My fault for thinking I was gonna have an nice day

[goldenwitch]

Thought I'll have a fun hangout realised I'm incapable of letting others love me because I am so unloveable and undeserving. I wish I could let my friends tear me to pieces. I don't want to kill myself I want them to kill me. Suicide feels like such a copout at this point I'm not good enough to deserve a death that peaceful and predictable. I deserve agony for being such an blackhearted evil being.

 

[NonEssential]

I don't mean to pry but what has you calling yourself a blackhearted evil being?

 

[moralfag]

I'm sorry life has been so rough to you, people can be so cruel sometimes. You deserve to find peace, no matter what. I understand what it feel like to be unlovable, as I am the same, and I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this feeling. I planned for others to kill me twice, as I didn't believe I was capable of committing on my own. It felt underserving; but you deserve to be allowed your own choice. Sacrificing yourself for others just causes more suffering. Even just posting here about your feelings I can tell you aren't an evil, blackhearted being. You will always have a place here and I hope wherever life takes you that you're able to enjoy it. Much love to you, may you be able to find your own path.

 

[goldenwitch]

I don't mean to pry but what has you calling yourself a blackhearted evil being?

I'm 19 and I'm already too atrocious to live. Unknowingly, I've let my only relative who has ever shown any mercy and honest love towards me get murdered. I couldn't help and now she's dead.

My friends love me so much, and I love them too. They put their heart out for me and I try to do that too, but I am simply unable to reciprocate kindness in a way that is socially acceptable, I always ruin everything and make everyone around me miserable. I (unintentionally) torture them by attempting suicide over and over again, despite knowing the pain this puts them in. I just want to escape my own pain, but instead I create even more suffering to put them in. I just wish they were crueler to me so I could justify this. I wish I could be a better person to give them the care they deserve.

I cut off my father that let him to stalk me. It takes a disgusting person to cut off their own relatives, the ones that gave them life. He was abusive, but I feel terrible for not just continuing taking it, at least until he dies. What kind of man rejects their own father, when others would kill to see theirs just once again?

I am not a good person. This list is obviously not exhaustive. I've probably hurt people I don't even remember anymore. That is why I deserve to die.

I'm sorry life has been so rough to you, people can be so cruel sometimes. You deserve to find peace, no matter what. I understand what it feel like to be unlovable, as I am the same, and I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this feeling. I planned for others to kill me twice, as I didn't believe I was capable of committing on my own. It felt underserving; but you deserve to be allowed your own choice. Sacrificing yourself for others just causes more suffering. Even just posting here about your feelings I can tell you aren't an evil, blackhearted being. You will always have a place here and I hope wherever life takes you that you're able to enjoy it. Much love to you, may you be able to find your own path.

Much love to you too, thank you for taking the time to reply. And thank you for your kindness
I suppose that is right, but I simply don't know how to love without sacrifices. It doesn't seem possible. Especially after being such a nuisance, they deserve to get something out of me, if only just petty entertainment.
Also, having read your post, I just wanna say that I really hope the world can be a nicer place towards you. I really hope people can finally show as much love towards you as you do towards the world. Their cruelty is not your fault, if anything, it's a stain on their own morality. Best of luck to you

 

[moralfag]

Much love to you too, thank you for taking the time to reply. And thank you for your kindness
I suppose that is right, but I simply don't know how to love without sacrifices. It doesn't seem possible. Especially after being such a nuisance, they deserve to get something out of me, if only just petty entertainment.
Also, having read your post, I just wanna say that I really hope the world can be a nicer place towards you. I really hope people can finally show as much love towards you as you do towards the world. Their cruelty is not your fault, if anything, it's a stain on their own morality. Best of luck to you

You're always welcome. Thank you for replying as well, I appreciate it.
I completely get what you're saying. It sometimes feels hypocritical for me to give advice because I know that at the end of the day I feel the same way, and that I will always continue to love through sacrifices. It is exhausting to live sometimes, and I'm so sorry life led you down this path. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone, especially not someone as thoughtful as you.
I hope that you're able to find peace in your life and feel like you don't need to sacrifice anything to earn love. I'm still trying to find a way to feel that way myself, and I'm not sure if there is a way to get out of the loop of sacrificing once you've been stuck here long enough. But I hope for you, someday, it will be possible. Even if it's not, I wish you the best. You deserve more than life has given you.
Thank you for your kind words too, it breaks my heart to know that humanity has treated someone as kind as you so awfully. It's crazy to think that a stranger on the internet could be kinder than anyone in my real life, but I truly do appreciate your reply. No matter where life takes me, I am incredibly grateful that I got to talk with you.
May life be kinder to you too, you are a wonderful person.