Venting My existence is hurting others but so will my dying

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

So I was interested in trying to get euthanasia from Pegasos in Switzerland or one of the more "relaxed" assisted dying organisations, since I believe importing SN is gonna be unlikely now. Then I find out they won't approve anyone who has a "mental illness" and it's likely I'd be denied due to my age anyways.

I am suffering so badly and I told my boyfriend that I was crushed about being unable to have a choice in when my life ends and these restrictions imposed by death with dignity organisations, which I should not have said anything but I struggle to hide my emotions and my true thoughts..

Of course he got very upset at me, saying these rules made perfect sense and that I am being lead astray by people who are not normal online if I am seriously considering assisted ctb or ctb at all, because "Normal, healthy people would never consider such things. It's wrong, and you've let unhealthy, strange people tell you otherwise. "

I am quite open with my partner when I really shouldn't be, but I find it nearly impossible to hide my agony and pain when I am so physically ill and in a constant state of malaise and torment due to chronic fatigue. I got told that I don't care about how he feels, that I chose to wallow in misery and be unhappy, and that I don't want a relationship, just a punching bag.

Whenever I speak about how I truly feel, I am quite somber and reserved unless I am trying to play my suffering off as a macabre joke to make others laugh. I don't treat him like a punching bag, I just want to be heard and understood rather than being told platitudes, that it gets better, and that I choose to be unhappy.

My bf said he doesn't want to talk about stressful topics and simply wants to have fun, chat about games, and not think about it. How am I supposed to talk about games when I am living in hell? I beat myself up everyday because I can't make anyone happy it seems. I want so badly to pretend things are peachy and fine, but I genuinely have no interest in anything.

Nothing excites me in a positive way, and I have taken nearly every antidepressant that exists on the market, I know I don't have some kind of depression- or what these people seen to think depression is- because anyone would be miserable in my circumstances and no drugs or therapists could circumvent how horrible it feels to lose your mind and body to chronic fatigue.

Even if I magically wasn't ill and could zap away my ptsd and autism too, I wouldn't want to live anymore because I have seen first hand how the world treats the disabled, the undesirable, and the meek. The idea of working 40 hrs a week for practically nothing and taking on a persona that's about as authentic as a pre-programmed chatbot does not sound desirable in the slightest. I'd rather drink cyanide than be forced to wear a pencil skirt and makeup everyday so I can be a visually appealing drone for my fellow worker bots, following the same groundhog day routine as my retinas turn to dust from decades of squinting at excel spreadsheets.

My views on life- and death, for that matter- simply aren't compatible with this world. Oh, how it pains me that I can't please my partner any longer, that I can't pretend that I enjoy games or music or TV or whatever, or conjure up lighthearted conversations and fun. I am basically useless. I know I am a burden and I am hurting others because my very existence depresses other people. Because of my visa and my disabilities I pretty much rely on my boyfriend and he knows this. So I have even more obligation to try to make him happy because he does so much for me.

I am hurting others by being alive but I know he will be devastated when I ctb. I know there's no other options. I've tried everything and as soon as I have a method it will be my time to go. Honestly knowing I am a burden on others and I am making them sad only makes me even more hellbent on ctb. Can anyone relate?

 

[homesick28]

sleep is a temp solution to a permanent problem​

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I can relate to a lot of what you said, especially "my very existence depresses other people." I'm very sorry that your boyfriend said those things to you; they were horrible, selfish things to say and you deserve support and compassion.

 

[Panna]

"I am suffering so badly and I told my boyfriend that I was crushed about being unable to have a choice in when my life ends"


"Of course he got very upset at me, saying these rules made perfect sense and that I am being lead astray by people who are not normal online if I am seriously considering assisted ctb or ctb at all, because "Normal, healthy people would never consider such things. It's wrong, and you've let unhealthy, strange people tell you otherwise. "

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have control over your life. As a person it's literally one of the most important things that you should have control of, since people should only have to deal with so much. I'm sorry that you had such an experience, obviously he's a good person if you worry about how your death will affect him, but he should be more open minded to your feelings. I can relate to this with my mother and her wish to completely deny reality by only focusing on the positive, and refusing to see my points of things. In a good relationship, a person should be willing to take on their partners burdens, and try to help them through it regardless of discomfort, that's how you show your care for them. I wish you luck.

 

[homesick28]

I am so sorry you feel this way I know what that is like.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

"Normal, healthy people would never consider such things. It's wrong, and you've let unhealthy, strange people tell you otherwise. "

This was especially upsetting. It undermines you and your autonomy. It's only "wrong" to think about suicide because other people are uncomfortable with it.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

sleep is a temp solution to a permanent problem​

The only time I feel good is when I am sleeping, because it is a momentary reprieve from the pain that awaits me when I wake up. If I could sleep all of the time I would consider that a win

 

[homesick28]

I know me too

 

[Panna]

The only time I feel good is when I am sleeping, because it is a momentary reprieve from the pain that awaits me when I wake up. If I could sleep all of the time I would consider that a win

Sounds pretty darn nice huh, a nice endless blanket of comfy darkness.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

This was especially upsetting. It undermines you and your autonomy. It's only "wrong" to think about suicide because other people are uncomfortable with it.

