Story My first "attempt"

[Gloomislost]

I remember my first CTB attempt. I was really young and tried hanging with a shoe lace until I stopped because it hurt and other reasons. Do you remember your first attempt?

 

[olearius]

I remember my first CTB attempt. I was really young and tried hanging with a shoe lace until I stopped because it hurt and other reasons. Do you remember your first attempt?

I do. Suicidality looks very different in young children than adults. So often it's a desperate need to escape or not wake, without understanding the implications, or knowing what death is.

When I was four, I climbed out of my window onto a two food wide ledge. I lived on the fourth floor of an apartment complex. I was going to jump. I can't remember what changed my mind. All I knew was I could get away if I jump.

 

[Gloomislost]

I do. Suicidality looks very different in young children than adults. So often it's a desperate need to escape or not wake, without understanding the implications, or knowing what death is.

When I was four, I climbed out of my window onto a two food wide ledge. I lived on the fourth floor of an apartment complex. I was going to jump. I can't remember what changed my mind. All I knew was I could get away if I jump.

It's so wild to think that even kids will choose to CTB.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hello, I remember part of it. My first attempt was about ten years ago. I ingested a lot of rat poison, and could not remember what happened after. My memory of that time is so fuzzy and distant now. I still remember the horrible feeling.

 

[olearius]

It's so wild to think that even kids will choose to CTB.

I have no idea how common it is. No kid should feel so desperate they want to ctb though.

But I was adopted into a horribly abusive home after being in an abusive foster care situation. I experienced pretty profound neglect and physical/emotional abuse. It's all I've ever known.

 

[Gloomislost]

Hello, I remember part of it. My first attempt was about ten years ago. I ingested a lot of rat poison, and could not remember what happened after. My memory of that time is so fuzzy and distant now. I still remember the horrible feeling.

Im curious now, how did it feel? like, was it really painful?

I have no idea how common it is. No kid should feel so desperate they want to ctb though.

But I was adopted into a horribly abusive home after being in an abusive foster care situation. I experienced pretty profound neglect and physical/emotional abuse. It's all I've ever known.

I can't fully relate but I did experience a similar situation with my mom leaving me with her friend's family while she ran off to feed her addiction. That family was so shitty.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

yeah I just tool a bunch of antibiotics. not sure why I thought they could kill me- they obviously did nothing.

around the same time i also OD'd on antidepressants. again, nothing happened though I guess I was lucky to not experience serotonin syndrome.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Im curious now, how did it feel? like, was it really painful?

It was very painful in my opinion, the vomiting was most painful that I can still remember, it happened immediately. It was a bad idea, I was a silly child. It makes your head spin!

 

[Gloomislost]

yeah I just tool a bunch of antibiotics. not sure why I thought they could kill me- they obviously did nothing.

around the same time i also OD'd on antidepressants. again, nothing happened though I guess I was lucky to not experience serotonin syndrome.

I wanted to try ODing on Tylenol when I was younger but my aunt got to the pills before I could.

It was very painful in my opinion, the vomiting was most painful that I can still remember, it happened immediately. It was a bad idea, I was a silly child. It makes your head spin!

That does sound horrible omg. especially the vomiting.

 

[Pearl]

When I was in elementary school, I tried drinking a bottle of fountain pen ink that my parents had, it was really bitter so I stopped, nothing really happened. I was as much a coward back then as I am now.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I wanted to try ODing on Tylenol when I was younger but my aunt got to the pills before I could.

from what I understand Tylenol OD is a drawn out and painful death so I'm glad you didn't have to suffer through that at the very least. did your aunt know what you were going to do with them?

 

[Gloomislost]

When I was in elementary school, I tried drinking a bottle of fountain pen ink that my parents had, it was really bitter so I stopped, nothing really happened. I was as much a coward back then as I am now.

That's honestly one of the unique things I've ever heard lol.

 

[Lam1dz]

my first attempt i was around 13 or less i tried hanging i supposed to be home alone for first mins then i did it and the SI started to kick in while that mom came from the nowhere and she stoped that so it was so fucking bad and so much pain

 

[Gloomislost]

from what I understand Tylenol OD is a drawn out and painful death so I'm glad you didn't have to suffer through that at the very least. did your aunt know what you were going to do with them?

