my experience with the journey to CTB so far

[wagner2029]

my experience with the journey to CTB so far
I started researching the methods, what seemed best to me was nitrogen inhalation, I bought a cylinder, made the exit bag.
I felt the same sensation that a dog feels when it reaches the car, I couldn't move forward, I tried to go to the doctor, I took other medicines.
but I ended up resuming the CTB plans, I tried twice, I got the bag out of my head, I've been putting it off for 8 months, I think about doing it at night, then I think about doing it in the morning, it's like someone kidnapped me, put a gun in my head, put a clock on the wall and said: I'm going to shoot you in the head at midnight, but it's me holding the gun.
It's a distressing sensation, when the moment arrives I am overcome by fear, terror, fear of death.
In the first two attempts I walked in circles for 6 hours, each minute seemed eternal, I ended up taking zolpidem and sleeping, it ended and I couldn't sleep at night, I suffer from insomnia, I let the medicine run out on purpose, I feel unwell and scared. of dying diminishes, I think: "it's just a moment and this is all over, I'll leave it until tomorrow", the next day I regret it and think "what am I still doing here?"
I was going to do it today, I'm not so worried, I've already organized things, in fact everything is ready, but as I managed to sleep today I'm not in so much pain, tomorrow night I'll be worse and I believe it will be easier.
I believe it was a path I needed to take.

 

[edgar allan poe]

It's not easy leaving the living world and entering complete darkness, we'll depending on what you believe in.

 

[joeschmo]

my experience with the journey to CTB so far
I started researching the methods, what seemed best to me was nitrogen inhalation, I bought a cylinder, made the exit bag.
I felt the same sensation that a dog feels when it reaches the car, I couldn't move forward, I tried to go to the doctor, I took other medicines.
but I ended up resuming the CTB plans, I tried twice, I got the bag out of my head, I've been putting it off for 8 months, I think about doing it at night, then I think about doing it in the morning, it's like someone kidnapped me, put a gun in my head, put a clock on the wall and said: I'm going to shoot you in the head at midnight, but it's me holding the gun.
It's a distressing sensation, when the moment arrives I am overcome by fear, terror, fear of death.
In the first two attempts I walked in circles for 6 hours, each minute seemed eternal, I ended up taking zolpidem and sleeping, it ended and I couldn't sleep at night, I suffer from insomnia, I let the medicine run out on purpose, I feel unwell and scared. of dying diminishes, I think: "it's just a moment and this is all over, I'll leave it until tomorrow", the next day I regret it and think "what am I still doing here?"
I was going to do it today, I'm not so worried, I've already organized things, in fact everything is ready, but as I managed to sleep today I'm not in so much pain, tomorrow night I'll be worse and I believe it will be easier.
I believe it was a path I needed to take.

First, do EVERYTHING to avoid suicide. If it's a money problem, work 2 jobs. If it's a relationship you seek, avoid predatory ppl and surround yourself with like-minded ppl. If it's a medical condition, all the more reason to live life to its fullest at whatever level you can (not referring to drugs, alcohol, etc., but socializing, helping others, traveling, etc). It's just some examples, you get the point.

99.9% of problems can definitely be solved. So analyze your situation and focus on the solution. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but neither is becoming a professional piano-player. It takes a LOT of effort to reach a goal, whatever that goal is.

 

[divinemistress36]

First, do EVERYTHING to avoid suicide. If it's a money problem, work 2 jobs. If it's a relationship you seek, avoid predatory ppl and surround yourself with like-minded ppl. If it's a medical condition, all the more reason to live life to its fullest at whatever level you can (not referring to drugs, alcohol, etc., but socializing, helping others, traveling, etc). It's just some examples, you get the point.

99.9% of problems can definitely be solved. So analyze your situation and focus on the solution. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but neither is becoming a professional piano-player. It takes a LOT of effort to reach a goal, whatever that goal is.

Are you suicidal?

 

[joeschmo]

Are you suicidal?

I am here for a reason, but I cannot explain why I chose that path, it's too complicated, and can easily be misunderstood.

Please take no offense, as I mean none. I only signed up to gather some info I need, but I keep stumbling into some interesting posts and sometimes cannot resist responding.

 

[BrainShower]

First, do EVERYTHING to avoid suicide. If it's a money problem, work 2 jobs. If it's a relationship you seek, avoid predatory ppl and surround yourself with like-minded ppl. If it's a medical condition, all the more reason to live life to its fullest at whatever level you can (not referring to drugs, alcohol, etc., but socializing, helping others, traveling, etc). It's just some examples, you get the point.