I agree completely, it is because it is taboo and uncomfortable. My boyfriend tries to say there is hope and he gets it because he was depressed for a couple of years when he was younger and managed to beat it with willpower, but I know that it truly isn't the same and he does not get it because he can't seem to fathom why I want to die so badly, or why I keep bringing up these "distressing thoughts"/why won't they go away. He says I would regret it in my final moments. Very few people in my life besides those on this forum have ever really listened to what I had to say. They dismiss it as a negative, warped, worldview, maybe because they cannot accept life is so bad for some people that we would rather be waiting at the bus station for our ride than suffer through existence any longer.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

He says I would regret it in my final moments.

First of all, is he omniscient? No one truly knows how you'll feel, and that sounds a bit guilt-trippy. It's great that he was able to power through his depression, but not everyone is capable of doing that.

I'm not trying to roast your boyfriend or anything, because I don't know him lol. Just frustrated at how your pain was handled.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I can relate to a lot of what you said, especially "my very existence depresses other people." I'm very sorry that your boyfriend said those things to you; they were horrible, selfish things to say and you deserve support and compassion.

It is so tragic isn't it, they tell us to reach out and let other people help us, but when it doesn't work then you get blamed for not trying hard enough or "refusing to change" or some other bullshittery. I feel like a prime example of the type of person those suicide prevention people won't mention in their mission statements.

So sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing as well.

 

[AndyD0209]

Oh, my goodness, totally agree with everything you said!!
It makes perfect sense and I am in the same predicament as you are, on top of it, I also have a 13yrs old son and my partner always says if not for me, or for him, I need to be here for my son. What nobody seems to understand is that I feel extremely guilty for not being able to be a mother to him. Nowadays, I pretty much spend my entire time in bed, can’t join in anything they do together, rare are the days where I am able to force myself to watch a movie with them, help him with his homework and of course, as a result, we have drifted away. I am not the mother I used to be and I feel heartbroken.
As you said, how am I being here helps anybody? I am in so much pain every single day, I cry and I self harm and I binge constantly.
I suffer from insomnia too which obviously makes me even more tired.
How is this helping anybody? How can seeing my like this have a good impact on him?
As you, my antidepressants are not helping at all. I have tried CBT, DBT, talking to a psychiatrist, I have tried and nobody seems to get the fact that there is nothing, nothing that can cure this disease.
My parents have now moved in with us and I am constantly under supervision, basically on suicide watch...everyone is exhausted because of me!!!
I get it, I get it and I wish they could get it too. I understand their pain, their frustration, their needs, I am perfectly capable to sympathise with everything they are going through but no one seems to understand me.
Christmas is coming, everyone is super excited and I don’t feel anything but pain and mystery. This is not life, this is existing for them, being physically present. how am I supposed to cope? How am I supposed to carry on living like this?
I can’t do it anymore

It is so tragic isn't it, they tell us to reach out and let other people help us, but when it doesn't work then you get blamed for not trying hard enough or "refusing to change" or some other bullshittery. I feel like a prime example of the type of person those suicide prevention people won't mention in their mission statements.

So sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing as well.

Exactly! We have all tried! We can’t change, there is no miracle cure, u can’t snap out of it, that is the point

 

[Hoarsewithnoname]

I think for some people CTB is just never going to be an option for them and unfortunately, they will therefore never be able to understand why it is an option for others. People really believe that life is beautiful, life is a gift, blah blah blah, but it really isn't that way for everyone. It's like by acknowledging that maybe someone else's life isn't this beautiful jewel that we've been taught to believe, that maybe their own isn't either....

I also have a 13yrs old son and my partner always says if not for me, or for him, I need to be here for my son. What nobody seems to understand is that I feel extremely guilty for not being able to be a mother to him.

Oh my goodness, this hit me so hard. I'm in such a similar boat.

 

[Pookie]

You have a chronic physical illness, I thought Pegasos could help people like you. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

 

[12345]

I k

So I was interested in trying to get euthanasia from Pegasos in Switzerland or one of the more "relaxed" assisted dying organisations, since I believe importing SN is gonna be unlikely now. Then I find out they won't approve anyone who has a "mental illness" and it's likely I'd be denied due to my age anyways.

I am suffering so badly and I told my boyfriend that I was crushed about being unable to have a choice in when my life ends and these restrictions imposed by death with dignity organisations, which I should not have said anything but I struggle to hide my emotions and my true thoughts..

