My family makes me want to blow my brains out

[m3nhera]

It's as if that's their only purpose. I wonder how many people here have been driven to suicide/are suicidal because(or even just partially because) of family so I'm doing a poll. Are you suicidal only because of family?

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

YES. OMG. The other night, I was sobbing because my Narc Mom was screaming at me as usual (and I'm almost 40 living back at home, sad long story). And I'm just like wow this bitch doesn't know she just signed my death warrant. But I do believe real Narcs are actual murderers. It's just psychological... but I believe their goal is to get people to commit suicide.

 

[chaotic_crow]

Literally just had to pack up my belongings to strap on the back of my wheelchair to leave out for the streets because I overheard my grandma talking shit about me to my aunt. They hate me for being disabled, like it's my fault or I'm just lazy and don't wanna do anything. I literally lost everything and my family thinks I'm the biggest piece of shit. Everything I do gets spun into something it's not and then they all get around and make things up about me and act like everyone is telling the truth

 

[insectontrial]

Partly because of my parents, yes.

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

Literally just had to pack up my belongings to strap on the back of my wheelchair to leave out for the streets because I overheard my grandma talking shit about me to my aunt. They hate me for being disabled, like it's my fault or I'm just lazy and don't wanna do anything. I literally lost everything and my family thinks I'm the biggest piece of shit. Everything I do gets spun into something it's not and then they all get around and make things up about me and act like everyone is telling the truth

Yeah, I'm most likely going to be homeless, but in my car... i've done a lot of research and it's actually quite difficult to live in the car when you're in chronic pain. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, there has to be resources for someone in your case. If you haven't, please get in touch with the county resources (if you're in the states)... hell maybe get into the psych ward for a few days, for free food and shelter. They will definitely help you find temp housing since you are disabled. I hope you are in the US. Canada might be just as helpful.

 

[chaotic_crow]

Yeah, I'm most likely going to be homeless, but in my car... i've done a lot of research and it's actually quite difficult to live in the car when you're in chronic pain. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, there has to be resources for someone in your case. If you haven't, please get in touch with the county resources (if you're in the states)... hell maybe get into the psych ward for a few days, for free food and shelter. They will definitely help you find temp housing since you are disabled. I hope you are in the US. Canada might be just as helpful.

I hear you on the chronic pain, it's rough. I've kinda given up on housing/shelters honestly. If I have to I'll definitely go to the psychward for food and rest, I'll probably need it after a few days but there really aren't wheelchair accessible shelters in my state. Even the ones that say they are, they really aren't accessable for me and my OCD cannot handle seeing even one more bedbug. I've had entire meltdowns about the bugs and filth in the shelters

 

[m3nhera]

YES. OMG. The other night, I was sobbing because my Narc Mom was screaming at me as usual (and I'm almost 40 living back at home, sad long story). And I'm just like wow this bitch doesn't know she just signed my death warrant. But I do believe real Narcs are actual murderers. It's just psychological... but I believe their goal is to get people to commit suicide.

I FEEL THAT WAY TOO AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS!!! I think people who force us to commit suicide are murderers but nobody sees it that way because they didn't physically stab you or something. But it IS murder. They are murderers and force us to die but because it was suicide everyone says it was a choice, but a real choice doesn't involve pressure or outside influence, it's about what we want as individuals. They coerce people into killing themselves. I'm only 18 and the thought of dying at the hands of some shitty parents is so sad, I'll just be another statistic. I don't want to give in but they make it so difficult not to. Because this sounds like such a reach I must clarify I am NOT one of those people who thinks abortion is murder, that is completely different and literally not. Also, I have reasons for being stuck at home and having no job too, so I'm not judging that you're 40 and had to go back to living with them. Life is unfair.

Literally just had to pack up my belongings to strap on the back of my wheelchair to leave out for the streets because I overheard my grandma talking shit about me to my aunt. They hate me for being disabled, like it's my fault or I'm just lazy and don't wanna do anything. I literally lost everything and my family thinks I'm the biggest piece of shit. Everything I do gets spun into something it's not and then they all get around and make things up about me and act like everyone is telling the truth

I KNOW WHY DO FAMILIES DO THIS OH MY GOD?!??? It drives me insane to no end, also I don't understand their(and society's) view on disabled people as if you CHOSE to be disabled, and then they treat you like shit because of it, when it could've been them if they were just a little less lucky. Life is so unfair as I've said before and I'm sorry your family is driving you to this state of mind aswell. I think family honestly makes any kind of chronic illness 10x worse.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My ideation began because of family issues. Now, it's more that I'm just so tired of life itself. Although- without those family issues to begin with, I likely would have turned out a different person, on a different path. I've tried multiple times to change the path I was on. I'm too tired to keep fighting now. I just want to rest.

