My heart needs to be stabbed

[Funeralprincess]

Crazy how love works when you really feel deeply about someone. Being 25 now, I used to think I knew what love was until I actually FELL for someone and couldn't ever fall in love again… now I understand what deep love is like. I see so many on here saying "I wish I could've experienced romantic love" and it's like, yeah no no you don't…. Not when it then is taken away from you. I wish I would've never fallen in love like this had I known that it would be taken away because I have a mental illness. What's insane is when you fall this deeply for someone nobody will ever make you feel that way again and if they do, then it wasn't love with the old lover trust me. Ive had men now enter my life who would be deemed even "better" than him and I feel nothing for them. I fucking HATE deep romantic love; I wish I could've just never ever experienced this shit… it's a big reason I want to die as you all know but it's crazy having other men in my life now who are on an even higher level and my heart can't feel shit. It's been like this for years and the only way out is offing myself.

I'm at the point the feelings that never faded after all these years are starting to crush me daily. I don't even know how the fuck I'm functioning in college because as soon as I'm home I turn off all the lights and throw on my blankets, dreaming of death.
I'm terrified of continuing on like this and I'm very grateful to have N

 

[Jrmull1993]

I feel for you. I've also learned that love is the greatest gift, but at the same time it's also the worst loss.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i was thinking this exact thing earlier. i happen to be cutting potatoes and had my chefs knife out when i started thinking about my exSO. he makes me want to kill myself for several different reasons. much like you, its pointless to continue without him. i cant speak for your case but in my case i dont think it will matter if he comes back seeing how our 'relationship' left me with more mental problems.

 

[Funeralprincess]

i was thinking this exact thing earlier. i happen to be cutting potatoes and had my chefs knife out when i started thinking about my exSO. he makes me want to kill myself for several different reasons. much like you, its pointless to continue without him. i cant speak for your case but in my case i dont think it will matter if he comes back seeing how our 'relationship' left me with more mental problems.

Yes I totally understand. What did he do to you? My ex (even though I still love him) made me think we would try again and so he intentionally gave me a lot of hope…. It crushed me and ripped me to shreds

 

[Life_and_Death]

Yes I totally understand. What did he do to you? My ex (even though I still love him) made me think we would try again and so he intentionally gave me a lot of hope…. It crushed me and ripped me to shreds

called emotionally abusive and whatnot.
as someone thats dealt with emotional abuse, lmfao he has no idea. theres dealing with stuff (which is me bpd) and then theres emotional abuse. none of what i did was directed toward him nor intentional so now i have to deal with feeling "manipulative".

 

[thebunny]

as someone who recently broke up with the love of their life, i get it all. for a moment, i'd think that everything will get better and i'll find someone new again and i'll feel love again. however, the more i think about it, the more i realise i'll never get that again. i tried to date people after him these past few months, but it all feels wrong. it feels wrong to love another person besides him. and for the most part, he's one of the reasons why i refuse to keep going in life because what's the fucking point anyway?

i don't wanna live long enough to see them happy and in love with another person. i'm happy for him because i can see that he's getting better and is moving on, but i'm not happy for myself. i keep telling myself that i've accepted the facts and the ending, but i still find it all unfair.

i'd like for him to come back because i know i can get better, i just need him. maybe it's wrong for me to have myself and my decisions dependent on him, but he was the only thing that made sense to me. we had something really special and no one could replace that even if they tried.

but again, i'm not entirely blaming him for my death. no one should. and i'm pretty sure that when i'm gone, he'll be truly happy.

so i'm letting go, of him and of my time here on this foul world, but it was nice while it lasted.

 

[Funeralprincess]

as someone who recently broke up with the love of their life, i get it all. for a moment, i'd think that everything will get better and i'll find someone new again and i'll feel love again. however, the more i think about it, the more i realise i'll never get that again. i tried to date people after him these past few months, but it all feels wrong. it feels wrong to love another person besides him. and for the most part, he's one of the reasons why i refuse to keep going in life because what's the fucking point anyway?

i don't wanna live long enough to see them happy and in love with another person. i'm happy for him because i can see that he's getting better and is moving on, but i'm not happy for myself. i keep telling myself that i've accepted the facts and the ending, but i still find it all unfair.

i'd like for him to come back because i know i can get better, i just need him. maybe it's wrong for me to have myself and my decisions dependent on him, but he was the only thing that made sense to me. we had something really special and no one could replace that even if they tried.

but again, i'm not entirely blaming him for my death. no one should. and i'm pretty sure that when i'm gone, he'll be truly happy.

so i'm letting go, of him and of my time here on this foul world, but it was nice while it lasted.

Yeah mine is already moved on and seems pretty happy. I'm still In love with him four years later so I don't think it's wrong how you feel. I realize he just never loved me as much as he pretended to, but my love was and still is real. He's happy and loving life and I'm sure will find a prettier better girl, but my life was so bright with him in it. I don't think we are dependent on them, I think they just brought joy to our lives and there's no wrong in that. I don't want to carry on without him, and I feel so empty and depressed. It's gotten worse the more the years have passed and I realize I was just a burden to him. I'm sorry you've been through losing your love too. It's sucks so much and now I'm just trying to focus on dying

called emotionally abusive and whatnot.
as someone thats dealt with emotional abuse, lmfao he has no idea. theres dealing with stuff (which is me bpd) and then theres emotional abuse. none of what i did was directed toward him nor intentional so now i have to deal with feeling "manipulative".

