annointed_towers
I’ll cross my heart, I’ll hope to die
- Dec 9, 2022
- 378
I was in therapy since 6th grade. I told them all what was happening. No one used words like trauma, abuse, neglect, CPTSD until my late 20s.
they said it was a anxiety and maybe autism for being very sensitive and monotone and dry and into a few things with great depth, for speaking with wisdom and articulation that did not match my age. I had good reason to be anxious and if I had any autistic symptoms it's because I had no friends, very little family and spent all my time alone in a room watching TV for adults and reading books and magazines beyond my grade level. I was entirely socialized by media and especially the written word.
when I encountered suffering I could not accept, pain I could not accept, inhumanity I could not accept, existential questions with no resolution, the collapse of my ideological and religious and even political beliefs, I was told I was delusional and had religious psychosis because I kept talking in circles.
then I reached the pot of gold — the end of therapy. when they had nothing else to offer. radical acceptance.
I stopped going to therapy because situation was so unusual that it was basically without precedent for therapists, residential programs, intensive therapy group homes.
my rumination was not stopped by psych meds because my rumination was not caused by mental pathology. it was caused by disorientation, nervous system collapse and moral outrage. but they made me try every anti psychotic on the market. and said I had religious psychosis and a delusional disorder.
I've been in several mental hospitals and most of the programming was unstructured, lots of arts and crafts. which I didn't mind but then you get a bill for what insurance didn't cover and your crappy water color starts looking pretty expensive.
even the best place was mostly largely unmediated group therapy, our different versions of being traumatized, stuck in a loop, realizing we had been lied to, betrayed. I learned some helpful vocabulary and concepts but not ultimately applicable to the life of a disabled person with chronic pain. heard a lot that I was an inspiration and a thoughtful, insightful, kind person. it was nice i guess but didn't really help me. ate a ton of free snacks. got my money's worth.
eventually my last psychiatrist said — I've come to the conclusion you are not schizophrenic or delusional you are just angry and in pain.
he took me off all medication but we continued to talk monthly as a kind of check in for accountability and safety, for venting.
then I missed appointment one day because I was in a lot of pain and also my ride canceled that day. I could not pay the cancellation fee. could not schedule another appointment until I could afford it. it was going to be a while I said.
within a week or so he dropped me from his roster for failure to pay the fee.
I no longer see anyone for anything.
they said it was a anxiety and maybe autism for being very sensitive and monotone and dry and into a few things with great depth, for speaking with wisdom and articulation that did not match my age. I had good reason to be anxious and if I had any autistic symptoms it's because I had no friends, very little family and spent all my time alone in a room watching TV for adults and reading books and magazines beyond my grade level. I was entirely socialized by media and especially the written word.
when I encountered suffering I could not accept, pain I could not accept, inhumanity I could not accept, existential questions with no resolution, the collapse of my ideological and religious and even political beliefs, I was told I was delusional and had religious psychosis because I kept talking in circles.
then I reached the pot of gold — the end of therapy. when they had nothing else to offer. radical acceptance.
I stopped going to therapy because situation was so unusual that it was basically without precedent for therapists, residential programs, intensive therapy group homes.
my rumination was not stopped by psych meds because my rumination was not caused by mental pathology. it was caused by disorientation, nervous system collapse and moral outrage. but they made me try every anti psychotic on the market. and said I had religious psychosis and a delusional disorder.
I've been in several mental hospitals and most of the programming was unstructured, lots of arts and crafts. which I didn't mind but then you get a bill for what insurance didn't cover and your crappy water color starts looking pretty expensive.
even the best place was mostly largely unmediated group therapy, our different versions of being traumatized, stuck in a loop, realizing we had been lied to, betrayed. I learned some helpful vocabulary and concepts but not ultimately applicable to the life of a disabled person with chronic pain. heard a lot that I was an inspiration and a thoughtful, insightful, kind person. it was nice i guess but didn't really help me. ate a ton of free snacks. got my money's worth.
eventually my last psychiatrist said — I've come to the conclusion you are not schizophrenic or delusional you are just angry and in pain.
he took me off all medication but we continued to talk monthly as a kind of check in for accountability and safety, for venting.
then I missed appointment one day because I was in a lot of pain and also my ride canceled that day. I could not pay the cancellation fee. could not schedule another appointment until I could afford it. it was going to be a while I said.
within a week or so he dropped me from his roster for failure to pay the fee.
I no longer see anyone for anything.
