Hello, im new here and this will be my first post. Before I would come here to see other peoples experiences and become more open minded but now I have started to relate more and more to a lot of posts here. Im a girl coming from a religious family background (muslim) and I have been pushed into a corner to marry. My parents were never necessarily nice to me, they are the type to have children just for the sake of it. Not with the intentions of raising and loving their children, just for the societal sense of "making a family". From a young age, I have been given very little freedoms to explore myself or the world (couldn't go out much, not even to friends birthdays) I never made choices for myself, most were made for me but as I was little I was accepting of this as they are older and my "parents" who knew better (they are also verbally and physically abusive).
Going into my pre-teen and teen years I started becoming more aware of my lack of ability to have any direction or say in my OWN life but at the end of the day I was still a little girl and horrified of my parents. My main coping mechanism was to endure, endure, wait, wait and wait. That's all I would tell myself "wait until I get older", "wait until I finish high school" "wait until after my exams" "wait until I start uni". I think deep down I knew these were just small lies to cope. This was the start of me being aware of my mental state and long existing depression, anxiety and possibly BPD; and when suicidal thoughts began appearing. But still I couldn't do anything so I let myself wait until it got "better".
It has now gotten worse. Although I had suicidal thoughts I never really considered myself suicidal as I never felt the actual will or need to kill myself. I still felt that my happiness in life would come and there was no need. But now I am 18 and I quickly began to realise that my parents would offer no such freedoms or become less stricter with me, they wished to control me forever, that is until I would be married. I was then presented such opportunity and impulsively said yes by the desire to finally acquire freedom. However, I quickly came to regret this and realised that it is not truly what I wanted. Nothing was made official yet and there was still time so I confronted my parents and told them that I wanted to not proceed. This caused arguments in which I was being once again degraded for no reason and Im being pushed in a corner where I feel like I cannot even choose MY OWNNN marriage/partner. I don't know what specifically about this did it as I am used to the constant degrading and all but it has truly broke me. It has made me realise I am not loved by my parents and never will be truly loved. Merely just a tool for their way in the world. I don't want to die, I don't want to CTB but I can't help but want it to be over. I wish I could fast forward in life to a point where I am finally only surrounded by my loved ones, free in my own life maybe even creating my own new family to love and cherish.
I don't know what exactly Im expecting anyone who reads this reaction to be but I hope someone out there can maybe relate to me, I hope someone out there can understand me, I hope someone out there can tell me that its okay and that I do just need to wait a little longer and in general;
I hope someone can save me because I am afraid that I cannot save myself.
Going into my pre-teen and teen years I started becoming more aware of my lack of ability to have any direction or say in my OWN life but at the end of the day I was still a little girl and horrified of my parents. My main coping mechanism was to endure, endure, wait, wait and wait. That's all I would tell myself "wait until I get older", "wait until I finish high school" "wait until after my exams" "wait until I start uni". I think deep down I knew these were just small lies to cope. This was the start of me being aware of my mental state and long existing depression, anxiety and possibly BPD; and when suicidal thoughts began appearing. But still I couldn't do anything so I let myself wait until it got "better".
It has now gotten worse. Although I had suicidal thoughts I never really considered myself suicidal as I never felt the actual will or need to kill myself. I still felt that my happiness in life would come and there was no need. But now I am 18 and I quickly began to realise that my parents would offer no such freedoms or become less stricter with me, they wished to control me forever, that is until I would be married. I was then presented such opportunity and impulsively said yes by the desire to finally acquire freedom. However, I quickly came to regret this and realised that it is not truly what I wanted. Nothing was made official yet and there was still time so I confronted my parents and told them that I wanted to not proceed. This caused arguments in which I was being once again degraded for no reason and Im being pushed in a corner where I feel like I cannot even choose MY OWNNN marriage/partner. I don't know what specifically about this did it as I am used to the constant degrading and all but it has truly broke me. It has made me realise I am not loved by my parents and never will be truly loved. Merely just a tool for their way in the world. I don't want to die, I don't want to CTB but I can't help but want it to be over. I wish I could fast forward in life to a point where I am finally only surrounded by my loved ones, free in my own life maybe even creating my own new family to love and cherish.
I don't know what exactly Im expecting anyone who reads this reaction to be but I hope someone out there can maybe relate to me, I hope someone out there can understand me, I hope someone out there can tell me that its okay and that I do just need to wait a little longer and in general;
I hope someone can save me because I am afraid that I cannot save myself.
you can always pm me if you need
