ManicPanic2018
Night of the final day
- Sep 11, 2022
- 182
To the wonderful members of this forum,
It's time for me to say my goodbyes. While I've only been here for 3 weeks I feel incredibly grateful to have had the space and company to process and figure out what has lead me to my final destination. I'm fortunate to have had the privilege to leave my tiny little mark on this place, despite being just one tear in the rain that is each of us here thinking about or planning to end our lives.
To anyone who's ever had a chat with me, stuck a reaction on one of my many complaints, or has in any way taken the time to listen to me whine, I thank you. The situation I've found myself in is something that has left me feeling like traveller from another planet with no one I could possibly relate to. A 6ft6 trans woman who's gender reassignment surgery left mutilated and unable to do so many of the things she wanted to in life. Not many support groups come up for that when you stick it into google. So I'm grateful to you all for having me here to listen to what any other community would ostracise me for.
I won't lie, it's been a hell of a ride to get to this point. I originally thought 25 or 27 were going to be the ages that got me, but making it to 30 just doesn't feel right knowing that I'd not last long after that. I fought tooth and fucking nail for many years for at least the taste of what it could be like to have a content life away from the nightmare that is being a woman stuck in a man's body. But sadly for me, one of the most important pieces of the puzzle, my ability to be intimate with another person in the ways of a woman, was taken from me by a surgeon who I put my unconditional trust in to make me feel complete.
Before I discovered this site, my original plan was to build a pipe shotgun, order some shells from the darknet, walk into this guy's office and blow his face off, followed by my own head. Coming here and discovering SN has now at least given me the chance of having a good death. One not driven by revenge or anger, but one of peace.
I've had enough time now while I've waited for my exit plan to finally come together, and I have come to one final conclusion after a lot of thought.
I've decided to forgive the man who mutilated me and took the one thing I ever wanted to feel complete away from me. This man never meant for this to happen, I'm sure he would be horrified if he ever discovered this is how I ended up. He may be an incompetent hack, but I'm sure he tried his best for me.
Because you know what, I straight up fucking refuse to let the cycle of hatred and anger that has been my life follow me into my end. I screamed at the universe for years and years about how unfair all of this felt until I couldn't scream at all any more. How much of a joke my creator must have been to put me in this body, give me hope that I could make it work and live a fulfilled life, and then rip it away from me right as it started to fall into my hands. But I have no room in me left for anger or hatred anymore. I refuse for those emotion to determine how my life ends.
Instead, I'm going to the next adventure head first and not looking back. I have spent my final days doing nothing but my favourite things. Spending time with my family who I love dearly. Making art to the best music. Watching my favourite TV shows and movies one last time. And at 12AM tonight, I will start my goodbye. I'll be in my comfortable flat with my coloured lights all set up and looking pretty, in the comfiest bed I've ever had, under a nice warm blanket while I drink my SN. I'll quickly be unconscious and by this time tomorrow, I'll be in the great unknown.
While it would be easy for me to have a pity party for my situation, I've done it enough times now to the point where there's just nothing left to say. Instead, I'll be free from suffering, free from the constant envy of not being a woman which has plagued my brain like a cancer for my every waking moment of the past 11 years, free of this piece of shit body, which as long as my requests are carried out, will be burnt to ash so that I no longer have to be a prisoner in this realm.
I think the universe is far too crazy for this to just simply be it. When I'm gone I'm going to go explore the hell out of it, be one with it, finally be home and finally be free.
Before I go, I want to share my one piece of advice that's gotten me this far in life. And this applies to any of you, whether you fear death and want to recover, or whether you just want out as I do.
When you get knocked down, you get the fuck back up. You get knocked down seven times, you stand back up eight. You get knocked down hard by life but you want to live? You stand back up, brush yourself off and say in return "You hit like a bitch". Desperate to be free of this endless cycle of suffering? Face the void. There is nothing to fear from death if you truly believe it to be the right decision for you.
Before you depressed bastards start getting encouraged to jump into the abyss, I always recommend at least sticking it out for as long as you can. As shit as my life has been since coming to terms with my surgery results, and from the living the nightmare that is being a hulking trans woman for even longer, I've at least been able to have some bloody good memories along the way, and made some incredible friends. Sometimes being in a human suit can be kinda fun at times.
But sadly for me, not being able to receive my own physical pleasure during sex is the biggest reason I'll be dying tonight. When I did have those moments of giving pleasure to other people, and had the ecstasy of being intimate with another human being, even better when you're so deeply in love, they were some of the best memories of my life. So please, in honour of my memory and the things I am not able to do, go out and have a good time, fuck someone you love, fuck them hard, enjoy one of the best parts of being human and never, ever let go.
My name was Zoey. Sadly I won't post my surname out of respect for my family and the chances this may come up on a google search. I was a talented young woman; a good artist, a talented writer, a pretty alright programmer and I hope to many, a good friend. Had I a bit better luck in the gender and mental health department when I was born, I would have been unstoppable. Maybe on the next go round I will be.
Or maybe, once I have finally passed away, I'm just gonna vibe in the void for a little while and enjoy some time away from being in a conscious body. The constant highs and lows of my life have given me many good stories to tell, but god damn, I could do with a good, long rest right now.
Look after yourselves, and each other.
My love to you all, stay strong and don't forget: Keep getting back up when you get knocked down. Never settle. Keep going until you collapse. Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Prove any asshole who doubts you wrong, hold your loved ones tight and never, ever let go.