The irony I think is when pro- lifers insist we need to stay for these people. People who may well have caused or contributed to all these problems to begin with! It's kind of astounding really- that they insist we still owe them- not to cause them pain- when I suspect many suicidal people were greatly damaged first by their families.

 

[chaotic_crow]

I FEEL THAT WAY TOO AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS!!! I think people who force us to commit suicide are murderers but nobody sees it that way because they didn't physically stab you or something. But it IS murder. They are murderers and force us to die but because it was suicide everyone says it was a choice, but a real choice doesn't involve pressure or outside influence, it's about what we want as individuals. They coerce people into killing themselves. I'm only 18 and the thought of dying at the hands of some shitty parents is so sad, I'll just be another statistic. I don't want to give in but they make it so difficult not to. Because this sounds like such a reach I must clarify I am NOT one of those people who thinks abortion is murder, that is completely different and literally not. Also, I have reasons for being stuck at home and having no job too, so I'm not judging that you're 40 and had to go back to living with them. Life is unfair.


I KNOW WHY DO FAMILIES DO THIS OH MY GOD?!??? It drives me insane to no end, also I don't understand their(and society's) view on disabled people as if you CHOSE to be disabled, and then they treat you like shit because of it, when it could've been them if they were just a little less lucky. Life is so unfair as I've said before and I'm sorry your family is driving you to this state of mind aswell. I think family honestly makes any kind of chronic illness 10x worse.

What's even better is my aunt (the one shit talking) is now experiencing some serious health issues and everyone is so concerned for her and how she's doing. I don't understand what it is about me that's so damn bad

 

[m3nhera]

What's even better is my aunt (the one shit talking) is now experiencing some serious health issues and everyone is so concerned for her and how she's doing. I don't understand what it is about me that's so damn bad

It's nothing really our families are just evil and out to get us as corny as that sounds lol, it's true

My ideation began because of family issues. Now, it's more that I'm just so tired of life itself. Although- without those family issues to begin with, I likely would have turned out a different person, on a different path. I've tried multiple times to change the path I was on. I'm too tired to keep fighting now. I just want to rest.

The irony I think is when pro- lifers insist we need to stay for these people. People who may well have caused or contributed to all these problems to begin with! It's kind of astounding really- that they insist we still owe them- not to cause them pain- when I suspect many suicidal people were greatly damaged first by their families.

ARE WE THE SAME PERSON?!?? Sorry for all caps it's just everyone under this post makes me feel so understood, even though I know I'm not the only one, toxic families have a way of making us feel isolated and alienated. I also am just tired of life now and agree that if the family issues didn't exist from the start, things might not have turned out this way. Especially the last thing you said, obviously anyone can be suicidal regardless and it's valid either way, I just think that the MAJORITY of suicidal people were hurt by their family in some way, it's their fault, yet we are blamed for wanting to die. People undermine their role in the suicide rate. It's been very, very rare for me to meet a suicidal person who had a perfectly good family that treated them well and everything.

 

[PanaxMan]

It's as if that's their only purpose. I wonder how many people here have been driven to suicide/are suicidal because(or even just partially because) of family so I'm doing a poll. Are you suicidal only because of family?

True for me at least

 

[PainThreshold]

Fucking deranged lunatic, earlier this morning I asked her to pay for the tuition fees and she fucking used it againts me.

Should have fucking let the univ drop me out.

This is not the fucking first time she ever did this.

 

[whywere]

I have ZERO family, so nope.

Mine is caused by massive depression and 24/7 chronic pain.

Walter

 

[m3nhera]

Fucking deranged lunatic, earlier this morning I asked her to pay for the tuition fees and she fucking used it againts me.

Should have fucking let the univ drop me out.

This is not the fucking first time she ever did this.

They will literally use anything and EVERYTHING against you regardless of if it's fair I hate it so much, I'm sorry for you and all the other people who can't be free due to these evil people

I have ZERO family, so nope.

Mine is caused by massive depression and 24/7 chronic pain.

Walter

I'm sorry :(. Still sucks either way, I hope your pain eases someday. Science is always advancing, maybe there will be better treatment in the future?

