Story my failed SN attempt

[ameliorateme]

on october 3rd i attempted suicide with sodium nitrite. i felt like it was a good day to die.
i took some advil and then half an hour later i took 2 spoonfuls of SN and mixed it in with water and drank it. the drink was salty and gross, but i didnt throw up.
after about 20 minutes i began to feel the effects.
my heart was beating really fast and everything was getting blurry. i was getting really dizzy too. it was hitting me that i was going to die if i didnt get help.
i started to freak out and panic. i cant remember a lot but i remember leaving my room to try and find my dad, i dont know if i made it to him but he did find me passed out. (i felt like i had no choice but to get help, i was so scared and out of it)
i was floating in and out of consciousness, but i remember him trying to wake me up, and calling the police. he gave me mouth to mouth which made me throw up.
eventually i was put in an ambulance. i had a tube stuck into my lungs at the hospital and they injected me with methlyene blue as an antidote. i was at the hospital for 3 days, and an inpatient program for a week. i am feeling less suicidal, but i still wish i had died.
i will answer any questions anyone has about my experience.

 

[Rounded Agony]

That sounds like an awful experience...sorry to hear about it. You've been on this site half a year already so I can't imagine this was especially impulsive.
Were those all the medications you took? How did you feel about everything right up to before you felt the SN starting to work? Was this your first try of any kind?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Seems you didn't want to die, to me. I think that's clear.

 

[On Replay]

If i had sn , I'd sit there and let it be. I'd love it.

I'm sorry you regretted it to the point of having to crawl for help

 

[ameliorateme]

That sounds like an awful experience...sorry to hear about it. You've been on this site half a year already so I can't imagine this was especially impulsive.
Were those all the medications you took? How did you feel about everything right up to before you felt the SN starting to work? Was this your first try of any kind?

yes, i did not take any anti-emetic because i didnt think it would be necessary.
until the SN started working i was pretty calm. i did cry a little bit, but i had on my favorite album so i could listen to it one last time, and i was ready to go

 

[Justnotme]

I am very sorry that you have to experience ambivalent feelings :(
I don't even know what it is: our internal program designed for survival, or your true desire to live for now.
Only you can see, probably.

Tell me, please, tubes in the lungs - does it hurt?
In general, when you were in the hospital, did you feel any pain from the treatment, from the tubes, from anything else that could be injected into your body?

Does it hurt to be with a catheter in the bladder? (I do not know if you had a catheter in your bladder, I just asked)
Tell me, please, have you taken pills with nitrite? Benzodiazepine for pain?

(I read that you didn't take antiemetics)
Did it hurt at all?
And when the heart is pounding hard, does it hurt?

I'm so afraid it's going to hurt and my heart might break.

Sorry for such an influx of questions....

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a horrible experience. Ctb can certainly be very difficult as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. If only it was easier to leave this life behind.
I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[almaranthine]

This is why I will ensure that I am completely alone when I attempt with SN. I will still have my phone I guess but perhaps I can turn it off and hide it somewhere inconvenient to get to idk. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this and had to attempt around family like that. Best wishes going forward and dealing with the aftermath.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you went through all that, and sorry you're still here, but it's good to have you with us again.

What was the breathlessness like?

I hope you're ok

 

[doesitreallymatter]

Did you seek help because you realised you didn't want to die ? or mainly just because the survival instinct kicked in and it was the panic of what was happening with your body that scared you? (Which is understandable)

I know you said you'd wish you'd died, sorry to hear that it hasn't changed your overall feelings for the better.

Has the experience put you off trying again ?

Either way I still think your incredibly brave and thank you for sharing your experience !

 

[madebrief]

Seems you didn't want to die, to me. I think that's clear.

I agree. The title is mis-leading and that it is not a failed attempt but more like bailed attempt on SN.

 

[CarpeJugulum]

I agree. The title is mis-leading and that it is not a failed attempt but more like bailed attempt on SN.

why are you two valuing SI over choice? they wanted to die because they drank it, and instincts were what made them get help. where's the 'not want to die' part?

 

[madebrief]

I am very sorry that you have to experience ambivalent feelings :(
I don't even know what it is: our internal program designed for survival, or your true desire to live for now.
Only you can see, probably.

Tell me, please, tubes in the lungs - does it hurt?
In general, when you were in the hospital, did you feel any pain from the treatment, from the tubes, from anything else that could be injected into your body?

Does it hurt to be with a catheter in the bladder? (I do not know if you had a catheter in your bladder, I just asked)
Tell me, please, have you taken pills with nitrite? Benzodiazepine for pain?

(I read that you didn't take antiemetics)
Did it hurt at all?
And when the heart is pounding hard, does it hurt?

I'm so afraid it's going to hurt and my heart might break.

Sorry for such an influx of questions....

I don't know why the concern on the recovery in the hospital. Many other people for a varying amounts of reasons go into hospital and requires to be hooked up to a tube as well as having other treatment. You are able to look up on catheter on Google if you wish to do so.

Many have commented that SN is a peaceful way to go with some discomfort including high heart rate and headache but in general you should be unconscious for the most part. It is unlikely your heart will break. You will die from lack of oxygen.

