Venting My Hottake: Suicide is Insignificant.

[Cicis.Doing.Unwell7]

☆ ──꒰ (𝑪 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈...)

Hey!
So - Why the Headline?

I had a therapy session with my therapist a few days ago. He knows that I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 11.
So I used this therapy session to deal with the topic intensively and discuss it with him (again).

We first talked about how the problem for me is that this thought of "not wanting to exist" is simply so deeply ingrained. And that's true—I've already had two suicide attempts.

He dismissed me from the session with a sentence that has been bothering me for days: "You can take your life tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a week, a year, or even 10 years from now—no reason to rush."
It might sound incredibly strange, but I've never felt as relaxed (edit: "Calmed Down!) as I did after hearing that sentence.

I often have the feeling, even when I'm on this forum, that there's a certain kind of "die fast". (Which is understandable because of how bad the suffering is).
Since I took the pressure off myself to kill myself, I've, strangely enough, become much more open to seriously trying it again.

Why, you might be wondering?
-- Somehow, it's always been like this for me: as soon as I take the pressure off myself to HAVE TO DO something, everything becomes... so much easier. Everything has become so incredibly insignificant—not just over the days, but over the years. Our Life and Existence... what even is this? xd

It just... doesn't matter. :)
And it... fells good! Because Suicide is nothing more for me than "Having Control" over Me and My Body, and everything that was taken away from me over the years.


☆ ── 𝑩𝒚𝒆; 𝑪! ꒱

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

If you feel that way, good, continue living I guess. However , why even make an account if you feel like your perspective has shifted towards living? Why post in the suicide section instead of the recovery one which is made specifically for this thing, maybe it was an oversight on your part. Good for you on feeling better after hearing that.

I've heard something quite similar from one of my therapists too and it was one of the last things I heard from them since I never went back, but that's me.

 

[Cicis.Doing.Unwell7]

If you feel that way, good, continue living I guess. However , why even make an account if you feel like your perspective has shifted towards living? Why post in the suicide section instead of the recovery one which is made specifically for this thing, maybe it was an oversight on your part. Good for you on feeling better after hearing that.

I've heard something quite similar from one of my therapists too and it was one of the last things I heard from them since I never went back, but that's me.

(…)

I think you dismissed what I was saying tbh. :/

At the end - I felt a lot better. Because It, again, took of the pressure. THEN it makes me want to… die with ease? It feels easier. But maybe you are right…? Because it feels easier both ways…?

Is that recovery? I dont think so tbh - I cant find a way to get a grip of life nor death. I stuck kinda in between atm.

(…)

 

[Carrot]

If that makes you relaxed, good for you. My mind jumps to reasons why I'd rather die now instead of waiting.

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

I think you dismissed what I was saying tbh. :/

Probably; I mean having a means to end your life at any time takes stress away from you, is that what you said? I probably missunderstood then.

 

[Dejected 55]

Everyone's situation is different. There might be a solid reason for wanting to kill yourself (specific or general trauma, terminal disease, constant physical or emotional pain, recent hardship, etc.) but there can also be mitigating factors that drive timing.

In my case, I have a specific reason that all the will and desire to live has gone out of my life... but I have an impending financial hardship that will make everything infinitely more difficult such that the driving factor for the timing of my exit is less about my reason for wanting to end my life and more about the financial situation.

IF I won the lottery tomorrow, my finances would go away as a problem... I'd still be miserable and want to die, but I wouldn't have a hard line in the sand a couple of months from now to do it... so if my misery was manageable I might not feel as urgent of a need to go.

 

[Cicis.Doing.Unwell7]

Probably; I mean having a means to end your life at any time takes stress away from you, is that what you said? I probably missunderstood then.

(…)
So - I will explain it to you in more detail. <3
!I think I might used the very "from my country" way of saying "It calmed me down a lot"!

My therapist said: "You can take your life tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a week, a year, or even 10 years from now—no reason to rush."
In reaction to that -> Mind went: "Brr, Omg, I have control."

Yes, just like you said - Ending it at any time, any point and any moment takes my stress away. I have complety control over my body and my mind and freewill to live. I have C-PTSD (and a lot of other illnesses) that disable me a lot in my daily life. Currently I have 000 control over my body, my mind, my state and other factors.

No control -> being complety helpless.

So what basically happend is - he filterd the control over my whole "suicide-situatation" and it "relaxed me", in other word "calmed me down", because I have control of "when to die."

Hope that was a bit more... clear?
(...)

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

(…)
So - I will explain it to you in more detail. <3
!I think I might used the very "from my country" way of saying "It calmed me down a lot"!

My therapist said: "You can take your life tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a week, a year, or even 10 years from now—no reason to rush."
In reaction to that -> Mind went: "Brr, Omg, I have control."

Yes, just like you said - Ending it at any time, any point and any moment takes my stress away. I have complety control over my body and my mind and freewill to live. I have C-PTSD (and a lot of other illnesses) that disable me a lot in my daily life. Currently I have 000 control over my body, my mind, my state and other factors.

No control -> being complety helpless.

So what basically happend is - he filterd the control over my whole "suicide-situatation" and it "relaxed me", in other word "calmed me down", because I have control of "when to die."

Hope that was a bit more... clear?
(...)

I understand , I got some calmness too when I got hands on my preferred method.

 

[Cicis.Doing.Unwell7]

Everyone's situation is different. There might be a solid reason for wanting to kill yourself (specific or general trauma, terminal disease, constant physical or emotional pain, recent hardship, etc.) but there can also be mitigating factors that drive timing.

In my case, I have a specific reason that all the will and desire to live has gone out of my life... but I have an impending financial hardship that will make everything infinitely more difficult such that the driving factor for the timing of my exit is less about my reason for wanting to end my life and more about the financial situation.

IF I won the lottery tomorrow, my finances would go away as a problem... I'd still be miserable and want to die, but I wouldn't have a hard line in the sand a couple of months from now to do it... so if my misery was manageable I might not feel as urgent of a need to go.

(…)
This is true tho? Holy?

I'm also going through a time of debt right now and really have to work my ass off, hence my motto: "Too Much Work To Do." I understand that the financial factor, for example, plays such a big role.

When things pile up over days, weeks, months, or years – at some point, you just can't take it anymore. It's just like CPTSD, really.

It's a lot! And I can understand you soooo well!
(...)

If that makes you relaxed, good for you. My mind jumps to reasons why I'd rather die now instead of waiting.

(…)

Its such a valid point!
If I think about living - there a glimpses of happy moments in my past and like A MOUNTAIN shitplace to have in past, present, future - Too Much To Handle.

I cant see myself happy in the future - I always come back to that destroyed me, even after almost 10 years of Therapy. Its just crazy how life works.

(…)

 

[TBONTB]

If that makes you relaxed, good for you. My mind jumps to reasons why I'd rather die now instead of waiting.

Oh, I am so with you. Now,now,now.

But as we learn here, dying is hard.