My love to you all, now and forever.
ManicPanic2018 xxxx
It's time for me to say my goodbyes. While I've only been here for 3 weeks I feel incredibly grateful to have had the space and company to process and figure out what has lead me to my final destination. I'm fortunate to have had the privilege to leave my tiny little mark on this place, despite being just one tear in the rain that is each of us here thinking about or planning to end our lives.
To anyone who's ever had a chat with me, stuck a reaction on one of my many complaints, or has in any way taken the time to listen to me whine, I thank you. The situation I've found myself in is something that has left me feeling like traveller from another planet with no one I could possibly relate to. A 6ft6 trans woman who's gender reassignment surgery left mutilated and unable to do so many of the things she wanted to in life. Not many support groups come up for that when you stick it into google. So I'm grateful to you all for having me here to listen to what any other community would ostracise me for.
I won't lie, it's been a hell of a ride to get to this point. I originally thought 25 or 27 were going to be the ages that got me, but making it to 30 just doesn't feel right knowing that I'd not last long after that. I fought tooth and fucking nail for many years for at least the taste of what it could be like to have a content life away from the nightmare that is being a woman stuck in a man's body. But sadly for me, one of the most important pieces of the puzzle, my ability to be intimate with another person in the ways of a woman, was taken from me by a surgeon who I put my unconditional trust in to make me feel complete.
Before I discovered this site, my original plan was to build a pipe shotgun, order some shells from the darknet, walk into this guy's office and blow his face off, followed by my own head. Coming here and discovering SN has now at least given me the chance of having a good death. One not driven by revenge or anger, but one of peace.
I've had enough time now while I've waited for my exit plan to finally come together, and I have come to one final conclusion after a lot of thought.
I've decided to forgive the man who mutilated me and took the one thing I ever wanted to feel complete away from me. This man never meant for this to happen, I'm sure he would be horrified if he ever discovered this is how I ended up. He may be an incompetent hack, but I'm sure he tried his best for me.
Because you know what, I straight up fucking refuse to let the cycle of hatred and anger that has been my life follow me into my end. I screamed at the universe for years and years about how unfair all of this felt until I couldn't scream at all any more. How much of a joke my creator must have been to put me in this body, give me hope that I could make it work and live a fulfilled life, and then rip it away from me right as it started to fall into my hands. But I have no room in me left for anger or hatred anymore. I refuse for those emotion to determine how my life ends.
Instead, I'm going to the next adventure head first and not looking back. I have spent my final days doing nothing but my favourite things. Spending time with my family who I love dearly. Making art to the best music. Watching my favourite TV shows and movies one last time. And at 12AM tonight, I will start my goodbye. I'll be in my comfortable flat with my coloured lights all set up and looking pretty, in the comfiest bed I've ever had, under a nice warm blanket while I drink my SN. I'll quickly be unconscious and by this time tomorrow, I'll be in the great unknown.
While it would be easy for me to have a pity party for my situation, I've done it enough times now to the point where there's just nothing left to say. Instead, I'll be free from suffering, free from the constant envy of not being a woman which has plagued my brain like a cancer for my every waking moment of the past 11 years, free of this piece of shit body, which as long as my requests are carried out, will be burnt to ash so that I no longer have to be a prisoner in this realm.
I think the universe is far too crazy for this to just simply be it. When I'm gone I'm going to go explore the hell out of it, be one with it, finally be home and finally be free.
Before I go, I want to share my one piece of advice that's gotten me this far in life. And this applies to any of you, whether you fear death and want to recover, or whether you just want out as I do.
When you get knocked down, you get the fuck back up. You get knocked down seven times, you stand back up eight. You get knocked down hard by life but you want to live? You stand back up, brush yourself off and say in return "You hit like a bitch". Desperate to be free of this endless cycle of suffering? Face the void. There is nothing to fear from death if you truly believe it to be the right decision for you.
Before you depressed bastards start getting encouraged to jump into the abyss, I always recommend at least sticking it out for as long as you can. As shit as my life has been since coming to terms with my surgery results, and from the living the nightmare that is being a hulking trans woman for even longer, I've at least been able to have some bloody good memories along the way, and made some incredible friends. Sometimes being in a human suit can be kinda fun at times.
But sadly for me, not being able to receive my own physical pleasure during sex is the biggest reason I'll be dying tonight. When I did have those moments of giving pleasure to other people, and had the ecstasy of being intimate with another human being, even better when you're so deeply in love, they were some of the best memories of my life. So please, in honour of my memory and the things I am not able to do, go out and have a good time, fuck someone you love, fuck them hard, enjoy one of the best parts of being human and never, ever let go.
My name was Zoey. Sadly I won't post my surname out of respect for my family and the chances this may come up on a google search. I was a talented young woman; a good artist, a talented writer, a pretty alright programmer and I hope to many, a good friend. Had I a bit better luck in the gender and mental health department when I was born, I would have been unstoppable. Maybe on the next go round I will be.
Or maybe, once I have finally passed away, I'm just gonna vibe in the void for a little while and enjoy some time away from being in a conscious body. The constant highs and lows of my life have given me many good stories to tell, but god damn, I could do with a good, long rest right now.
Look after yourselves, and each other.
My love to you all, stay strong and don't forget: Keep getting back up when you get knocked down. Never settle. Keep going until you collapse. Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Prove any asshole who doubts you wrong, hold your loved ones tight and never, ever let go.
My love to you all, now and forever.
ManicPanic2018 xxxx
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