MentalPollution
I’ve completely lost my sanity
- Jun 26, 2022
- 21
Welp everyone. This thread's probably gonna get buried but doesn't matter.
I've decided to leave this world, once and for all. I originally wanted to wait until September to use my SN, but I can't do it anymore:
the pain, the suffering, and the dread have become unbearable for me, and I think my time has come. Since this community has helped me a lot,
I will try to give some information and share my personal experience because I feel like this is the minimum I can do.
---USEFUL INFORMATION
I will go out by partial hanging. I'm using a 1-meter metallic rope, tied on both ends with a slipknot.
I will attach one part of the knot around this drawer's knob, in the hotel room I'm currently staying in, and pressure downwards with my neck, making sure the other end of the knot exercises pressure on my carotid artery, below Adam's apple. To make sure it was safe to use this anchor, I decided to run a 30 minutes stress test for the drawer, knob, and rope, mostly to see if the contraption could handle my chunky 85 kg body at the dead weight.
Here is my personal experience with it:
as time passed, my vision started getting more and more blurred out, occasionally fading to gray. After some time my eyes became half-red and I started feeling drowsy. At this point I was alive only because I was trying to not pass out (by also writing in the general chit-chat), and because I kept my eyes wide open; every time I closed them, even for half a second, I felt like I was falling asleep. I'm 99% sure that if I try to do the same process, but letting myself rest and with my eyes closed, it will be game over for me. Weirdly enough, my SI (Survival Instinct) didn't do anything to save me, so I guess it's nice, right?
---
I will try to protect this site by deleting everything tied to it on all my devices: cache, history, passwords, etc.
---PERSONAL STUFF
After writing this thread I'll tidy up my room, pack my bags (I was supposed to come back from holiday tomorrow), have a nice shower, brush my teeth, and my hair, and clean my skin with a cleaning lotion and a hydrating cream. After everything's done, I will ctb, I thought of my last songs, and found three:
- "My heart will stop in joy" - I chose this song because it gives off a strong feeling of "I'm ready to accept my death"
- "One more time" - This song is all about freedom, something that I've been negated for a lot of time during my life
- "A losing battle is raging" - this song revolves around the theme of inner war. All the time there is this contrast and clashing between instruments. My favorite moment is when near the end, the only instrumental left is the main melody that slowly fades out as if the final soldier of this battle was dying.
I'm feeling kind of guilty at the thought that I'm breaking my family's trust of letting me stay alone in a room by ctb in said room, but the pain is unbearable for me. I can't do this anymore. My friends all left me because I wasn't worth their time, if not for passing school work n stuff. My family always blamed it on either me or other bs, as if they were the perfect people that never made mistakes. I'm choosing to go now not only because it's the perfect time, but also because I recently discovered that I'm going to lose my memory, due to some disease I have in my brain. This is basically life telling me to "gtfo". Okay life, I take my cue and leave.
---FINAL THANKS AND CONCLUSION
I want to thank the community of SaSu for helping me get through these two weeks. Everyone turned out to be nice and friendly, and I really had a nice time.
I would like to thank all of those who talked with me and told me kind words; I'm not going to mention them here because I don't want them to get in trouble, but I think they know I'm talking about them.
Thank you, people, thanks to you I finally felt part of a group and of a community. I agree that we met under unfortunate circumstances, but it was fun 'til it lasted. Please keep going strong and take care. I hope you can find an end to your sufferings and find some peace, at last.
As a final request, I would like to ask the moderators for a favor: if I don't come back to this forum for a minimum of 1-2 weeks, please ban me (the kind of ban that gives agray name-tag with a strike out). Unless I'm a vegetable/locked up with no phone nor internet access, or dead, I will find a way to log in and say even a simple "hi".
Thank you everyone for the help and for the time. I really hope I left a good impact, somehow. I tried being polite, nice, and mostly present for basically everyone I've interacted with. If there happens to be an afterlife, hope we'll meet there (even tho I'm an atheist). Until then, this is Hajime, saying goodbye to this world.