She's the one who gave them to me for period cramps (so i could sleep through it) but she didn't know my intentions that time. She probably thought it was a concern though because I hid them under my pillow.

my first attempt i was around 13 or less i tried hanging i supposed to be home alone for first mins then i did it and the SI started to kick in while that mom came from the nowhere and she stoped that so it was so fucking bad and so much pain

omg I would've started freaking out if my mom found me like that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't believe I've ever properly attempted to leave this existence as after all we are denied the options of guaranteed straightforward methods, the thought of suicide failing and just leading to more suffering is so incredibly horrible to me, it's what I fear. It's terrifying how trying to die can go wrong and of course it's inhumane how we cannot just easily leave in peace.

 

[Gloomislost]

I don't believe I've ever properly attempted to leave this existence as after all we are denied the options of guaranteed straightforward methods, the thought of suicide failing and just leading to more suffering is so incredibly horrible to me, it's what I fear. It's terrifying how trying to die can go wrong and of course it's inhumane how we cannot just easily leave in peace.

Yeah, sometimes I wish I could be put down like a murderer getting the death penalty.

 

[tora]

I don't know if they count as attempts, but when I was a lot younger I would zip myself up in a sleeping bag or cover myself with my blanket and try to make myself fall asleep so that I'd suffocate in my sleep (which I now know is impossible lol). but other if that doesn't count then my first attempt was overdosing when I was 16

 

[Freyja13]

My first "attempt" was in my early teens when I tried to overdose on Tylenol lmao. I didn't take nearly enough and I mean... it's Tylenol... so it's not like I would've died anyway. Oh how silly I was xD

 

[Gloomislost]

I don't know if they count as attempts, but when I was a lot younger I would zip myself up in a sleeping bag or cover myself with my blanket and try to make myself fall asleep so that I'd suffocate in my sleep (which I now know is impossible lol). but other if that doesn't count then my first attempt was overdosing when I was 16

That's honestly pretty interesting to me. I remember facing my pillow and trying to suffocate myself lol.

My first "attempt" was in my early teens when I tried to overdose on Tylenol lmao. I didn't take nearly enough and I mean... it's Tylenol... so it's not like I would've died anyway. Oh how silly I was xD

I hate that most pharmaceutical meds aren't killable enough !! I wanna take a bunch of sleep meds and listen to music before I die lol.

 

[venin]

It's so wild to think that even kids will choose to CTB.

Well pointed out…

 

[cheese.out]

It was last year. I took some mg of alprazolam and went to the train tracks. I wanted to do it but SI kicked in and i just sat there and after a while i thought about my family and i fell asleep next to the train tracks until the police and some of my friends found me after a 3 hours search.

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

It's so wild to think that even kids will choose to CTB.

Lot of trauma starts when we are only kids and society should protect us..

I had lot of attempts.. and because of "medicine" i have lot of memories problem but i remember i got caught at 18 and put in psych ward

 

[olearius]

I don't know if they count as attempts, but when I was a lot younger I would zip myself up in a sleeping bag or cover myself with my blanket and try to make myself fall asleep so that I'd suffocate in my sleep (which I now know is impossible lol). but other if that doesn't count then my first attempt was overdosing when I was 16

I would count these since it's clear you had intent. You just lacked knowledge to make it happen. I'm sorry you suffered when you were much younger too.

 

[Meditation guide]

I tried once, I was drunk and took some pills and as I was passing out called a bunch of friends and told them what I did. I woke up when one was pushing me into a cold shower and snapped me back into being consciousness..

I know how I am and I'm scared I would do the same thing again.

 

[yoomi]

I remember my first CTB attempt. I was really young and tried hanging with a shoe lace until I stopped because it hurt and other reasons. Do you remember your first attempt?

I remember taking a shit load of pills and texting my bf at the time about it. I was only 13 and I was scared and crying because I didn't know what to expect.

 

[Gaga786]

I was 14, and had just come out of the psych ward. I decided to slit my wrists. Well, it didn't work and I just ended up with a gnarly scar. I couldn't cut deep enough

 

[FindingHome]

I don't know if I can remember my first attempt, but I remember the first time I felt suicidal I would go to the bathroom and strangle myself.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I've never attempted, but when I was young, I did practice cuts on my wrists and hoarded OTC medication with intent to OD.