Venting My grief is a complete taboo, anyone else?

[freedompass]

You know some griefs/regrets are on a 'generally acceptable' continuum. Some make you seem like a good, even saintly person. Mine, I can't even divulge without seeming to cross some sort of invisible line. Well here goes, judge away I guess. I had an unplanned pregnancy which I would have aborted had I known. Yes, I'm a veteran of 3 abortions, no regrets about those, but I completely fucked up single parenthood to such a degree that my son says he doesn't feel like he has parents. I had severe psychotic manic episodes, my mum intervened but that didn't work out. My son feels alienated from our family. That said he's lived as pretty much a hikikomori at her house for the last 7 years.

But yeah the point of this post isn't to weep wail and gnash my teeth lol since I already do plenty of that. I am very sympathetic to antinatalist philosophy but they all think parents are the devil and rarely seem to acknowledge that 'accidents' happen all the time as do rape babies and so on. If I come out and say I wish I hadn't given birth, or wish I had been aborted myself I will be jumped on. Generally people seem pretty averse to hearing this stuff. Then many will find me cold, unnatural, a (shock horror)'bad mother'. No recognition that I had very limited choice in the matter especially given how mentally unstable I was at the time.

Well, it doesn't mean I don't crave and desire some sort of relationship with my only child. I don't know if he will ever forgive me or see me as a fallible human being rather than some sort of abandoning demon. He's 26 by the way.

So yeah. It's hard to share honestly. Actually in my situation I am actively BLAMED and PUNISHED for being honest. I am wrong for ever saying I regret having been a parent. You just can't do that. I saw the massive backlash received by a guy who shared on reddit regretting parenthood and admitting to not liking his 5 year old daughter. Comments were full of people saying how they had been messed up for life by feeling unwanted by their parents and telling the guy to get therapy or give up the child for adoption. In the end I commented saying look my mum at least very much wanted me but I would have preferred to be aborted, I am still as fucked up as all hell!

Feel free to share here what you can't elsewhere!

 

[Oblivion Access]

I have antinatalist sympathies but I don't think parents are the devil, as much as I might resent them sometimes, especially nowadays given what awaits the kids born now when they're my age, but in the end, we humans aren't really rational actors and many factors can push one into parenthood against their better judgement, it happens, we have to deal with it and give the children the best life possible.

It is very sad how little understanding and sympathy there can be for people in your position. If anything we need more people like you feeling empowered to speak out about parenting regrets. I'm sure being disconnected from and seeing your child suffer is a very heavy weight to bear.

I'm also sure if my mother knew the misery and lifestyle I'd be subjected to because of the way I am and the way I see things, she would've acted differently, but getting pregnant young and being pressured by religious family makes it a rough hand to play to say the least. I doubt she'll take my death well, but I'm too through with life to care, I cannot imagine another year living as me in this world, with each one that goes by, existing becomes more and more unbearable.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Yeah, it's hard to be honest about those kinds of feelings in any public arena. Or, even in a private arena with family and such. I can understand how it would be hard for a child to understand. I know for many years throughout childhood, parents are thought of as "perfect" and "infallible". It's supposed to go away as the child matures and sees that their parents aren't perfect human beings. Maybe he needs to make some more mistakes first in his life to get to that realization. I don't know.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Feel free to share here what you can't elsewhere!

Thank you. I've only posted a couple of messages and never really feel comfortable talking about myself on here.

I'm here because of a complicated net of trash. I'll see if I can somehow make a meme about it.

 

[RealLostSoul]

As long as it fits within societies terms you get sympathy else not. I am in chronic grief that's getting worse the older I become because it's 3 years since I've been able to see my SO, no one gets though that there is nobody else for me because normally people get over death of a loved one. Idk I am abnormal in that regards and I will be in symbiosis with the misery till the last day. It's okay to be neruodiverse or have causes and symptoms that don't fit in any regular way of societal view of mental illness and or other psychological processes. Sometimes it's just odd. Oddities exist. That's why I am here

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I wish I didn't have chronic pain that makes me feel the need to die. But I suppose, if my chronic pain was always destined to happen, then wishing I didn't have chronic pain is the same as wishing I was never born, or wishing that my Mum aborted me.

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people really are so cruel and insensitive, and I just think that many people do not really understand as they are not in your situation. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I'm sorry that you have suffered so much. I wish you the best.

 

[ormaybeyoucouldchill]

A large part of my grief is a complete taboo, as well. It's why I don't talk to anyone about it other than my therapist. If you haven't tried therapy, maybe that's something to consider?

 

[Darkover]

i wish i wasn't born and my mum had aborted me, do the right thing don't bring children into this crule world adopt a child if you really want to have children

 

[Foresight]

I appreciate your honesty and self awareness in it all. That should be commended. I feel for you and your son. Life is hard. Mistakes are made.

 

[FallingGrace]

How are you still able to regret not getting an abortion 26 years after the fact? Is it because of the man he became?

