Venting my father is having an affair

[jellie]

so I basically found out last night that my father is having an affair. like to the point where they seem to be planning on moving in with each other. my name was mentioned in the text thread, that i might come and stay over at their apartment together when i am back from university. the whole thing disgusts me. he disgusts me. his affair partner disgusts me. the fact that my father could do this to someone he raised a child with disgusts me.

when i told my best friend about it he called me nosy for trying to figure out who this affair partner is and when i simply responded with "whatever" he proceeded to ignore me for the entirety of last night (most of which i spent crying) and this entire day up until late afternoon where i had to be the one to reach out first. if there's one thing that is sure to trigger me, it is the silent treatment. its exactly how i was treated as a child and it never fails to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit.

i cried and cried and cried last night and nobody cared. it feels like love is doomed and hopeless. i want to find someone but what if it ends up like my parents? where an affair is happening and nobody seems to care? what is the point in even trying? I always had this fantasy in my head that love would be the thing to save me. that i would have a husband and a family and things would feel okay. its hard to hold onto such a fantasy when i see something like this happen right in front of me, and then am criticized for being "nosy" for looking into it.

 

[Linda]

You are an adult now, and what your father does need not affect your life. You can't stop him having an affair if he wants one, and it would probably be counter-productive to try, so I suggest you just do your best to ignore what is happening.

 

[Malaria]

I am so sorry. My ex-stepfather, who raised me more than my bio father did, also had an affair. It tore my mother and myself apart and helped fuel my feelings of abandonment, among many other issues. To this day I've never gotten over it. Some things never leave you. It happened almost 20 years ago and yet it still haunts me and ruins me to this day.

 

[jellie]

I am so sorry. My stepfather, who raised me more than my bio father did, also had an affair. It tore my mother and myself apart and helped fuel my feelings of abandonment, among many other issues. To this day I've never gotten over it. Some things never leave you. It happened almost 20 years ago and yet it still haunts me and ruins me to this day.

when did you find out about it? i dont think my mom knows and i dont know what to do about it. this is all so shitty. it feels good in a sense to know that someone else has struggled with this.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

There has been a lot of cheating in my family in the past. That, along with other things, has led me to the conclusion that most romantic relationships are kind of just a joke. Abuse, cheating, and toxicity are all very common in a lot of relationships and functional happy relationships are basically a dime a dozen. I don't think that my family members who decided to cheat are bad people. I still love them all (except my ex-stepmother). I've kind of learned that it's best to just ignore and move on.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

My parents are divorced too, it was my mother who had an affair. However my dad's parents stayed together and died together. I believe you can find someone, it doesn't have to go the same way as your parents.

 

[Malaria]

when did you find out about it? i dont think my mom knows and i dont know what to do about it. this is all so shitty. it feels good in a sense to know that someone else has struggled with this.

I found out pretty much the same time I found out they were getting divorced. So many things then started to make sense to me, why they were fighting so much, why my mom was crying so much, etc. That house was a hell on earth, they would scream at each other pretty much everyday, I had to hear my mother crying and my stepfather punching the wall everyday when I came home from school (and what sucked was that at the same time this was happening I was being bullied at school, so I didn't have peace at home or at school). I didn't understand fully what was going on with their relationship until my mother explained it to me. Keep in mind, I was ten years old when this happened, so I can kinda see why my mom didn't explain everything to me right away.

 

[jellie]

I found out pretty much the same time I found out they were getting divorced. So many things then started to make sense to me, why they were fighting so much, why my mom was crying so much, etc. That house was a hell on earth, they would scream at each other pretty much everyday, I had to hear my mother crying and my stepfather punching the wall everyday when I came home from school (and what sucked was that at the same time this was happening I was being bullied at school, so I didn't have peace at home or at school). I didn't understand fully what was going on with their relationship until my mother explained it to me. Keep in mind, I was ten years old when this happened, so I can kinda see why my mom didn't explain everything to me right away.

im so sorry you had to go through that. life is so cruel sometimes. i hope there is more peace for you now.

 

[Malaria]

im so sorry you had to go through that. life is so cruel sometimes. i hope there is more peace for you now.

I'm getting therapy now. Hopefully I can work out all my traumas.

 

[Sra. Grey]

I think you should tell your mother what you discovered, I don't think she deserves that you also hide that from her.

 

[jellie]

I think you should tell your mother what you discovered, I don't think she deserves that you also hide that from her.

i am feeling like i should tell her too. i dont know how to go about it. ugh this all sucks

 

[RemainingDubious]

i don't mean any offence whatsoever. i personally find cheating horrible especially when there's so much history and someone puts their personal selfishness before the very people they claimed to "love"

You mentioned you're at university, so you're a younger adult if not older. It might be helpful to keep it in perspective.

Do the things your father eat make you shit? Do the things he drink make you piss?

You don't have to deal with him if you don't want to. You're not a child and he's old enough to know of the consequences of his selfishness.

