. And wasn't looking to date. I owned my own home, my youngest children were in high school, fixing to graduate, I had a good job, retirement plan, had FINALLY gotten rid of a long-term deadbeat boyfriend. I was " ...... " THIS close to getting some well-deserved peace and quiet. And some mutual friends introduced us. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Don't get me wrong -- I did love him. Very VERY much for a very long time. And not everything that was wrong with our relationship was his fault. BUT ... You HAVE to be brutally honest with yourself about what you are willing to do -- and what he would be willing to do to you -- for what I did to have even a snowball's chance in Hell of succeeding. And even then your relationship will be changed fundamentally.

Let me say that again -- this will change your relationship in ways that neither of you will anticipate. He will not see you as "that sweet girl" he can manipulate any longer, but as "the enemy" who has destroyed your relationship." And that will NEVER change. He will NEVER "get it."

My husband, in the end, used his health as a way to try and manipulate me. He was a Type II diabetic and would stop taking his insulin so I "would HAVE to take care of him." No matter how many times I tried to tell him he was doing accruing cumulative damage to his body -- that just because the doctor's saved him this time that didn't mean they would be able to the next time.

So ... Bottom line, you have to come to terms with the facts that 1. This relationship has never been to him what it was to you; 2. That any affection he feels for you is likely tied to what you do/provide for him and absolutely nothing about what he does/provides for you. 3. This WILL change your relationship, permanently. I wish I could tell you it will be for the better, but my experience tells me that, unfortunately, is probably not gonna be the case. And 4. I sincerely hope, with all my heart, that I am wrong and you guys turn out to be that one in a million couple that defies the odds.

Good luck, sweetie. I really do hope this works out like you want it to.

 

[CC123]

I don't want him to be scared of me though. I want a healthy and happy love. It was never this way before.
Maybe just being calm, flat, and controlled – confident in myself, that is new. I will try it. I am always a quiet, crybaby, scared soul in this sort of situation.
I will try.

To me, this is an unhealthy fantasy.
He won't change and is likely incapable of change.
Easy to say but hard to do: GET AWAY FROM HIM