"Goodbye Beijing" - me, never
"Music's got me feelin' so free" - Daft Punk, "One More Time"
Goodbye
--Hajime "MentalPollution"
I've decided to leave this world, once and for all. I originally wanted to wait until September to use my SN, but I can't do it anymore:
the pain, the suffering, and the dread have become unbearable for me, and I think my time has come. Since this community has helped me a lot,
I will try to give some information and share my personal experience because I feel like this is the minimum I can do.
---USEFUL INFORMATION
I will go out by partial hanging. I'm using a 1-meter metallic rope, tied on both ends with a slipknot.
I will attach one part of the knot around this drawer's knob, in the hotel room I'm currently staying in, and pressure downwards with my neck, making sure the other end of the knot exercises pressure on my carotid artery, below Adam's apple. To make sure it was safe to use this anchor, I decided to run a 30 minutes stress test for the drawer, knob, and rope, mostly to see if the contraption could handle my chunky 85 kg body at the dead weight.
Here is my personal experience with it:
as time passed, my vision started getting more and more blurred out, occasionally fading to gray. After some time my eyes became half-red and I started feeling drowsy. At this point I was alive only because I was trying to not pass out (by also writing in the general chit-chat), and because I kept my eyes wide open; every time I closed them, even for half a second, I felt like I was falling asleep. I'm 99% sure that if I try to do the same process, but letting myself rest and with my eyes closed, it will be game over for me. Weirdly enough, my SI (Survival Instinct) didn't do anything to save me, so I guess it's nice, right?
---
I will try to protect this site by deleting everything tied to it on all my devices: cache, history, passwords, etc.
---PERSONAL STUFF
After writing this thread I'll tidy up my room, pack my bags (I was supposed to come back from holiday tomorrow), have a nice shower, brush my teeth, and my hair, and clean my skin with a cleaning lotion and a hydrating cream. After everything's done, I will ctb, I thought of my last songs, and found three:
- "My heart will stop in joy" - I chose this song because it gives off a strong feeling of "I'm ready to accept my death"
- "One more time" - This song is all about freedom, something that I've been negated for a lot of time during my life
- "A losing battle is raging" - this song revolves around the theme of inner war. All the time there is this contrast and clashing between instruments. My favorite moment is when near the end, the only instrumental left is the main melody that slowly fades out as if the final soldier of this battle was dying.
I'm feeling kind of guilty at the thought that I'm breaking my family's trust of letting me stay alone in a room by ctb in said room, but the pain is unbearable for me. I can't do this anymore. My friends all left me because I wasn't worth their time, if not for passing school work n stuff. My family always blamed it on either me or other bs, as if they were the perfect people that never made mistakes. I'm choosing to go now not only because it's the perfect time, but also because I recently discovered that I'm going to lose my memory, due to some disease I have in my brain. This is basically life telling me to "gtfo". Okay life, I take my cue and leave.
---FINAL THANKS AND CONCLUSION
I want to thank the community of SaSu for helping me get through these two weeks. Everyone turned out to be nice and friendly, and I really had a nice time.
I would like to thank all of those who talked with me and told me kind words; I'm not going to mention them here because I don't want them to get in trouble, but I think they know I'm talking about them.
Thank you, people, thanks to you I finally felt part of a group and of a community. I agree that we met under unfortunate circumstances, but it was fun 'til it lasted. Please keep going strong and take care. I hope you can find an end to your sufferings and find some peace, at last.
As a final request, I would like to ask the moderators for a favor: if I don't come back to this forum for a minimum of 1-2 weeks, please ban me (the kind of ban that gives a
Thank you everyone for the help and for the time. I really hope I left a good impact, somehow. I tried being polite, nice, and mostly present for basically everyone I've interacted with. If there happens to be an afterlife, hope we'll meet there (even tho I'm an atheist). Until then, this is Hajime, saying goodbye to this world.
"Goodbye Beijing" - me, never
"Music's got me feelin' so free" - Daft Punk, "One More Time"
Goodbye
--Hajime "MentalPollution"