 

[Malaria]

i don't mean any offence whatsoever. i personally find cheating horrible especially when there's so much history and someone puts their personal selfishness before the very people they claimed to "love"

You mentioned you're at university, so you're a younger adult if not older. It might be helpful to keep it in perspective.

Do the things your father eat make you shit? Do the things he drink make you piss?

You don't have to deal with him if you don't want to. You're not a child and he's old enough to know of the consequences of his selfishness.

I'm biased and tbf my personal issues with this happened when I was a child, but I imagine it's still painful to go through even if you're an adult. I don't think just because it didn't happen when they were a kid, it makes their pain any less valid. After all, that's their dad, the person who raised them and helped give them life. You're never going to stop caring about your parents even if you're grown up.

 

[Sra. Grey]

i am feeling like i should tell her too. i dont know how to go about it. ugh this all sucks

Find a quiet place where they are alone, tell her that you didn't know how to tell her that, that you feel bad about everything that is happening and you can't keep keeping quiet, because that would mean that you agree with what your dad does.

 

[RemainingDubious]

I'm biased and tbf my personal issues with this happened when I was a child, but I imagine it's still painful to go through even if you're an adult. I don't think just because it didn't happen when they were a kid, it makes their pain any less valid. After all, that's their dad, the person who raised them and helped give them life. You're never going to stop caring about your parents even if you're grown up.

i don't mean any offence whatsoever, especially since i personally think cheating is vile. Who's to say the pain the child has is more important than the happiness that parent has?

You don't need to be in someone's life to care about them. Some people have children who moved to the other side of the world and barely see them. They don't love them any less.

Some people have nothing but love for a loved one even when death separates them.

 

[Malaria]

i don't mean any offence whatsoever, especially since i personally think cheating is vile. Who's to say the pain the child has is more important than the happiness that parent has?

You don't need to be in someone's life to care about them. Some people have children who moved to the other side of the world and barely see them. They don't love them any less.

Some people have nothing but love for a loved one even when death separates them.

Fair enough.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I don't know if this helps but do what I did - put in earphones and blast heavy metal or rock music (Linkin Park). If you have a car go out for a drive and just blast the songs full blast.
I really don't agree with someone saying "you're an adult now" it's really messed up. Why?

I would say 80-90% of people should not be having children at all: generational trauma, epigenetics, bad genetics, abuse, etc. all dumped onto you. Applied for 1000+ jobs with no result? Boomer response? "You are lazy, that's why no one will take you" you can't win.

I think most of us here hit a dead end with our parents having us. Shouting all the time, money issues, divorce, lack of care, etc. At 35 it's still messed me up and I've noticed a pattern that men with autism do not generally work with therapy : it's the way the mind is wired and environment can't be changed.

My partner left on 4th anniversary - just left - changed her mind lol. Was the first relationship I had but that's killed any sort of humanity I have left. Robbed at knife point 4 times in secondary school, saw a dog get injured by a car, had a solicitor end himself because of stress and I spoke to him on the phone two days before he did it, had hours reduced at a job because I reported that someone was stealing from the safe, etc etc.

Just don't deal with people if you can. Dogs, cats, animal sanctuaries, zoos (good ones, research before giving money), wild birds (woodpeckers, robins, pigeons), macaws, cockatoos. They are way more interesting and don't do stupid human nonsense.

 

[davidtorez]

I don't know if this helps but do what I did - put in earphones and blast heavy metal or rock music (Linkin Park). If you have a car go out for a drive and just blast the songs full blast.
I really don't agree with someone saying "you're an adult now" it's really messed up. Why?

I would say 80-90% of people should not be having children at all: generational trauma, epigenetics, bad genetics, abuse, etc. all dumped onto you. Applied for 1000+ jobs with no result? Boomer response? "You are lazy, that's why no one will take you" you can't win.

I think most of us here hit a dead end with our parents having us. Shouting all the time, money issues, divorce, lack of care, etc. At 35 it's still messed me up and I've noticed a pattern that men with autism do not generally work with therapy : it's the way the mind is wired and environment can't be changed.

My partner left on 4th anniversary - just left - changed her mind lol. Was the first relationship I had but that's killed any sort of humanity I have left. Robbed at knife point 4 times in secondary school, saw a dog get injured by a car, had a solicitor end himself because of stress and I spoke to him on the phone two days before he did it, had hours reduced at a job because I reported that someone was stealing from the safe, etc etc.

Just don't deal with people if you can. Dogs, cats, animal sanctuaries, zoos (good ones, research before giving money), wild birds (woodpeckers, robins, pigeons), macaws, cockatoos. They are way more interesting and don't do stupid human nonsense.

Ain't life grand! Fwiw, my mother also cheated on my father when I was 18 years old, but I think it effected my brother more than me. I know all about passing on bad genes, unfortunately both my parents have terrible genes and decided to procreate and give me and my brother some of that yummy goodness

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Ain't life grand! Fwiw, my mother also cheated on my father when I was 18 years old, but I think it effected my brother more than me. I know all about passing on bad genes, unfortunately both my parents have terrible genes and decided to procreate and give me and my brother some of that yummy goodness

I knew about genes (I got cancer at 20) - didn't smoke, drink, went to the gym etc . Obviously didn't do anything lol. But epigentics is wild. So in your life any bad event or trauma can chemically mark your genes so if you have children there is a high chance they will inherit this. Lots of reading papers and studies about autism and trauma and came across it. It's not surprising with the amount of screwed up people on the planet.
It's either low IQ and too impulsive (fast life strategy) - that's why these people become the masses
Or high Iq and slow life - calculations and checking for the future - this is really rich people or people in power generally.

