My final years of my 20s will be spent successfully trying to kill myself

[FireFox]

I never wanted it to be this way believe me. I really wanted to be happy and live and tried my best to find happiness but now at 27 I finally realise life isn't for me.

I have been suffering depression and suicidal thoughts since the age of 21 years old. When I reached out after being depressed after my 21st birthday nobody took me seriously. My close university friend in my law class knew I was suicidal first she said how I needed to go to church, then she eventually began to stop talking to me and I noticed she avoided me at times at university. My own mother even complained about how I need to "change the record" and my family treated me like an inconvenience me being depressed. This is the same family who are surprised I have an eating disorder. I tried getting help on the NHS and struggled to get a successful referrall to my local mental health services.

Things were beautifully coming together in 2022. For the first time in my life I was happy. I went travelling then coming back from travelling I got a high paying job and so many wonderful things happened to me in that year. Fast forward to 2023 it all came crashing down rapidly. First toxic relatives come back into my life I loved the covid19 pandemic because it was freedom never seeing these people anymore then the older man I feel deeply in love with turned out to be a cruel fake nice two faced person who ended up causing me enormous pain with constant his lying and mind games and then next I lose my employment( poor customer service skills). My eating disorder came back due to my life spiralling out of control and family find out about eating disorder.

I was so determined for things to work out and I kept fighting because I am not a quitter by September I finally gave up on life. Being forced to defer my university place at the last minute finally broke me because getting into that university was the only good thing I had going for me in that chaotic year. I start university this year I don't care anymore.

I am never going to get over the man I love. I didn't care he is an oldman in his 50s he noticed me all my life guys my age ignored me and never wanted to know me. He made me feel so special in a way no man has ever done. I feel like I will never have that with another man and he was the only one. I am tired of life never working out. I don't want to see another 20 years

I have nothing to show for my life at 27. No career, no man, emotionally immature for my age, struggles to fit in and I am tired of life.

All my life I have been fighting and I am done fighting. The world has defeated me. If the events of the last year didn't happen I wouldn't be on the path to sucide. Life is a BS game and I am done playing

 

[All_is_in_vanity]

As someone who still has that false glimmer of hope, who still clings to life, he'll even slightly pro life( I.e living isn't that bad not anti abortion) I still think you should have the right to die. I don't think suicide is always good but in your case you have tried, suffered and failed to find happiness, so why should you be forced to stay? It's your life, you deserve peace, and if that peace is in death, then you have every right to leave this hell. I'll still hold on, but that dosent mean you have to. Regardless of how I feel, all have the right to die. I hope you find your freedom and are freed from this suffering. I hope your death is quick as well

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I know you probably don't want to hear this, and believe me, I'm not suggesting anything to you about whether you should, or shouldn't, ctb, as I believe everyone has to decide that for themselves, and has the absolute right to decide their own fate, but after my fiancè and I broke up, it took me a solid 3 1/2 years to get over her completely. Just saying. I understand that's not saying much because, well, here I am on a suicide forum, but I can say that my suicidality has absolutely nothing to do with my ex. I've spoken with you before FF, and I'm truly sorry you're hurting so much. I hope you can get to some peace.

 

[zudingram]

Hey, I read this post and your other post to. I want to say that im sad to hear about your struggles and suffering. I truly wish u find ur peace.. U deserve to be happy.

 

[ghostdog]

I agree with you mostly, I am BP1 and with suicidal thoughts and acts before diagnosis . every human is different , many share diagnosis name , but to the bottom it's very personal , when i was on suicide watch now i realize that i loved to listen other people with Major Depression and suicidal tendencies , i don't say that my views were wrong but when i listened , dude they were deep too in a total different way. So i disagree with you about your closed ones , in beginning i had same feelings with close people to me , how the F they can't understand me , am i describing it wrong ? didn't i explain so that even 5year old kid would get it ? but problem isn't in you it's in people . Even if somebody reads tons of books watchs educational videos (not talking about doctors who study mind 8 years and practice way more) and they are like "it will pass " "thank god that you are not some war refugee" so on and son it's because ,feelings and nobody , nobody even "soul mate" will understand your inner feelings fully , and what people do when they don't understand something ? they got afraid , and when people are afraid it's human self defense instinct to have distance with something which you are afraid and don't understand . I have changed therapist like underwear and one who got me most was suffering from borderline disorder. It's not a fact it's my opinion . I can not tell you to do or not do something. I can give you one advice , whole my life i was saying as most people do that i don't care what others think about me , so i ways in a deeeeeep hole and decided what i have to lose ? and i make it reality that i don't care what people say or how they see me (no phisical harm was done to anybody ) oh god it was so liberating and have so great memories about that period. Now i am on last stage and have passed that period . You are going on most extreme you are thinking ending of your life (my opinion isn't judgmental), but maybe maybe try and see, what you have to lose ?