 

[Lamentice]

My family/developmental years is certainly the root of most my troubles, but I'm estranged and have been estranged from most of them for years now, so can't say it actively impacts me much anymore. But I mean- the developmental years are fundamental to your perception of reality, navigation of decisions and life, and personality/mannerisms/behaviors, it creates the baseline, so if it's fucked up then yeah...

 

[violetforever]

i dont know if i should say mainly or entirely. even all my other reasons come back to them too. if theres ever a thread involving family, im probably already there .-.

Although- without those family issues to begin with, I likely would have turned out a different person, on a different path. I've tried multiple times to change the path I was on. I'm too tired to keep fighting now. I just want to rest.

i also cant help but think who i couldve been or what my life couldve been if i just had a decent family. all of their abuse has led me to more abuse and self harm. i know people go through worse than i do and overcome it but im just too weak. i feel like all my attempts at trying eventually fail because it all comes down to me being too weak.

I do believe real Narcs are actual murderers. It's just psychological... but I believe their goal is to get people to commit suicide.

oh they would love that…

 

[m3nhera]

My family/developmental years is certainly the root of most my troubles, but I'm estranged and have been estranged from most of them for years now, so can't say it actively impacts me much anymore. But I mean- the developmental years are fundamental to your perception of reality, navigation of decisions and life, and personality/mannerisms/behaviors, it creates the baseline, so if it's fucked up then yeah...

Yes this, even when you're older, they still ruined your developmental years. The foundation.

 

[darksouls]

mine is caused by chronic pain,
my mother destroyed me mentally and emotionally,
that is why I moved far away from my toxic family

 

[witchcraft]

Been searching threads on here to find a home; this is it. Or maybe it's more like couch surfing, or a hostel...

The cherry on top is blowing my brains out is even the way I would want to do it. I call shotgun.

My parents are nowhere near as bad as some of ya'll, but honestly, I wish that I had never been born. ~30y/o NEET living at home, useless worthless pile of shit degree, applied for 100+ jobs the past few years and nothing. But don't worry, regular reminders from my mom about how I'm a financial burden.

I'm done. I give up. Not even sure if it'd be worth it if I somehow managed to get a job at this point that would allow me to get the fuck out of here. I'm done done. Overcooked done. Burnt.

 

[yukisopathetic]

It's as if that's their only purpose. I wonder how many people here have been driven to suicide/are suicidal because(or even just partially because) of family so I'm doing a poll. Are you suicidal only because of family?

partly. when i was younger it definitely contributed to my low self esteem and other mental issues. i also notice that when my relationship with my family worsens, i become much more suicidal. actually my family probably contributes a lot but not intentionally, so i only say partly.

 

[suncide10]

I just don't feel like their son, we were never close. I don't have any feelings towards my parents especially dad and I don't trust them.
My dad doesn't love us, he always criticizes my mom and never admits his mistakes. It hurts to see my mom suffer like this but she has nowhere to go and I can't do shit about it either. I'm also tired of the war happening between everyone in my family, why can't they just live in peace.
I feel so lonely because nobody knows me and I don't have anyone I can trust.

 

[m3nhera]

partly. when i was younger it definitely contributed to my low self esteem and other mental issues. i also notice that when my relationship with my family worsens, i become much more suicidal. actually my family probably contributes a lot but not intentionally, so i only say partly.

I'd say partly too. I wish they weren't such a pain in the ass to us.

I just don't feel like their son, we were never close. I don't have any feelings towards my parents especially dad and I don't trust them.
My dad doesn't love us, he always criticizes my mom and never admits his mistakes. It hurts to see my mom suffer like this but she has nowhere to go and I can't do shit about it either. I'm also tired of the war happening between everyone in my family, why can't they just live in peace.
I feel so lonely because nobody knows me and I don't have anyone I can trust.

Right why can't things just be peaceful, they fuck things up on purpose and make life harder for everyone around them.

Been searching threads on here to find a home; this is it. Or maybe it's more like couch surfing, or a hostel...

The cherry on top is blowing my brains out is even the way I would want to do it. I call shotgun.

My parents are nowhere near as bad as some of ya'll, but honestly, I wish that I had never been born. ~30y/o NEET living at home, useless worthless pile of shit degree, applied for 100+ jobs the past few years and nothing. But don't worry, regular reminders from my mom about how I'm a financial burden.