Of course he got very upset at me, saying these rules made perfect sense and that I am being lead astray by people who are not normal online if I am seriously considering assisted ctb or ctb at all, because "Normal, healthy people would never consider such things. It's wrong, and you've let unhealthy, strange people tell you otherwise. "

I am quite open with my partner when I really shouldn't be, but I find it nearly impossible to hide my agony and pain when I am so physically ill and in a constant state of malaise and torment due to chronic fatigue. I got told that I don't care about how he feels, that I chose to wallow in misery and be unhappy, and that I don't want a relationship, just a punching bag.

Whenever I speak about how I truly feel, I am quite somber and reserved unless I am trying to play my suffering off as a macabre joke to make others laugh. I don't treat him like a punching bag, I just want to be heard and understood rather than being told platitudes, that it gets better, and that I choose to be unhappy.

My bf said he doesn't want to talk about stressful topics and simply wants to have fun, chat about games, and not think about it. How am I supposed to talk about games when I am living in hell? I beat myself up everyday because I can't make anyone happy it seems. I want so badly to pretend things are peachy and fine, but I genuinely have no interest in anything.

Nothing excites me in a positive way, and I have taken nearly every antidepressant that exists on the market, I know I don't have some kind of depression- or what these people seen to think depression is- because anyone would be miserable in my circumstances and no drugs or therapists could circumvent how horrible it feels to lose your mind and body to chronic fatigue.

Even if I magically wasn't ill and could zap away my ptsd and autism too, I wouldn't want to live anymore because I have seen first hand how the world treats the disabled, the undesirable, and the meek. The idea of working 40 hrs a week for practically nothing and taking on a persona that's about as authentic as a pre-programmed chatbot does not sound desirable in the slightest. I'd rather drink cyanide than be forced to wear a pencil skirt and makeup everyday so I can be a visually appealing drone for my fellow worker bots, following the same groundhog day routine as my retinas turn to dust from decades of squinting at excel spreadsheets.

My views on life- and death, for that matter- simply aren't compatible with this world. Oh, how it pains me that I can't please my partner any longer, that I can't pretend that I enjoy games or music or TV or whatever, or conjure up lighthearted conversations and fun. I am basically useless. I know I am a burden and I am hurting others because my very existence depresses other people. Because of my visa and my disabilities I pretty much rely on my boyfriend and he knows this. So I have even more obligation to try to make him happy because he does so much for me.

I am hurting others by being alive but I know he will be devastated when I ctb. I know there's no other options. I've tried everything and as soon as I have a method it will be my time to go. Honestly knowing I am a burden on others and I am making them sad only makes me even more hellbent on ctb. Can anyone relate

I’m in a very similar sitch :(

 

[Nymph]

I’m sorry you’re going through this, your partner sounds, ....bad:(

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

You have a chronic physical illness, I thought Pegasos could help people like you. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

Sadly it seems like everywhere assumes PTSD and sanity are mutually exclusive. Can't die because I have a "mental illness" yet can't live because there is no way to cure it. What do these gatekeepers of death expect you to do? I'm not even allowed a single pill to stop the intense panic attacks that happen when I am triggered, just get told to deal with it or given propranolol which did not help. My bf and everybody else tries to force me into exposure which made the PTSD worse. I am not crazy or out of my right mind for having trauma, but I suppose they will see it that way because "no rational person wants to die" unless they are old or terminally ill I guess, no matter how much I am suffering physically and mentally.

 

[WornOutLife]

I have the same dilemma but I've realized I gotta be selfish and "mean" in order to CTB. There's no other choice if I really wanna "log out" from this world; my father will be super depressed, my nephew will miss me and won't comprehend why I did it, my brother will hate me, my mother might care but have a stroke or heart attack, etc.

I wish dying didn't have so many consequences.

 

[Spiral]

My bf said he doesn't want to talk about stressful topics and simply wants to have fun, chat about games, and not think about it.

^^^ To me this just translates to ''Your pain is making me uncomfortable, I want to ignore it so don't talk about it to me. I only want to think happy thoughts because that is easy for me, it is your job to make my life easy and comfortable and I don't care what it costs you'
Is it rational to behave that way towards somebody you claim to love?

As for being on this forum:
* It's not like we saw an advert on TV for this forum and out of the blue thought 'Oh! Suicide, that looks fun! I'm going to try it'

* Everyone was obviously already at the end of their tether before they went online searching for how to ctb.

* Most of us probably tried speaking to family and friends first but were met with a total lack of compassion and sometimes even anger and disgust from people who apparently care about us. Which leads to us feeling gagged and rejected and intensifies wishes to ctb.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I send hugs.

 

[abruptum]

I am so sorry this is all too real of a discussion that we have with ourselves :(<3

 

[loopylou]

Im confused. You said you have mental illness but then he used the words ‘ normal and healthy’

I mean, what’s normal or healthy about mental illness ?