Or it's either but they just have children for the "status" or they are just selfish and want a child but don't want the consequences. Who in there right mind would have children now? The world is burning. I go to an animal sanctuary - yes dumped and abused by people. So imagine what people are doing to children. Fuck this place.

 

[RemainingDubious]

Fair enough.

People project (me included) our own beliefs on to others.

The facts are simple. They have their own personal thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc. They also have a finite amount of time here. The parent likely has less due to age, etc.

If i personally have a problem with someone i have a problem with them. That's my problem (i know, it isn't even theirs unless they allow it to be)
i won't hide it. i won't ignore the elephant in the room to appease them. i personally refuse to be in the same room as that person, regardless of who they are, how much of the same DNA we have or how much i may of liked them.

 

[davidtorez]

I knew about genes (I got cancer at 20) - didn't smoke, drink, went to the gym etc . Obviously didn't do anything lol. But epigentics is wild. So in your life any bad event or trauma can chemically mark your genes so if you have children there is a high chance they will inherit this. Lots of reading papers and studies about autism and trauma and came across it. It's not surprising with the amount of screwed up people on the planet.
It's either low IQ and too impulsive (fast life strategy) - that's why these people become the masses
Or high Iq and slow life - calculations and checking for the future - this is really rich people or people in power generally.

Or it's either but they just have children for the "status" or they are just selfish and want a child but don't want the consequences. Who in there right mind would have children now? The world is burning. I go to an animal sanctuary - yes dumped and abused by people. So imagine what people are doing to children. Fuck this place.

I'm sorry you got cancer especially at such a young age. I have to admit I felt physically well up until my mid 30s . It all went downhill after that physically and mentally . Some of the stuff you mention has been stated by Robert Sapolsky. Have you heard of him?

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I'm sorry you got cancer especially at such a young age. I have to admit I felt physically well up until my mid 30s . It all went downhill after that physically and mentally . Some of the stuff you mention has been stated by Robert Sapolsky. Have you heard of him?

Partially yes! I've been delving deeper into the autism side of things given that life was getting way too much so had to use the information to show the doctors. I even had to explain to them that you can only measure serotonin with an autopsy- the gp looked at me and asked how I knew that - I told him I take in a lot of information and I need this diagnosis because most of the points I have been living the past 28+ years. They thought it was just depression and as always give you pills and when they don't work they want to up the MG dosage.

Yeah health it doesn't matter - I got in the best shape of my life 2 years ago because I was doing golf but it didn't do anything ultimately. I can't connect with people unless I give them information. Can't do small talk and all that.

It got so bad that one study I read about having autism with a high IQ = high chance of depression. Did the Mensa UK home test while heavily depressed, bad diet - which affects brain function and just in a general bad state. I actually cried half way through it lol. So fucked up. Scored 131. Top 2%. Yep data seems to stack up. Doesn't do anything in the real world though - just makes it worse as you point out things and end up getting in trouble.

 

[sadcausebad]

OP I'm sorry about your dad doing that, my mom constantly cheated on my dad in the past until she divorced him but karma got her in the end.

I also find it odd others are saying "who cares you're an adult" it's still painful to see your parents act a certain way.

 

[jellie]

OP I'm sorry about your dad doing that, my mom constantly cheated on my dad in the past until she divorced him but karma got her in the end.

I also find it odd others are saying "who cares you're an adult" it's still painful to see your parents act a certain way.

i am hoping that my mom will find out. i dont know what to do. if i should tell her or not. she is working out of state right now so i couldn't tell her in person... what would you do in this situation?
and yeah people saying "youre an adult" is weird to me. i still live with my parents when i am not at university so i still have to deal with them despite being an adult.

Find a quiet place where they are alone, tell her that you didn't know how to tell her that, that you feel bad about everything that is happening and you can't keep keeping quiet, because that would mean that you agree with what your dad does.

i wish more than anything that i could sit down with her and tell her. but she is workng out of state and i wont be able to see her until june. do you think i should call her? talk to my dad about what he is doing?

 

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

i am hoping that my mom will find out. i dont know what to do. if i should tell her or not. she is working out of state right now so i couldn't tell her in person... what would you do in this situation?
and yeah people saying "youre an adult" is weird to me. i still live with my parents when i am not at university so i still have to deal with them despite being an adult.

i wish more than anything that i could sit down with her and tell her. but she is workng out of state and i wont be able to see her until june. do you think i should call her? talk to my dad about what he is doing?

I think so. Confronting your dad and threatening to never speak to him again unless he fesses up could also work. Fuck cheaters