I'm done. I give up. Not even sure if it'd be worth it if I somehow managed to get a job at this point that would allow me to get the fuck out of here. I'm done done. Overcooked done. Burnt.

OMGOMGOMG sorry I read your post and the first sentence makes me really.. idk if excited is the word but it makes me feel warm. Like someone understands. This IS it like you said haha, don't worry you're not alone(cliché I know) but unfortunately shitty families are ridiculously common. You can always come back here for comfort or to rant about them, and you make me feel less alone, stranger. If it makes you feel better I also applied to SO MANY JOBS for YEARS before I could get one.

 

[iguazo falls]

i dont blame them but the coroner could do my ghost a favour and understand that being rejected and almost disowned by family doesnt really help. i wish i was normal or they werent brainwashed. if they werent closed minded my life would be objectively better. i would be financially, mentally, and even physically better off. i dont really feel pride in "getting my shit together" like so what. im supposed to put others down who dont get the privelege of leaving easily because i "made it out" and have a job? i hate people like that, you dont just "get over it" and to do so and overcome it takes a lot of nasty anger and spite people don't like mentioning. they just want to kiss your ass for being "productive" unlike the xyz in their lfie they resent and they wanna feel better about themselves while not extending at least a thought for others. then they say to be less angry and heeeel n improov but to be complacent like that means not surviving for me. and it is some bs like not total bs but they want me to conform and be complacent not actually self actualise and do what i want when they say heel n improov.

i just feel like shit and i feel like shit for other people going through similar.

and man getting a job is fucking hard like again i am priveleged because i got nepotism oppurtunities despite my situation, i actually despise the system. they are bitching about birth rates but theres few places for young people to establish themselves and older ppl have to wageslave more when they should be fucking retiring idfk. i hate seeing ppls parents not being interested about the world their kid lives in either, or the assumption that helping ur kid means they are useless in life. the ppl who have least support i notice don't know a lot of life skills (ie had to tell someone older than me about how full time sick leave works), and the most functional people i know still get paychecks and guarantee of housing from their parents well into their 30s. they get a bunch of advice that actually works, have a decent relationship with family, and arent worried abt being homeless. they are mostly independent and hit most their life milestones while having fun experiences in their 20s, and own their own houses. im pretty determined to at least try and enjoy my life before i CTB but im jealous of my family who could be normal.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I'm sorry, mate. Hope you can get around it or find your peace. I have problems with my family too, but not to your extent. Stay strong, mate. Lots of love and peace to you

 

[lpdsvm]

I would have left right after I turned 18.
There's nothing to do in a toxic place.
There would be zero support I guess anyway.
I would have just left without any plans because any temporary measures can last permanently. Only after that, I would have planned something. If I failed I would have CTBed. No issues at all. Actually, it would be a great place for me to CTB even sooner without any extra steps and nitpicking which method is better lol.

I kind of had something similar, and I already was preparing to leave without proper thinking but I wasn't 18 so no way I could pull this off. I kinda was on the way. They weren't my parents. They weren't toxic but they didn't believe me much but them.
I did it because of all those stupid accusations and insults that were coming from my relative.

 

[m3nhera]

I would have left right after I turned 18.
There's nothing to do in a toxic place.
There would be zero support I guess anyway.
I would have just left without any plans because any temporary measures can last permanently. Only after that, I would have planned something. If I failed I would have CTBed. No issues at all. Actually, it would be a great place for me to CTB even sooner without any extra steps and nitpicking which method is better lol.

I kind of had something similar, and I already was preparing to leave without proper thinking but I wasn't 18 so no way I could pull this off. I kinda was on the way. They weren't my parents. They weren't toxic but they didn't believe me much but them.
I did it because of all those stupid accusations and insults that were coming from my relative.

Family is such a pain. You're right that there's nothing to do in a toxic place but if I move out, I'll be broke AND still traumatized so why give them that? Moving out won't undo any of the damage so I might as well stay and get paid basically. Otherwise they got to abuse me for nothing.

I'm sorry, mate. Hope you can get around it or find your peace. I have problems with my family too, but not to your extent. Stay strong, mate. Lots of love and peace to you

Thanks. I'll never find peace, I'll never stop being abused by them. It's sad because I really do think life away from them would be worth living, but it takes too long to be able to get to that point. I don't want to live that long.

 

[telekon]

I almost punched my mom in the face last night. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and she decided to do a surprise visit at my grandma's house where I sleep, but when I saw her car in the driveway I got back on the bus. I cannot be around her. I let the bus run its route twice for about 4 hours until I went in the house and she was still there.