Wow sounds like he's not realizing it's your mental illness. My previous person took what I did while bipolar (episodes can last a LOT longer than a few months)and is going by that as the reasons for now not wanting to try again so basically he's humanizing my fucking disability, and making it seem like it wasn't a mental thing at all it was all rational choice… he claims to understand mental issues then does that to me. He broke me so badly yet I still love him more and more…
I hate when people don't understand it's our mental health and they're ALWAYS the ones who claim to be totally understanding.

 

[Life_and_Death]

they're ALWAYS the ones who claim to be totally understanding

Lol yeah. Someone (off here) recently asked what's a red flag about someone and I said "they say they won't leave" lmfao

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would be grateful to have the option of N. Living really is so cruel and painful, and if you have something positive in your life it's just something to lose and cause you to suffer more.

 

[Funeralprincess]

Lol yeah. Someone (off here) recently asked what's a red flag about someone and I said "they say they won't leave" lmfao

I understand. It's a big problem especially when we disclosed the fact we have mental issues. He knew I was sick and promised me the world only to give it to me then take it all away. But we are always there for them… THATS the part that hurts the most. We accepted their flaws and their faults, while they only pretended to accept ours. I also hate how we are turned into "lessons" because we are mentally unwell. I'm at the point I think people view us mentally ill people as not human :(

I understand why you would be grateful to have the option of N. Living really is so cruel and painful, and if you have something positive in your life it's just something to lose and cause you to suffer more.

I'm forever grateful for N honestly

 

[DarkNearDeath]

Crazy how love works when you really feel deeply about someone. Being 25 now, I used to think I knew what love was until I actually FELL for someone and couldn't ever fall in love again… now I understand what deep love is like. I see so many on here saying "I wish I could've experienced romantic love" and it's like, yeah no no you don't…. Not when it then is taken away from you. I wish I would've never fallen in love like this had I known that it would be taken away because I have a mental illness. What's insane is when you fall this deeply for someone nobody will ever make you feel that way again and if they do, then it wasn't love with the old lover trust me. Ive had men now enter my life who would be deemed even "better" than him and I feel nothing for them. I fucking HATE deep romantic love; I wish I could've just never ever experienced this shit… it's a big reason I want to die as you all know but it's crazy having other men in my life now who are on an even higher level and my heart can't feel shit. It's been like this for years and the only way out is offing myself.

I'm at the point the feelings that never faded after all these years are starting to crush me daily. I don't even know how the fuck I'm functioning in college because as soon as I'm home I turn off all the lights and throw on my blankets, dreaming of death.
I'm terrified of continuing on like this and I'm very grateful to have N

Vibing with you about going home and dreaming of death, it's that recently

 

[chronicallybroken]

I'm heartbroken too and wondering how much was real. He used to say "I just want to make your life easier" but behind the nice guy façade he's a walking red flag. He compounded existing traumas and never understood why or how badly it hurt me, now I'm not sure if he even cared. I'm not sure if he knows how manipulative he is.

He's moving on already - or at least, regressing. I don't want him back now I know who he is (surprise: it's what my gut told me), but I'm still struggling with the loss of those years of my life, and the destruction of the future I planned and dreamed of.

 

[Finding Sirius]

Love is a double edged sword. It is greatest joy you will ever feel, and and the most horrible pain you will ever suffer when it's gone. In my case it's knowing that I was someone's top priority, their entire world. Now I'm just an annoying nuisance or worse, a pitiful widow.

Gone are the days of having a constant companion who was there no matter what. Now I spend my days in solitude, I've tried talking to people and making friends. I'm even open to dating, but no one will ever be "better" than him. He was my soulmate and I'm tired of trying to live without him.

The longer I stay here the more I realize what I've lost. He is irreplaceable. I miss how effortless things were with him, how in sync we were. I want to leave this is world so badly, I struggle to find a reason to stay. I'm tired of trying I just want to be with him amongst the stars. Please baby don't be disappointed with me, you know I'm trying. I tried!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Love can really mess you up… I let the rest of my life languish dedicated 100% to something that was ultimately poisonous… Now I'm just putting off the inevitable… Every time I close my eyes I have some fresh revelation about how delusional I've been my entire life… Even now part of me thinks the sun won't rise tomorrow And I will be able to escape my doom…

 

[Funeralprincess]

I'm heartbroken too and wondering how much was real. He used to say "I just want to make your life easier" but behind the nice guy façade he's a walking red flag. He compounded existing traumas and never understood why or how badly it hurt me, now I'm not sure if he even cared. I'm not sure if he knows how manipulative he is.

He's moving on already - or at least, regressing. I don't want him back now I know who he is (surprise: it's what my gut told me), but I'm still struggling with the loss of those years of my life, and the destruction of the future I planned and dreamed of.