 

[freedompass]

How are you still able to regret not getting an abortion 26 years after the fact? Is it because of the man he became?

I still regret it because it still affects me emotionally so much every single day. Having a kid does that, like nothing else. As if dealing with my own pain isn't enough i now have to watch him struggle and suffer. Parenthood isn't something you can shrug off. There's a desire to have some kind of relationship. I honestly don't know if that will ever happen. The bottom line is this. Some, I would say many, people should never have kids and I was emphatically one.

I appreciate your honesty and self awareness in it all. That should be commended. I feel for you and your son. Life is hard. Mistakes are made.

Thank you. Agreed. My hope is that one day and especially if he is ever a parent himself he will understand how hard it is. On second thoughts I actually hope tbh that he never has to understand.

A large part of my grief is a complete taboo, as well. It's why I don't talk to anyone about it other than my therapist. If you haven't tried therapy, maybe that's something to consider?

I've had a shit ton of therapy and counselling over the years, having been pretty much a professional psychiatric patient. I would find it relieving in the short term (as talking to someone usually is) but rarely effective in bringing about lasting change. Actually it's one of those things where sometimes the more I talk about it the worse it gets . I always wake up depressed. I am currently trying to 'recover' to a degree where life is at least bearable, liveable since I have resigned myself to being unable to ctb for a long time yet. There's also the fear that I might NEVER be able to go through with it. This is not a life and this is not living.

 

[freedompass]

I have antinatalist sympathies but I don't think parents are the devil, as much as I might resent them sometimes, especially nowadays given what awaits the kids born now when they're my age, but in the end, we humans aren't really rational actors and many factors can push one into parenthood against their better judgement, it happens, we have to deal with it and give the children the best life possible.

It is very sad how little understanding and sympathy there can be for people in your position. If anything we need more people like you feeling empowered to speak out about parenting regrets. I'm sure being disconnected from and seeing your child suffer is a very heavy weight to bear.

I'm also sure if my mother knew the misery and lifestyle I'd be subjected to because of the way I am and the way I see things, she would've acted differently, but getting pregnant young and being pressured by religious family makes it a rough hand to play to say the least. I doubt she'll take my death well, but I'm too through with life to care, I cannot imagine another year living as me in this world, with each one that goes by, existing becomes more and more unbearable.

Yeah in some ways you can say if more people speak up about how dreadful parenthood can be (especially when unplanned) perhaps it will filter down to more young people and encourage them to avoid it. Of course if you are going to have sex you have to be responsible since no doctor will perform a sterilisation on a young woman. Not sure what their position is on young men having vasectomies. Disgusting pro life society. Anyway I just meant to say I appreciate your empathy and understanding even though since I feel like a pos for existing, I feel I don't deserve it.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Sounds a lil bit like being shizoid. Have you talked with a doctor.?

 

[everhopeless]

You know some griefs/regrets are on a 'generally acceptable' continuum. Some make you seem like a good, even saintly person. Mine, I can't even divulge without seeming to cross some sort of invisible line. Well here goes, judge away I guess. I had an unplanned pregnancy which I would have aborted had I known. Yes, I'm a veteran of 3 abortions, no regrets about those, but I completely fucked up single parenthood to such a degree that my son says he doesn't feel like he has parents. I had severe psychotic manic episodes, my mum intervened but that didn't work out. My son feels alienated from our family. That said he's lived as pretty much a hikikomori at her house for the last 7 years.

But yeah the point of this post isn't to weep wail and gnash my teeth lol since I already do plenty of that. I am very sympathetic to antinatalist philosophy but they all think parents are the devil and rarely seem to acknowledge that 'accidents' happen all the time as do rape babies and so on. If I come out and say I wish I hadn't given birth, or wish I had been aborted myself I will be jumped on. Generally people seem pretty averse to hearing this stuff. Then many will find me cold, unnatural, a (shock horror)'bad mother'. No recognition that I had very limited choice in the matter especially given how mentally unstable I was at the time.

Well, it doesn't mean I don't crave and desire some sort of relationship with my only child. I don't know if he will ever forgive me or see me as a fallible human being rather than some sort of abandoning demon. He's 26 by the way.

So yeah. It's hard to share honestly. Actually in my situation I am actively BLAMED and PUNISHED for being honest. I am wrong for ever saying I regret having been a parent. You just can't do that. I saw the massive backlash received by a guy who shared on reddit regretting parenthood and admitting to not liking his 5 year old daughter. Comments were full of people saying how they had been messed up for life by feeling unwanted by their parents and telling the guy to get therapy or give up the child for adoption. In the end I commented saying look my mum at least very much wanted me but I would have preferred to be aborted, I am still as fucked up as all hell!

Feel free to share here what you can't elsewhere!

I support your right to grieve and to share without worrying if it's socially acceptable. Some people who act socially acceptable are such dishonest assholes.

26 is young. You never know what will happen down the road. Peace.