99.9% of problems can definitely be solved. So analyze your situation and focus on the solution. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but neither is becoming a professional piano-player. It takes a LOT of effort to reach a goal, whatever that goal is.

Thanks for the worst advice ever. I'm sorry but this is just half ass crap. Next time just don't push send. Fuck professional piano-players

 

[joeschmo]

Thanks for the worst advice ever. I'm sorry but this is just half ass crap. Next time just don't push send. Fuck professional piano-players

Everyone is different, to some it's good advice and to others it's not.
But do you prefer the opposite instead? Like "just KYS already and stop being a whimp!!", is that better for you??

I think even if we ourselves are suicidal we should ONLY either motivate others out of it, or provide info on how to do it peacefully (but never to motivate them TO do it).

Maybe take your own advice and don't push "post reply" when all you are doing is whine about ppl giving positive advice to others.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't think the OP was really looking for your so called "advice" in the first place, if people on here want advice to continue existing they'd ask for it in the "recovery" section as that's what that section is for after all.
I believe many come here as they simply want a place to write down their feelings, I mean this is pretty much the only place where people can be open about suicide and I don't get why people assume their patronising very much unsolicited "advice" was even wanted when it was never even asked for in the first place.

And I'm sorry but I thought this was supposed to be a pro-choice forum to respect people's wishes and feelings and letting people have a space to vent openly rather than pushing pro-life rhetoric onto people. Just because you may value and worship life so much doesn't mean that other people wish to be bombarded with such rhetoric on a website which is all about respecting personal choice, other people's personal decisions are absoluletly nothing to do with you.
If people respect others personal decisions and want a place to vent without being bombarded with pro-life unsolicted advice, it's not "encouraging" suicide and telling others to just go through with it, no it's simply being supportive. I don't get why you are on a pro-choice forum if you are so anti-choice. But anyway best wishes, OP.

 

[DeadManLiving]

my experience with the journey to CTB so far
I started researching the methods, what seemed best to me was nitrogen inhalation, I bought a cylinder, made the exit bag.
I felt the same sensation that a dog feels when it reaches the car, I couldn't move forward, I tried to go to the doctor, I took other medicines.
but I ended up resuming the CTB plans, I tried twice, I got the bag out of my head, I've been putting it off for 8 months, I think about doing it at night, then I think about doing it in the morning, it's like someone kidnapped me, put a gun in my head, put a clock on the wall and said: I'm going to shoot you in the head at midnight, but it's me holding the gun.
It's a distressing sensation, when the moment arrives I am overcome by fear, terror, fear of death.
In the first two attempts I walked in circles for 6 hours, each minute seemed eternal, I ended up taking zolpidem and sleeping, it ended and I couldn't sleep at night, I suffer from insomnia, I let the medicine run out on purpose, I feel unwell and scared. of dying diminishes, I think: "it's just a moment and this is all over, I'll leave it until tomorrow", the next day I regret it and think "what am I still doing here?"
I was going to do it today, I'm not so worried, I've already organized things, in fact everything is ready, but as I managed to sleep today I'm not in so much pain, tomorrow night I'll be worse and I believe it will be easier.
I believe it was a path I needed to take.

Sounds like you're stuck in a loop. If all hope is truly abandoned and your FIRM on dying then the solution might be Russian roulette with a revolver. And mix your ammo with half blanks half live rounds.

That way there's none of that "go no-go" fight-flight effect at the final spin and ping. More of a slight hesitancy, a diminishing probaility effect.

 

[Linda]

First, do EVERYTHING to avoid suicide. If it's a money problem, work 2 jobs. If it's a relationship you seek, avoid predatory ppl and surround yourself with like-minded ppl. If it's a medical condition, all the more reason to live life to its fullest at whatever level you can (not referring to drugs, alcohol, etc., but socializing, helping others, traveling, etc). It's just some examples, you get the point.

99.9% of problems can definitely be solved. So analyze your situation and focus on the solution. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but neither is becoming a professional piano-player. It takes a LOT of effort to reach a goal, whatever that goal is.

You are not being realistic. I'll state more bluntly what @divinemistress36 hinted at. You don't seem to know what you are talking about.

If you have never been through what many of the people on this site have been through, you are not really in a position to comment. If you have been through it, I find your comment very hard to understand.

This site provides an immense amount of support to people, and is often able to steer people away from suicide. But most people here also recognise that for some people suicide is a rational choice in their circumstances, and sometimes their best option (or least bad option, if you prefer to look at it that way). If someone has made such a decision, it is no longer your business - unless you want to say some kind words, or something of that sort, to make their passing a little easier.