I understand entirely. It's traumatizing when you can't get those life years back. It can do serious damage

Love is a double edged sword. It is greatest joy you will ever feel, and and the most horrible pain you will ever suffer when it's gone. In my case it's knowing that I was someone's top priority, their entire world. Now I'm just an annoying nuisance or worse, a pitiful widow.

Gone are the days of having a constant companion who was there no matter what. Now I spend my days in solitude, I've tried talking to people and making friends. I'm even open to dating, but no one will ever be "better" than him. He was my soulmate and I'm tired of trying to live without him.

The longer I stay here the more I realize what I've lost. He is irreplaceable. I miss how effortless things were with him, how in sync we were. I want to leave this is world so badly, I struggle to find a reason to stay. I'm tired of trying I just want to be with him amongst the stars. Please baby don't be disappointed with me, you know I'm trying. I tried!

I relate. Hell, ive had men come in my life who were deemed "better" but I felt nothing. I realize even having someone like him (high paying job, handsome, sweet, kind, attentive, etc) it's NOT him so I feel nothing. I now just sit knowing he's finding a healthy normal girl who's probably even prettier than me and I am just preparing to end my life because I can't live more years like this and I've already endured four years and I'm tired too.

I'm heartbroken too and wondering how much was real. He used to say "I just want to make your life easier" but behind the nice guy façade he's a walking red flag. He compounded existing traumas and never understood why or how badly it hurt me, now I'm not sure if he even cared. I'm not sure if he knows how manipulative he is.

He's moving on already - or at least, regressing. I don't want him back now I know who he is (surprise: it's what my gut told me), but I'm still struggling with the loss of those years of my life, and the destruction of the future I planned and dreamed of.

Mine made my life easier then took it away from me and claims to still love me. Sometimes the "too good to be true" men will hurt the most and then we can't trust another guy

Vibing with you about going home and dreaming of death, it's that recently

Yes death is all I dream about and fantasize about

 

[keilani97]

Crazy how love works when you really feel deeply about someone. Being 25 now, I used to think I knew what love was until I actually FELL for someone and couldn't ever fall in love again… now I understand what deep love is like. I see so many on here saying "I wish I could've experienced romantic love" and it's like, yeah no no you don't…. Not when it then is taken away from you. I wish I would've never fallen in love like this had I known that it would be taken away because I have a mental illness. What's insane is when you fall this deeply for someone nobody will ever make you feel that way again and if they do, then it wasn't love with the old lover trust me. Ive had men now enter my life who would be deemed even "better" than him and I feel nothing for them. I fucking HATE deep romantic love; I wish I could've just never ever experienced this shit… it's a big reason I want to die as you all know but it's crazy having other men in my life now who are on an even higher level and my heart can't feel shit. It's been like this for years and the only way out is offing myself.

I'm at the point the feelings that never faded after all these years are starting to crush me daily. I don't even know how the fuck I'm functioning in college because as soon as I'm home I turn off all the lights and throw on my blankets, dreaming of death.
I'm terrified of continuing on like this and I'm very grateful to have N

I'm also your age and am CTB for a similar reason

as someone who recently broke up with the love of their life, i get it all. for a moment, i'd think that everything will get better and i'll find someone new again and i'll feel love again. however, the more i think about it, the more i realise i'll never get that again. i tried to date people after him these past few months, but it all feels wrong. it feels wrong to love another person besides him. and for the most part, he's one of the reasons why i refuse to keep going in life because what's the fucking point anyway?

i don't wanna live long enough to see them happy and in love with another person. i'm happy for him because i can see that he's getting better and is moving on, but i'm not happy for myself. i keep telling myself that i've accepted the facts and the ending, but i still find it all unfair.

i'd like for him to come back because i know i can get better, i just need him. maybe it's wrong for me to have myself and my decisions dependent on him, but he was the only thing that made sense to me. we had something really special and no one could replace that even if they tried.

but again, i'm not entirely blaming him for my death. no one should. and i'm pretty sure that when i'm gone, he'll be truly happy.

so i'm letting go, of him and of my time here on this foul world, but it was nice while it lasted.

That quote hit me really deep.

as someone who recently broke up with the love of their life, i get it all. for a moment, i'd think that everything will get better and i'll find someone new again and i'll feel love again. however, the more i think about it, the more i realise i'll never get that again. i tried to date people after him these past few months, but it all feels wrong. it feels wrong to love another person besides him. and for the most part, he's one of the reasons why i refuse to keep going in life because what's the fucking point anyway?

i don't wanna live long enough to see them happy and in love with another person. i'm happy for him because i can see that he's getting better and is moving on, but i'm not happy for myself. i keep telling myself that i've accepted the facts and the ending, but i still find it all unfair.

i'd like for him to come back because i know i can get better, i just need him. maybe it's wrong for me to have myself and my decisions dependent on him, but he was the only thing that made sense to me. we had something really special and no one could replace that even if they tried.

but again, i'm not entirely blaming him for my death. no one should. and i'm pretty sure that when i'm gone, he'll be truly happy.

so i'm letting go, of him and of my time here on this foul world, but it was nice while it lasted.

That quote hit me really deep.