When I walked in my grandma greeted me at the door so I just kept my head down because I know the evil bitch was about to show up. I untied my shoes for a good 2-3 minutes hoping I wouldn't see her and my grandma was finally like "Look up!" like I was supposed to be happy to see this abusive asshole. My grandma knows how I feel about my mom so I don't know what she's thinking doing this to me. "Hug your mother!" she says... so I gave her a little hug. Mind you I am filthy from working in the rain and so I go straight in the shower and to bed because it's now 8pm and I have to get up early in the morning. They ask me to come and eat and I lie and say that I already ate.

Then later in the evening my mom comes in my room forcefully and stands over my bed and starts lecturing me about how I should have called my grandma to tell her that I already ate and that's when I just lost it and screamed at her to leave. I REALLY did not want to see her because I've been having nightmares about her for weeks and I just want her out of my head.

I almost lost my job today because the situation I'm in with my whole family is so traumatizing and makes me feel so like I'm on the brink of killing myself that I just didn't go into work today. My boss was pretty understanding even though I've only been working there for 3 days. I hate her so fucking much.

 

[m3nhera]

I almost punched my mom in the face last night. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and she decided to do a surprise visit at my grandma's house where I sleep, but when I saw her car in the driveway I got back on the bus. I cannot be around her. I let the bus run its route twice for about 4 hours until I went in the house and she was still there.

When I walked in my grandma greeted me at the door so I just kept my head down because I know the evil bitch was about to show up. I untied my shoes for a good 2-3 minutes hoping I wouldn't see her and my grandma was finally like "Look up!" like I was supposed to be happy to see this abusive asshole. My grandma knows how I feel about my mom so I don't know what she's thinking doing this to me. "Hug your mother!" she says... so I gave her a little hug. Mind you I am filthy from working in the rain and so I go straight in the shower and to bed because it's now 8pm and I have to get up early in the morning. They ask me to come and eat and I lie and say that I already ate.

Then later in the evening my mom comes in my room forcefully and stands over my bed and starts lecturing me about how I should have called my grandma to tell her that I already ate and that's when I just lost it and screamed at her to leave. I REALLY did not want to see her because I've been having nightmares about her for weeks and I just want her out of my head.

I almost lost my job today because the situation I'm in with my whole family is so traumatizing and makes me feel so like I'm on the brink of killing myself that I just didn't go into work today. My boss was pretty understanding even though I've only been working there for 3 days. I hate her so fucking much.

I understand you. I'd say more but like you said the thought of family infuriates me so much I'd rather not be reminded. I'm sorry she did this to you. And about the job thing, I get it, I worry my parents will somehow ruin work for me too. I've also had nightmares about her. I wish the people who raised us weren't the devil reincarnated.

 

[lpdsvm]

Family is such a pain. You're right that there's nothing to do in a toxic place but if I move out, I'll be broke AND still traumatized so why give them that? Moving out won't undo any of the damage so I might as well stay and get paid basically. Otherwise they got to abuse me for nothing.

Thanks. I'll never find peace, I'll never stop being abused by them. It's sad because I really do think life away from them would be worth living, but it takes too long to be able to get to that point. I don't want to live that long.

They can't abuse you or get perked up if they don't even know anything about you after leaving.
Removing and blocking them all once it's done is very essential.
If it's tolerable then planning on leaving quietly could be an option.

 

[never mind me]

I don't really know which answer to pick in the poll. Although when I first had suicidal ideation in my late teens it had to do with the abuse I had suffered at my father's hands, I'd say I managed to put these things behind me eventually (although it took years). It certainly helped that I moved out at the age of 16 with the help of social services and had little contact with my family afterwards and eventually completely refused all contact with my parents.
Life certainly got a lot better over the years, but in a way I feel like this period of chronic suicidality in my late teens together with a mindset of "once I am dead I can't feel bad about being dead anymore" that I used as a coping mechanism to deal with the fear of being killed by my father when I was still living with my parents seems to have lowered the threshold for considering ctb when confronted with a difficult situation in life a lot. Currently I am simply experiencing some medical problems (although it is nothing too serious or untreatable it is quite annoying as it currently prevents me from doing most things that give me joy) and have an unstable/unsecure life situation and fear of the future on top of it (currently no home, just temporarily living at my boy-friend's appartment and dreading to not find a decent job again)