If you can fix other peoples problems, then please do so. Everyone here - and in the wider world - will be delighted. If you can fix 99.9% of them we will recommend you for sainthood, or the Nobel Prize, or whatever honor you want. But if you can't actually fix people's problems,, please be aware that empty words are not very helpful.

 

[Aim]

We all have our way of navigation it I believe, with no right or wrong answer, maybe sometimes a bit to out of control. To get the job done. But seemed like you navigated it well and was kinda aware of what you were doing. All the best of luck to you it will be very sad to see you go. You will be missed..lots of love and much peace your way

 

[joeschmo]

I don't think the OP was really looking for your so called "advice" in the first place, if people on here want advice to continue existing they'd ask for it in the "recovery" section as that's what that section is for after all.
I believe many come here as they simply want a place to write down their feelings, I mean this is pretty much the only place where people can be open about suicide and I don't get why people assume their patronising very much unsolicited "advice" was even wanted when it was never even asked for in the first place.

And I'm sorry but I thought this was supposed to be a pro-choice forum to respect people's wishes and feelings and letting people have a space to vent openly rather than pushing pro-life rhetoric onto people. Just because you may value and worship life so much doesn't mean that other people wish to be bombarded with such rhetoric on a website which is all about respecting personal choice, other people's personal decisions are absoluletly nothing to do with you.
If people respect others personal decisions and want a place to vent without being bombarded with pro-life unsolicted advice, it's not "encouraging" suicide and telling others to just go through with it, no it's simply being supportive. I don't get why you are on a pro-choice forum if you are so anti-choice. But anyway best wishes, OP.

Let OP decide whether or not the advice was wanted, good or bad. It's not on you to decide what OP wants. So it's kind of ironic that you trying to stand on a moral high-ground, pointing fingers at me for "not respecting ppl's wishes and feelings" yet here you are trying to speak *FOR* OP about what his wishes or feelings are.

Furthermore, I thought this was "suicide discussion*, as in, you can DISCUSS anything so long as it relates to suicide, which is what I did. So perhaps stop being the gestapo here by trying to force people to behave in ways that YOU deem appropriate. Remember the whole write-up you gave about *respecting *CHOICE*? Yeah, take your own advice and let ppl choose what to write.

Lastly, yes I am here for the same reason many others are, but I am not gullible, I know that just because someone is *trying* to commit suicide it does not mean they WANT to commit suicide. Only gullible/ignorant ppl believe such things. Many people vent because subconsciously they hope there exists some way that might pull them out of their situation. Why are you denying them that possibility?

You are not being realistic. I'll state more bluntly what @divinemistress36 hinted at. You don't seem to know what you are talking about.

If you have never been through what many of the people on this site have been through, you are not really in a position to comment. If you have been through it, I find your comment very hard to understand.

This site provides an immense amount of support to people, and is often able to steer people away from suicide. But most people here also recognise that for some people suicide is a rational choice in their circumstances, and sometimes their best option (or least bad option, if you prefer to look at it that way). If someone has made such a decision, it is no longer your business - unless you want to say some kind words, or something of that sort, to make their passing a little easier.

If you can fix other peoples problems, then please do so. Everyone here - and in the wider world - will be delighted. If you can fix 99.9% of them we will recommend you for sainthood, or the Nobel Prize, or whatever honor you want. But if you can't actually fix people's problems,, please be aware that empty words are not very helpful.

Yes I am here for the same reason many others are, but I am not gullible, I know that just because someone is *trying* to commit suicide it does not mean they WANT to commit suicide. Only gullible/ignorant ppl believe such things. Many people vent because subconsciously they hope there exists some way that might pull them out of their situation, and some seek such ways by speaking to those who can relate to them. Why are you denying them that possibility by ONLY supporting their suicidal way?

How can you view your intent to blindly motivate them towards suicide as "right" but the intent to do the opposite as "wrong", when neither of us knows whether or not the person really wants to end it?? Isn't it better to assume the latter and, if proven wrong, THEN go for the former??

Or perhaps you are psychic, you can read everyone's mind?? You know with 100% certainty that he wants to end it?? Enlighten us with your special abilities then—and I don't care if you take offense to this, you attacked me first by assuming I have egocentric intentions (i.e. doing it for "sainthood" or a "noble price"), which is total BS.

 

[wagner2029]

Talking about legs, at one extreme we have people who can run for dozens of kilometers and at the other end we have people who cannot walk.
Talking about eyes, we have people who can see details at great distances and at the other extreme we have blind people.
Speaking of minds, at one extreme we have people who want to live even if everything is bad, no matter how bad the situation is and at the other extreme we have people who don't like existence.
It's not a question of money, illness or company.
CTB is something very difficult and lonely, difficult in every aspect, I decided to write it because maybe it will help those who are going through it to be able to deal with it in a less bad way.
Living is a choice and not an obligation.