If you are already afraid, maybe SN is not the option for you.

 

[makethepainstop]

Survival instinct can be a very harsh mistress!

 

[madebrief]

why are you two valuing SI over choice? they wanted to die because they drank it, and instincts were what made them get help. where's the 'not want to die' part?

The title says failed which makes it sound like SN does not work and another conspiracy story. A mention in title should say SI overcome SN CTB rather than a failed attempt.

 

[ameliorateme]

I am very sorry that you have to experience ambivalent feelings :(
I don't even know what it is: our internal program designed for survival, or your true desire to live for now.
Only you can see, probably.

Tell me, please, tubes in the lungs - does it hurt?
In general, when you were in the hospital, did you feel any pain from the treatment, from the tubes, from anything else that could be injected into your body?

Does it hurt to be with a catheter in the bladder? (I do not know if you had a catheter in your bladder, I just asked)
Tell me, please, have you taken pills with nitrite? Benzodiazepine for pain?

(I read that you didn't take antiemetics)
Did it hurt at all?
And when the heart is pounding hard, does it hurt?

I'm so afraid it's going to hurt and my heart might break.

Sorry for such an influx of questions....

the tube in the lungs was the worst part. it was incredibly uncomfortable. i was nearly choking on my own saliva too.
aside from being intubated, i dont remember feeling much pain. i think i was injected with fentanyl, so that probably helped.

i did have a catheter. i barely remember it being put in, but after that i barely even noticed it, until it was time to take it out. it felt like i was shitting from my dick.

and i did not take any pills other than advil.
from what i remember, nothing actually was painful. it was just terrifying.
im happy to answer any other questions you have

Did you seek help because you realised you didn't want to die ? or mainly just because the survival instinct kicked in and it was the panic of what was happening with your body that scared you? (Which is understandable)

I know you said you'd wish you'd died, sorry to hear that it hasn't changed your overall feelings for the better.

Has the experience put you off trying again ?

Either way I still think your incredibly brave and thank you for sharing your experience !

i called for help involuntarily. the SI definitely kicked in there.
im not sure if i will attempt again, if i do i might try a different method.

The title says failed which makes it sound like SN does not work and another conspiracy story. A mention in title should say SI overcome SN CTB rather than a failed attempt.

sorry i did not title this post better, not trying to get people to not CTB with SN, just sharing my story

 

[Idontmatter]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Just curious-did you fast before you took the sn?

 

[denix66]

el 3 de octubre intenté suicidarme con nitrito de sodio. Sentí que era un buen día para morir.
Tomé un poco de advil y luego, media hora después, tomé 2 cucharadas de SN, las mezclé con agua y me las bebí. la bebida estaba salada y asquerosa, pero no vomité.
después de unos 20 minutos comencé a sentir los efectos.
mi corazón latía muy rápido y todo se estaba volviendo borroso. Yo también me estaba mareando mucho. me estaba dando cuenta de que me iba a morir si no recibía ayuda.
Empecé a asustarme y entrar en pánico. No puedo recordar mucho, pero recuerdo salir de mi habitación para tratar de encontrar a mi papá, no sé si lo logré, pero me encontró desmayado. (Sentí que no tenía más remedio que buscar ayuda, estaba tan asustada y fuera de sí)
Estaba flotando dentro y fuera de la conciencia, pero lo recuerdo tratando de despertarme y llamando a la policía. me dio boca a boca que me hizo vomitar.
finalmente me pusieron en una ambulancia. En el hospital me clavaron un tubo en los pulmones y me inyectaron azul de metileno como antídoto. Estuve en el hospital durante 3 días y en un programa de hospitalización durante una semana. Me siento menos suicida, pero aún deseo haber muerto.
Responderé cualquier pregunta que alguien tenga sobre mi experiencia.

Creo que su desesperación se debió principalmente a la frecuencia cardíaca fuerte y rápida... Necesita usar un bloqueador beta... Preferiblemente Propanolol... por ejemplo. 40mg 6 horas antes y 80mg 30 minutos antes... También se puede, si el caballo no está controlado, machacar pastillas y poner el polvo debajo de la lengua... Dosis adecuadas de benzos según tu tolerancia también ayudarían... . Pero en mi opinión el betabloqueante es fundamental para tomar

 

[ameliorateme]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Just curious-did you fast before you took the sn?

i didnt eat anything for about 24 hours

 

[hellispink]

This is my biggest fear. It worries me the fact that SI can become unbearable, making me fail. I need to make sure I am far away from my house and probably throw my phone in the sink so I can't use it for help.

 

[Cryptonite]

First of all, even though your attempt had its flaws, the mere fact that you were able to take SN makes you a very brave person. I think it shows your potential - eventually you will succeed. I recall a member named Funkygibbon who got even more courageous after first failed SN attempt (ended up tubed in the hospital too) and the second attempt was flawless.

Next time, I'd definitely recommend to use all additional medication, not just painkillers - meto, benzos and especially propranolol. You don't wanna freak out because of a racing heart. Throat numbing lozenges with benzocaine are useful as well.

