I was supposed to go by the end of May, but it got delayed from my condition & a mental hospitalization. I finally have given up on writing about my life to leave behind, because the process is making my depression & anxiety worse, and taking too much time, so I don't think it's worth it at this point. I also thought I could hang myself instead of my other desperate CTB method, so I was preparing for that.
Yesterday, I finally tested my set up for hanging from the bannister pulling down on the rope with my hands. I realized I would definitely have to do full suspension, standing on a box, and then stepping off it to hang from the bannister, which is scary, but it was even scarier because the nylon rope started to stretch and I also noticed that the rope would have to lean against the floor/ceiling underneath the bannister. which could end up collapsing on me during my actual hanging, especially because this house is very old & raggedy. I was very brave through out the testing process, having to put the end loop around my neck, and stand on the box, and all of that, so I know I would go thru with it, but I just don't trust the set up. If I try to hang myself, or even test it with my whole body weight the whole thing can collapse, and then I end up in big trouble with the owner of the house, and back in the mental hospital in a worse situation.
While I was testing everything, I thought I heard the guy I live with pull up in the driveway early from work. And I was so scared, I had to hurry up and put everything back, and remove the rope, while thinking he was going to catch me in the act, and know what I was trying to do. I was thinking maybe he had cameras in the house, and had seen me doing everything. I had a full blown panic attack, it took so long for my body to recover.
Now I have to prepare for my original CTB method, which is in a place I will have to leave the house for (I don't want to reveal the method), and it requires a lot of boldness, because of the location. I have to do it quick, and hope I don't get stopped, It won't be private, and I will have to do it very soon, if not this week, definitely next week before I run out of money for food. I feel scared & alone. Yesterday was very traumatizing. I've been living a disgusting nightmare, and I have to leave in a nightmare way. This is so unfair.
Yesterday, I finally tested my set up for hanging from the bannister pulling down on the rope with my hands. I realized I would definitely have to do full suspension, standing on a box, and then stepping off it to hang from the bannister, which is scary, but it was even scarier because the nylon rope started to stretch and I also noticed that the rope would have to lean against the floor/ceiling underneath the bannister. which could end up collapsing on me during my actual hanging, especially because this house is very old & raggedy. I was very brave through out the testing process, having to put the end loop around my neck, and stand on the box, and all of that, so I know I would go thru with it, but I just don't trust the set up. If I try to hang myself, or even test it with my whole body weight the whole thing can collapse, and then I end up in big trouble with the owner of the house, and back in the mental hospital in a worse situation.
While I was testing everything, I thought I heard the guy I live with pull up in the driveway early from work. And I was so scared, I had to hurry up and put everything back, and remove the rope, while thinking he was going to catch me in the act, and know what I was trying to do. I was thinking maybe he had cameras in the house, and had seen me doing everything. I had a full blown panic attack, it took so long for my body to recover.
Now I have to prepare for my original CTB method, which is in a place I will have to leave the house for (I don't want to reveal the method), and it requires a lot of boldness, because of the location. I have to do it quick, and hope I don't get stopped, It won't be private, and I will have to do it very soon, if not this week, definitely next week before I run out of money for food. I feel scared & alone. Yesterday was very traumatizing. I've been living a disgusting nightmare, and I have to leave in a nightmare way. This is so unfair.
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srry to hear that happend. Glad you were able to do some testing though to see how you'd feel but srry to hear that it turned out like that. 