First, do EVERYTHING to avoid suicide. If it's a money problem, work 2 jobs. If it's a relationship you seek, avoid predatory ppl and surround yourself with like-minded ppl. If it's a medical condition, all the more reason to live life to its fullest at whatever level you can (not referring to drugs, alcohol, etc., but socializing, helping others, traveling, etc). It's just some examples, you get the point.

99.9% of problems can definitely be solved. So analyze your situation and focus on the solution. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but neither is becoming a professional piano-player. It takes a LOT of effort to reach a goal, whatever that goal is.

I understand that you have good intentions, but that doesn't help anyone who wants CTB in the slightest.
in fact it gets in the way, a person who wants CTB already feels useless for wanting CTB while other people "in a worse situation" are able to live.

 

[Stoked]

First, do EVERYTHING to avoid suicide. If it's a money problem, work 2 jobs. If it's a relationship you seek, avoid predatory ppl and surround yourself with like-minded ppl. If it's a medical condition, all the more reason to live life to its fullest at whatever level you can (not referring to drugs, alcohol, etc., but socializing, helping others, traveling, etc). It's just some examples, you get the point.

99.9% of problems can definitely be solved. So analyze your situation and focus on the solution. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but neither is becoming a professional piano-player. It takes a LOT of effort to reach a goal, whatever that goal is.

This is probably one of the dumbest shit i've ever read of someone responding to this type of post. fucken lol. i wouldn't be surprised if these words came out of "mental health professionals" mouth or read out of a script by one of the so-called "helplines". But on this site? At least have some fucken basic human decency, empathy and understanding. Don't talk to people as though you're some sort of a superior authority on their personal matters.

You should know this, your words have most likely made OP felt so much worse, invalidated and talked down to as though they're an imbecile.

You don't know what other people have been through, what they've tried, to what extent, for how long, and how hard. and by that, i mean, everyone, on this site that has gotten them to this point. doesnt fucken matter if you're on here yourself. everyone's circumstances are only known to themselves.

so just STFU with you dumb ass unsolicited "advice" - reductionist, simplistic, overgeneralised sweeping statements and empty words that means nothing but only cause more hurt and damage

99.9% of problem can definitely be solved? So please, come up with those solutions please, and help this OP and solve their problems. Mf

Perhaps if you were able to empathize more and asked them if theyd like someone to talk to or what have been troubling them, and listen to them, it would at least be a good start.

 

[joeschmo]

I understand that you have good intentions, but that doesn't help anyone who wants CTB in the slightest.
in fact it gets in the way, a person who wants CTB already feels useless for wanting CTB while other people "in a worse situation" are able to live.

I have gotten multiple responses from ppl who thought otherwise, they appreciate that input because subconsciously they actually sought it.

It appears you are different, my bad.

I always say that it's better to first motivate against suicide until it's clear that the individual is 100% sure about suicide, rather than to go the opposite route where you motivate them to commit suicide not knowing that they were subconsciously seeking help. With the latter you help kill someone who actually wanted to live.

Anyways, whatever route you take, all the best.

This is probably one of the dumbest shit i've ever read of someone responding to this type of post. fucken lol. i wouldn't be surprised if these words came out of "mental health professionals" mouth or read out of a script by one of the so-called "helplines". But on this site? At least have some fucken basic human decency, empathy and understanding. Don't talk to people as though you're some sort of a superior authority on their personal matters.

You should know this, your words have most likely made OP felt so much worse, invalidated and talked down to as though they're an imbecile.

You don't know what other people have been through, what they've tried, to what extent, for how long, and how hard. and by that, i mean, everyone, on this site that has gotten them to this point. doesnt fucken matter if you're on here yourself. everyone's circumstances are only known to themselves.

so just STFU with you dumb ass unsolicited "advice" - reductionist, simplistic, overgeneralised sweeping statements and empty words that means nothing but only cause more hurt and damage

99.9% of problem can definitely be solved? So please, come up with those solutions please, and help this OP and solve their problems. Mf

Perhaps if you were able to empathize more and asked them if theyd like someone to talk to or what have been troubling them, and listen to them, it would at least be a good start.

"unsolicited advice"? lol what are you talking about? Are you unaware that many others gave advice as well?

Also, you never thought of the possibility that even though some try to commit CTB it doesn't mean they WANT to commit it? Is everything black and white to you?

Lastly, "you don't know what other ppl have been through", but YOU do, right? You can read other ppl's minds and know exactly what type of advice everyone needs?

I am not interested in arguing here, so have your last word, you clearly need it.