Venting My heart might be failing.

[Honeybee]

It feels ironic that I'm scared about this. I was meant to die only a few days ago. Well, that clearly didn't work out, and now, I'm still here, and potentially slowly dying in a way that's out of my control.

Doctors aren't sure what's wrong, exactly. They thought one thing, I had the 'surgery' to fix it, but they found nothing and sent me home with a medication that nearly killed me anyways. (I actually don't know how fatal it would've been, but my heart rate dropped to at least 50bpm and my O2 was in the 80% range, I nearly fainted, after only 2 days of taking it.) They have me on propranolol now, and honestly I only plan to use it to help with another ctb method.

At least, I did plan that. I got scared enough to start taking it again because my heart has been "off" this week. This feeling I've never had before, almost like my heart kept stopping. And typically any change in heart health is an immediate concern, right? It's gone away since then, after 3 days of a consistent problem, but I'll probably be making an appointment soon anyways. As much as I want to ctb, I do not want to experience heart failure, or any major illness for that matter.

Or maybe I should let it happen. I've heard heart problems make ctb more successful with this method.


(long-term EKG labs taken in 2025)

 

[unluckysadness]

I take propranolol too since years because my heart beats too fast. The cardiologist said my heart was okay, but I didn't see him since more than 5 years (I don't remember exactly). I think my passing can be "easier" because of that.

If you're scared about it, it's normal, it's simply your SI who asks you to survive.

 

[iCryInMySecretSpot]

i hate the feeling of fear. it always hijacks my brain and makes my hands shake.