My friends are great and idk why they like me

[Housefly]

It's been a while SaSu. I've been bouncing the line of instinct and ideation for a long time. I'm guessing the reason I'm back here is because of the latter.

This is going to be a rant/ advice thingy so some back ground.

I really love my friends. All girls, went to the same schools or church and it's all I ever wanted out of friendships. They are fun, talented, skilled, sociable, traveled, motivated, pretty PRETTY girls. Everything they do seems so cool to me even if it's them talking about "bed rotting" (them taking a day off) . It dawned on me today that I don't want to just be associated with them. I want to be them.

I'm a little obsessed maybe. A NEET loser with no ambitions. Not really into seeing the world, no point. Very bad resting bitch face, my sister said I look angry all the time. Likeable enough to keep them but little else. Boring. Unskilled, unmotivated to try. What would be the point? At least when I had a job I was on a schedule and I could gab about work and add to discussions. But I don't have anything now.

They aren't just one type of girl either. All are really good at their own thing and then here I am pretending to be anything like them. We did a girls day in thing recently and it was a positive experience. I'm such a baby I cried the more I think about how seriously stupid I look compared to them, how clingy i must seem for their attention. Good at nothing and not motivated to try either. If I even complained to them it would be everything I did. They seem to be so with it and happy and likeable. Of course they are. Why wouldn't they be perfect. I managed to sneak my way in and I'm waiting to be found out to be a fraud.

I had every opportunity afforded to me and I still can't seem to do it. I had the most supportive people cheering me on and I still couldn't muster up anything. A lost loser with not enough pride to die while they still like me. I don't want to cut them off for their own good or I'll be lonely. Add selfish to the list. I wouldn't blame them at all.

What is the point anymore? Well this is the recovery side. I think I want to get better. I have no idea what better looks like for me since I never planned to get this far in the first place.

This is my life i fear. Every time i think I'm doing OK I'm a half step away from tumbling right back.

Fyi i quit meds cold turkey with no plans to return but i also don't know what to do.
Just a silly housefly waiting to be swatted at the moment they notice.

 

[Izzythebelle]

I feel like I was called out personally with this post lol. I've compared myself to my friends and remember thinking everything you're thinking, especially the imposter syndrome and feeling like you snuck into this group you don't belong in.

For what it's worth, I didn't think I'd make it this far in life either, so I'm figuring this shit out in real time lol. Something I learned for myself is that "better" doesn't always feel good. Sometimes it feels like shit because I gotta face whatever I've been running or hiding from myself and that fucking blows. But afterwards I never have to think about it again, or it gets easier to think about. Feeling like you don't belong gets smaller and smaller once I started asking myself "why" over and over and over again like some pissy toddler lmao.

Here to chat if you need a friendly ear.