selfsabotage
Member
- May 13, 2023
- 13
i am so sick of my mental disorders.
im borderline and might also be bipolar, although i havent yet checked. i have been going through deep depressive episodes that last from weeks to months straight for the past 6 years (at least), regularly, and that alternate with phases where i am the happiest ever, similar to (probably is) hypomania or mania, sometimes even too euphoric for my own good.
everytime i hit a depressive episode again all i want to do is to ctb. it is all i can think about. last may, it happened again. i got depressed for the first time in long, at least a year, because of the end of my relationship. ctb was the only thing on my mind, i started writing the notes, i was dead set on doing it by the end of june. but i kept procrastinating actually having a fully fleshed out plan, kept procrastinating finishing my notes to everyone, kept procrastinating trying to write some sort of "will"... and i was supposed to travel to visit family a day or two after. so i postponed it.
i stayed 2 months there with them. the entire time the only thing on my mind was ctb. extremely exhausting mental dialogue. i was just so fucking depressed and heartbroken, to the point i got hospitalized for a pseudo heart-attack i had out of nowhere to which the doctors couldn't find a physical cause so they said it was most likely emotional (di)stress-related. anyway. i couldnt do anything to make it go away, except setting another date and waiting it out. i picked september 11, i found it would be "funny" given that i am arab and all my friends make jokes like that with me. sorry if this is offensive lol, i know there's nothing funny with either ctb nor the tragedy, but that was my brain being dysfunctional at the time.
but then i got an appointment set on that date. a psychiatry appointment. i was looking for one for months because my then-gf had me do it, and she made me promise id find one and go to it after we broke up. so that fucked up my plans again. but its fine, i told myself, i can set another date. just postpone it a few more days.
wrong.
i came back to my country about 3 weeks ago. the first week i was still depressed. these past 2, way way less. like WAY less. objectively speaking, i might be hypo/manic again. not sleeping much if at all, having random sex with multiple different people, spending wayyy too much money on nothing but drinks at the bar (which i go to almost every day) and cigarettes and my FP (the gf i had, just dont like calling her my x), barely eating any "real" food, doing a lot of stuff very spontaneously (if not impulsively), having minor auditory hallucinations at times, deciding on a whim that i'm changing my uni major after 2 years of doing the same thing, and subsequently not giving a shit about failing my retake exams, blablabla.... u get the gist.
but so that means that i do not wanna ctb anymore. i'm HAPPY. im not thinking about it much if at all anymore. i feel good.
and i'm fucking mad about it.
because i have these bouts of self-awareness, like rn, where i can tell this is all just a PHASE. it will go away soon. i will hit rock bottom again soon. and each time i do, it hits ten times harder than the last. if my last dep ep was so bad that i finally signed up to this site after years of knowing of its existence, i imagine the next one will have me actually ctb. it's how its always been.
so i want to have a plan before i actually want to put it in action. kinda weird to explain, but id feel so much relief if i just knew i could do xyz whenever i wanna depart and i'll be gone. like, i want to secure a gun rn even if i wont use it now, but at least its there when i want it. or secure any other method. but idk how to go about any of it. idk what method to pick, what would guarantee i ctb, how to acquire anything... it's so exhausting. i wish i went thru with it before. back in june, or years ago. i dont wanna have to relive months of depression before i can ctb. i wanna be able to do it the second i feel myself slipping back into it after my euphoric phase rn. i dont wanna have to live my entire life with highs and lows and lows that keep getting lower each time. i want it to end.
i want it to end the second i stop feeling so fucking happy and good. the second i get depressed again.
im borderline and might also be bipolar, although i havent yet checked. i have been going through deep depressive episodes that last from weeks to months straight for the past 6 years (at least), regularly, and that alternate with phases where i am the happiest ever, similar to (probably is) hypomania or mania, sometimes even too euphoric for my own good.
everytime i hit a depressive episode again all i want to do is to ctb. it is all i can think about. last may, it happened again. i got depressed for the first time in long, at least a year, because of the end of my relationship. ctb was the only thing on my mind, i started writing the notes, i was dead set on doing it by the end of june. but i kept procrastinating actually having a fully fleshed out plan, kept procrastinating finishing my notes to everyone, kept procrastinating trying to write some sort of "will"... and i was supposed to travel to visit family a day or two after. so i postponed it.
i stayed 2 months there with them. the entire time the only thing on my mind was ctb. extremely exhausting mental dialogue. i was just so fucking depressed and heartbroken, to the point i got hospitalized for a pseudo heart-attack i had out of nowhere to which the doctors couldn't find a physical cause so they said it was most likely emotional (di)stress-related. anyway. i couldnt do anything to make it go away, except setting another date and waiting it out. i picked september 11, i found it would be "funny" given that i am arab and all my friends make jokes like that with me. sorry if this is offensive lol, i know there's nothing funny with either ctb nor the tragedy, but that was my brain being dysfunctional at the time.
but then i got an appointment set on that date. a psychiatry appointment. i was looking for one for months because my then-gf had me do it, and she made me promise id find one and go to it after we broke up. so that fucked up my plans again. but its fine, i told myself, i can set another date. just postpone it a few more days.
wrong.
i came back to my country about 3 weeks ago. the first week i was still depressed. these past 2, way way less. like WAY less. objectively speaking, i might be hypo/manic again. not sleeping much if at all, having random sex with multiple different people, spending wayyy too much money on nothing but drinks at the bar (which i go to almost every day) and cigarettes and my FP (the gf i had, just dont like calling her my x), barely eating any "real" food, doing a lot of stuff very spontaneously (if not impulsively), having minor auditory hallucinations at times, deciding on a whim that i'm changing my uni major after 2 years of doing the same thing, and subsequently not giving a shit about failing my retake exams, blablabla.... u get the gist.
but so that means that i do not wanna ctb anymore. i'm HAPPY. im not thinking about it much if at all anymore. i feel good.
and i'm fucking mad about it.
because i have these bouts of self-awareness, like rn, where i can tell this is all just a PHASE. it will go away soon. i will hit rock bottom again soon. and each time i do, it hits ten times harder than the last. if my last dep ep was so bad that i finally signed up to this site after years of knowing of its existence, i imagine the next one will have me actually ctb. it's how its always been.
so i want to have a plan before i actually want to put it in action. kinda weird to explain, but id feel so much relief if i just knew i could do xyz whenever i wanna depart and i'll be gone. like, i want to secure a gun rn even if i wont use it now, but at least its there when i want it. or secure any other method. but idk how to go about any of it. idk what method to pick, what would guarantee i ctb, how to acquire anything... it's so exhausting. i wish i went thru with it before. back in june, or years ago. i dont wanna have to relive months of depression before i can ctb. i wanna be able to do it the second i feel myself slipping back into it after my euphoric phase rn. i dont wanna have to live my entire life with highs and lows and lows that keep getting lower each time. i want it to end.
i want it to end the second i stop feeling so fucking happy and good. the second i get depressed again.