Could you please tell more about your process of "dying"? Were you able to remember everything afterwards? Was it comparable to going to sleep? In the hindsight, do you think the panic could have been controlled, or was it totally off the charts? How did you feel about your attempt in retrospection, when you woke up in the hospital - did you feel that not waking up at all would be a big deal? Sorry for so many questions, they all just basically relate to the experience of the near death.

 

[its-about-time]

I'm glad you're still here. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Sometimes it takes an experience like trying to end your life to really put a different perspective on trying to enjoy your time here. I hope your stay in the program was helpful and that you continue to evaluate all your options, not just death <3 In the end whatever you decide is your own right. Take care

 

[FuneralGrey]

I don't have any questions, but thank you for sharing your experience here with us. I'm sorry you had to endure the hospital admission – it's never fun.

 

[Obliviate]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Was there any pain at all from the effects at all?

 

[Mofreeko]

I'm beginning to wonder how useful meto even is. I have read tons of accounts where people take meto and vomit in like 4 minutes and also tons of accounts of people taking no antiemetics and not feeling nauseous at all.

 

[Justnotme]

I don't know why the concern on the recovery in the hospital. Many other people for a varying amounts of reasons go into hospital and requires to be hooked up to a tube as well as having other treatment. You are able to look up on catheter on Google if you wish to do so.

Many have commented that SN is a peaceful way to go with some discomfort including high heart rate and headache but in general you should be unconscious for the most part. It is unlikely your heart will break. You will die from lack of oxygen.

If you are already afraid, maybe SN is not the option for you.

There is nothing special or surprising about my fear. My fear is mixed with my desire to die.
And I asked about tubes in the lungs and about a catheter, because I've never been to hospitals in my life.
The most they did to me was to take blood from a vein.
Well, I decided to ask the participant what it is. And not from Google :)

 

[helplessness]

I'm sorry you had this experience. Just curious did you experience any shortness of breath? Or any pain after you drank the SN before fading out?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I agree. The title is mis-leading and that it is not a failed attempt but more like bailed attempt on SN.

Sounds fairly normal. You really need to hit rock bottom, all loss of any hope. Everyone who does make it there gets there in their own time. You can hang with the rest of us and suffer along with us until that time comes, should it come.

 

[ameliorateme]

First of all, even though your attempt had its flaws, the mere fact that you were able to take SN makes you a very brave person. I think it shows your potential - eventually you will succeed. I recall a member named Funkygibbon who got even more courageous after first failed SN attempt (ended up tubed in the hospital too) and the second attempt was flawless.

Next time, I'd definitely recommend to use all additional medication, not just painkillers - meto, benzos and especially propranolol. You don't wanna freak out because of a racing heart. Throat numbing lozenges with benzocaine are useful as well.

Could you please tell more about your process of "dying"? Were you able to remember everything afterwards? Was it comparable to going to sleep? In the hindsight, do you think the panic could have been controlled, or was it totally off the charts? How did you feel about your attempt in retrospection, when you woke up in the hospital - did you feel that not waking up at all would be a big deal? Sorry for so many questions, they all just basically relate to the experience of the near death.

thanks for the suggestion.
i remember can remember bits and pieces, but i was pretty out of it. it was not similar to going to sleep, i was hoping that it would be. it was pretty much like passing out.
thinking back on it i think i could have controlled my panic more, but im not sure. if i attempt again, ill know what im getting myself into and i should be able to handle it.

when i was in the hospital i could just hear my parents and girlfriend crying and being extremely upset. i just felt regret and sadness when i got there, as well as the feeling that i wish i succeeded. it was such a weird feeling honestly. after initially getting to the hospital and getting myfirst treatment, i eventually fell asleep. later when i woke up i thought i had dreamed everything and i wished i was actually dead.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Was there any pain at all from the effects at all?

i do not remember any pain, besides a racing heart

I'm sorry you had this experience. Just curious did you experience any shortness of breath? Or any pain after you drank the SN before fading out?

i dont think i remember feeling short of breath, its hard to remember. but i wasnt in pain, just scared and panicking

 

[outrider567]

I am very sorry that you have to experience ambivalent feelings :(
I don't even know what it is: our internal program designed for survival, or your true desire to live for now.
Only you can see, probably.

Tell me, please, tubes in the lungs - does it hurt?
In general, when you were in the hospital, did you feel any pain from the treatment, from the tubes, from anything else that could be injected into your body?

Does it hurt to be with a catheter in the bladder? (I do not know if you had a catheter in your bladder, I just asked)
Tell me, please, have you taken pills with nitrite? Benzodiazepine for pain?

(I read that you didn't take antiemetics)
Did it hurt at all?
And when the heart is pounding hard, does it hurt?

I'm so afraid it's going to hurt and my heart might break.

Sorry for such an influx of questions....

A pounding heart doesn't hurt, just makes you a little shaky once its to 130 or 140--I had a catheter once after my gallbladder operation because my bladder stayed asleep after the anasthesia wore off--Yes it was uncomfortable but no big deal(had it in there for a week)